Parental Controls for the Internet

[Pinkmaltese1]

I know a girl whose father is a programmer. He bought her a new computer this fall so she could do homework and surf the net. Shes so excited but little does she know that hes going to make the administrator account his account..and install software on it that allows him to see where she is going on the internet and what she is doing. Google is blocked. Facebook is blocked. Yahoo is blocked. All downloads are blocked. She needs his password to do virtually everyting I mean, how can she do reports on her computer..or enjoy it at all? I really feel bad for her..so I've decided to see if I could help her. Although with her father being a programmer I doubt I'll have much luck..

So please tell me whats your opinion about parental controls? What do you think about my friend's story?

[BusterBrown]

I think that's slightly unfortunate. However, no offense meant to your friend, but in defense of her father, there's probably a very good reason he feels the need to monitor her so closely. Either that or he's a control freak, but it's more likely that he has a good reason. As for parental controls in general, I do think they are a good thing... to an extent. (For example, blocking sites known to have bad undesirable or bad content, or downloads from unknown or questionable sources.) Having said that, though, I think your friend's dad is going a little too far. (I mean, geez, blocking Google?? That's just weird.) In my experience, if you absolutely refuse to trust someone for no particular reason (or refuse because you're paranoid), then people will give you a real reason not to trust them. I think that, in the long run, parental controls that stringent are doing more harm than good. Especially if she knows about them. So yes, they are good in some cases, but really, there's a limit to their benefits.

[babicatz05]

It sounds like he's a major control freak. He probably has her safety in mind, but that is going too far in my opinion. I can understand blocking chatrooms, but blocking search engines? She's very limited when it comes to research. Sounds like she may have to go to the library now...

[crocobaura]

Lol, he might as well take away the internet connectin cable. How's she supposed to search anything on the net without google or yahoo? Some parents are crazy like that.

[Pinkmaltese1]

Buster: You know I understand what your saying about the benefits of parental controls but I just don't see it at her age only because shes going to be exposed to "bad things" everywhere. I really think that if your going to bother with them at all you should loosen them every year they grow older with finally no control once they reach 13.

Babi: I know, hes definately going too far. I mean the schools controls are wayyy more lax then they are in her own house!

Croco: I know..I think it ultimately may come to that they like feeling that they are in total contro...its mind boggling how my friend can stand it really haha..

[BusterBrown]

Yes, like I was saying, in the long run, it's not doing any good. If what her dad is worried about is her being exposed to "bad things", then yes, I can understand, but she is going to find out about these things eventually, so there's really no need to be quite so stifling. If he wants to monitor her at first, yes, that's perfectly reasonable, but I agree that they should be lifted, little by little, until they are completely or mostly gone.

[poverty_SC]

I don't know. I guess I'm the only one who thinks this is a good idea. I wouldn't want my kid learning about "bad things" on the internet. I would be a lot less corrupt if the internet didn't exist in my life, I have to say. Blocking google is kind of silly though.

[Doddibot]

How old is the girl? I mean, if she's like 10 I could understand most of that (except blocking Google - I mean that site is the internet).

But if she's in her teens, I think just a monitoring program would be appropriate. And maybe blocking just the really, really bad sites.

[thothep]

I'm reading this as she will have this computer in her own room, is that correct? I don't see why any child needs to have an internet connected computer in their room. My sister and I didn't have our own internet connection until we attained our majority, to go online we had to ask permission to use the family computer in the library/office (I first got a computer that was mine for my 16th b-day). And that is actually the recommended way of controlling a child's internet access, make them use it where you can watch. So I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for the girl, I just think her father hasn't quite gotten it right, he should have blocked more. But quite frankly, it's nice to see a parent working on being a parent, not, as so many currently, their child's friend. While an individual is a minor the parent DOES control their life, it's simple fact, a lot of parents aren't choosing to exercise this prerogative these days because they think they should be their child's buddy. And it's leading to a lot of spoiled individuals.

And as for enjoying a computer... why do you equate open internet access to enjoying the computer? Excuse me, but does that mean that those of us who started on computers before internet access became common didn't enjoy our computers?

And you don't need the internet to write a report, maybe to research it, but that can be done on another machine, research printed or copied to a thumb drive/etc and then the writing done on hers.

I think it would be interesting to compare how people respond here based on whether they are a parent or not, because they're coming from such different viewpoints. I am not a parent and have no intention of ever becoming one, I am, however, a long term undergrad finally completing a degree in psychology.

Has your friend's dad said anything to her about why he is setting things up this way?

"Authoritative parents are both nurturing and controlling. These parents express care for their young children while at the same time guiding their behavior through gentle discipline and rule setting. As their children grow, they guide through setting examples, reasoning, and continued setting of limits.... The authoritative parent, by contrast, is more likely to raise children who are relatively friendly with peers and cooperative with adults...." (Personality: A Systems Approach, John D. Mayer, 2007, p 408)

Want the other three parenting styles? The ones with a lower likelihood of turning out a well rounded personality?

[SilentPsycho]

As someone who hopeflly in a years time will be a fully-qualified Information Professional, I'm actually seriously shocked that you're friend's father has blocked search engines. For starters, they are only bad if the user searches for an inaproppriate search term, such as porn. Secondly, at least here in the UK, a lot of schools do tend to emphasis searching Google and the Internet in order to find out information and to get the child used to the technology. Google and other similar search engines are the basic and easiest to use, and other ways have to be taught and are usually subject specific. Trust me, I've been learning them for the last year.

Yes, he may be trying to be a good father, but he IS going too far with this. Pre-panned reseacrh does not take into account that while writing the work up she might suddenly realise a correlation that might give her top marks, but she will have no where to instantly find that new information she needs. He may be trying to be a good father, but ultimately he is lowering her ability to live up to her full potential in her education, and that is unforgivable.

[Doddibot]

Is there a way to enforce the use of Google's safesearch? That would be a better alternative I think.

[Neema]

I grew up with the computer in my room without any real monitorization and I did pretty well. Im not some spoiled brat. Im not some perv. Im not some kid who got molested. Y'know why? because my parents did teach me about things about the internet.

The girls father has no trust with her daughter at all. He would probably prefer if he could have it so that only sites he selected the girl could see. Very controlling of her life without letting her explore even the tiniest bit. That or he knows only little based off the news and therefore wishes to protect his child so much, only to end up harming her.

The father also needs to teach her about the internets, how she is potential prey of sexual assaulters and stupid scams. How she shouldn't fall into their traps. Then he should let her have the privelage of her current restrictions of the internet being raised away.

then again, this is probably slightly biased because I love my computer/internet

[thothep]

SilentPsycho, there is no reason to need absolute instant research, people did perfectly well before that was available. And we don't have enough information about the computer internet situation for the rest of the house. If all she has to do is, say, go downstairs to a family computer and look stuff up there's no significant hold up. And if you consider that there are still educators who will NOT accept research from an internet source, even if it is an internet copy of a publication, the practice at having to move to get a source is good for her.

I don't know about this safesearch Doddibot mentions, but I know I've run into porn many times when searching Google or Yahoo for what seemed to me a perfectly safe subject.

From the little information we have on the overall situation I think what needs to happen is the daughter first has to accept that these restrictions are how she is going to recieve her computer. Then she has to talk to her father about the possibility of them being lifted over time. Then she has to prove that she can use the computer responsibly, which is, in a way, made easier by the fact he's setting up to track her use. As for teaching her about being safe online, most people don't learn to swim in the middle of the ocean while someone is calling out safety instructions.


Please, do we have any parents here with an opinion on this?

[poverty_SC]

I'm not a parent, but for some reason I agree. It's the internet. It's not really a necessity in my opinion, even for schoolwork, and there are a lot of cons involved. I wouldn't want my kid learning stuff "that she'll learn eventually anyway" from the internet. No please!! I always seem to run into porn when searching on google for innocent things. It's really funny, actually. Maybe porn just really likes me? I don't know.

But yeah, how old is she? I don't think this means he doesn't have trust in HER so much as he doesn't have trust in the internet, which is ~*perfectly*~ understandable.

[Ghanima Atreides]

I think he's taking it too far. IE and probably other browsers have options to block off nudity and adult material, and if he's a programmer he could probably make sure he blocked more. As far as I see it, that's about the only thing a kid doesn't particularly need to browse in his room, although this does depend on her age. Chatrooms can be dangerous, yes, but to a certain extent. Teach your kid to be smart, block perverts, stay anonymous and don't meet people off the internet instead of pretending they don't exist. Because frankly, she's just going to find out about all the "bad things" he wants to block from somewhere else. I knew porn existed by the time I was 7, and I didn't have internet, or even a computer. Kids in my class used to sneak playboys and adult playcards and bring them to school. Everyone knew about perverts. Naturally, everyone wanted to see and hear about it, because we knew adults didn't want us to. I think it's better to teach your kid sensibly about the nastier aspects of life, explaining the dangers and how to keep away from them than letting them grow into teens oblivious to everything, because if they don't know how to stay out of trouble, it doesn't mean trouble won't find *them*. Kids shouldn't learn about "the touchy stuff" from the interned indeed - they should learn about it from their parents.

[thothep]

I say we don't have enough information to say whether he's taking it too far or not:
What does her history for behavior look like unfiltered through the eyes of a friend? Or even better, filtered through the eyes of a parent? Does he intend for these settings to be 'permanent' or to be gradually lifted as she proves herself, ages, etc? What kind of overall environment are they living in: city, country, suburbs, small town? How old is this girl? How much experience does she already have with using the internet? How un/reasonable is the father likely to be if she actually asks politely for access for specific things?

Without clear evidence that she already has the understanding and knowledge to avoid dangers, and the maturity to not abuse privileges, nothing can convince me that he is placing the baseline too far.


Come on parents, we need your perspective.

[Chelleypie]

As a parent, I'd rather sit my child down and inform them of the dangers and let them know what's out there than just block it. I'm like Neema - I had a computer in my bedroom with internet access around age 12, with no parental controls. I was aware of the dangers. I did fine.

Again, as a parent myself, in a few years when she's ready for the computer, I'm not blocking a damn thing. She'll be monitored, and I'll sit her down and let her know in age appropriate terms what's out there that might hurt her. I think blocking Google, given that it's DEFAULT behavior is to filter explicit results, is a bit extreme. I don't think the monitoring software is extreme. My parents had a filter on AOL when I had to use the family PC, and I couldn't even search for stuff for my Beanie Babies without the filter telling me no. Dad had to set it for me, and after that I was okay.

I think that the blocking of things like Google and Yahoo! are extreme, given that this computer is also supposed to be used for coursework. Research is made much easier with the aid of a search engine. Truly, with this much restriction, how much use is this computer going to be? I can see blocking downloads (you cut down on viruses that way) and monitoring. But blocking Google seems very extreme to me. Perhaps I had very lax parents, but I seemed to do OK with that.

[Pinkmaltese1]

I'm reading this as she will have this computer in her own room, is that correct? I don't see why any child needs to have an internet connected computer in their room. My sister and I didn't have our own internet connection until we attained our majority, to go online we had to ask permission to use the family computer in the library/office (I first got a computer that was mine for my 16th b-day). And that is actually the recommended way of controlling a child's internet access, make them use it where you can watch. So I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for the girl, I just think her father hasn't quite gotten it right, he should have blocked more. But quite frankly, it's nice to see a parent working on being a parent, not, as so many currently, their child's friend. While an individual is a minor the parent DOES control their life, it's simple fact, a lot of parents aren't choosing to exercise this prerogative these days because they think they should be their child's buddy. And it's leading to a lot of spoiled individuals.

And as for enjoying a computer... why do you equate open internet access to enjoying the computer? Excuse me, but does that mean that those of us who started on computers before internet access became common didn't enjoy our computers?

And you don't need the internet to write a report, maybe to research it, but that can be done on another machine, research printed or copied to a thumb drive/etc and then the writing done on hers.

I think it would be interesting to compare how people respond here based on whether they are a parent or not, because they're coming from such different viewpoints. I am not a parent and have no intention of ever becoming one, I am, however, a long term undergrad finally completing a degree in psychology.

Has your friend's dad said anything to her about why he is setting things up this way?

"Authoritative parents are both nurturing and controlling. These parents express care for their young children while at the same time guiding their behavior through gentle discipline and rule setting. As their children grow, they guide through setting examples, reasoning, and continued setting of limits.... The authoritative parent, by contrast, is more likely to raise children who are relatively friendly with peers and cooperative with adults...." (Personality: A Systems Approach, John D. Mayer, 2007, p 408)

Want the other three parenting styles? The ones with a lower likelihood of turning out a well rounded personality?

Well my friend is turning 16 in march I just think its kind of odd that they are still monitoring her that way. I agree about the computer room thing, its a better way to control what their doing without making them feel like they are too under control. I just don't see how its appropriate for all these parental controls when the purpose of the computer is to use it for things. She barely uses it because it has little she can do. I am not saying that the computer wasn't fun when the internet was around but It can be a source of fun. I mean all she has is the internet anyway--if she tried to insert a game into her cd drive to play she wouldn't be allowed to do so, the computer would block her from playing it unless she had her dad's password.

I do agree with you that if the parents are not as controlling they may turn out spoiled. But I think in my friends case shes being so limited that nobody could even fathom her being spoiled. Shes the only kid at school that I know with such tough parental controls.

[Lillubibi]

By blocking everything her dad is only encouraging her to cross the really important lines. My sister is 9, she has been going on the internet alone for 2 or 3 years now, without parental control. She does fine. She knows what to do, not to tell her name, her age...
And I think that thanks to that she is responsible.
That dad is really taking it way too far. there are soo many websites you can go to access other foridden websites. I can understand blocking facebook if he wants this computer to be only for work.
But, if you don't trust your kid, why give him something he has to be responsible to use ??

[SilentPsycho]

As for teaching her about being safe online, most people don't learn to swim in the middle of the ocean while someone is calling out safety instructions.

If preople are properly sat down and taught instructions on how to swim and what their limits are, they're likely to know where their boundaries are and wouldn't be in the middle of the ocean in the first place.

And 16! He is ruining her future by doing that, and she's more likely to feel the need to break out and do something drastic.

Like other people on here, I was 12 when my family got an Internet connection. After a while, my parents asked if I had been on any chat rooms. I replied truthfully and said I had been on once or twice. They then sat me down and told me about the dangers, and I've never forgotten it. Even now, there's only one chat I enter, the one on this site, and I was a member for 6 months before entering one month before my 18th birthday. That's the first chat room I've been on since my parents told me about their worries.

[poverty_SC]

Well, it's going to be a different story for every person. Blocking google is a little extreme, but I don't think these precautions are too stiffing, and I don't think they'll ruin her future either. The internet is an OK thing to have precautions about.. I don't see why a parent wouldn't be at all concerned about it. At least he cares, right? And at least she has her own computer in the first place. I would be happy if I were her.

[Pandaness]

Wow, I'm glad my parents didn't do that do me when I got a laptop.

What good is giving your child the freedom of their own computer with extreme restrictions and supervision?

[Cassadaga]

My friend is in exactly the same position. Her dad is a programmer and he doesn't let her go on without a pass, and he tracks everything she does. Her parents don't let her do much of anything, and you could easily say she's the most rebellious of my group of friends. Being so overprotective of kids makes them sneak around and end up getting into even more trouble I think.

[davious]

Unless the kid paid for the computer and the internet service, the parent has every right to monitor what the kid does on the computer. Parent's house, Parent's rules. The only reason the kid would have to complain is if they planned on going to sites they would prefer to keep hidden from their parents, which is exactly what the parents are trying to prevent to begin with. Its no different than a parent turning on the V-Chip in the TV. While I am against government sponsored censorship, I have no qualms at all about parents censoring or monitoring what their children are doing. Seems to me like the dad is being responsible, not irresponsible.

[babicatz05]

The dad isn't giving his child the opportunity to make the right choices. Which I think he should. It's like he's punishing her for something she hasn't done yet; something she may not have done in the first place. I think all he has to do is tell her that he monitors her online activity and warn her about the site blocking.

[thothep]

Okay, thinking through everything that everybody has said, I can only find one potential mistake the father has made, it has been implied the girl is lacking information about the restrictions, either what they are or why they are there. He should tell her what he is blocking and why, and allow her to state her case for why any part of it shouldn't be blocked. I still hold that it is a perfectly reasonable level of restriction to start at. I have never held that the given level of restrictions makes sense for anything resembling the long term, but as long as her father is prepared to adjust as things proceed there is nothing wrong and he is just doing his job of parent.


If preople are properly sat down and taught instructions on how to swim and what their limits are, they're likely to know where their boundaries are and wouldn't be in the middle of the ocean in the first place.
But just like you explain before they jump in the middle of the ocean, you make sure you have time to explain before handing over an open internet connection.

[georgiababe]

I think that this guy is going just a bit too far. I get that parents want to protect their children from harm - and he absolutely should block sites/downloads that have adult or disturbing content. But Google and Yahoo? I would be lost without Google. When I have to do a research paper, for example, I always go to Google, to point me in the direction of helpful websites, online journals, collections of related books etc. Sure, she won't have research papers yet, but Google is useful for a myriad of different kinds of projects and stuff - finding links and pictures are the key ones.

Blocking Facebook I get, since she is young and you have your real name, your picture and other personal information on there. But honestly, Facebook is how I talk to all of my friends. After high school, everybody went everywhere and it's really hard to talk in person now. And Google and Yahoo...? Really?

As for him being able to see everywhere she goes, I feel like that's kind of a violation of privacy. I get that he wants to keep her safe and to make sure that she's not veering into dangerous territory (eg chatrooms) but it still kind of rubs me the wrong way.

The better thing would be to sit down and have a chat with her about the dangers of the internet: how there are sites out there that contain inappropriate adult content that she needs to avoid, that she should NEVER give personal information out to strangers and that she just needs to watch out and stay safe.

She's not going to avoid seeing these "bad" things forever. It's much better to talk to her than just block everything.

[poverty_SC]

Yeah, he should tell her that he's monitoring her because that is a little weird. I was raised with several constraints that didn’t even involve a computer, so I know what it’s like. But if I ever become a parent, I will probably be a “mean” one when it comes to things like this. There will be a V-chip in my TV and there will not be any internet access in their bedrooms. I don’t see any logical reason for why they would need full access to the internet, aside from schoolwork. A lot of people manage without the internet. And even then, they could just go to a library or something. I think that’s better.

I like that he cares about what his daughter is doing. He should get credit for that - maybe he'll grow to trust her and her decisions more. If he doesn't, then that's wrong of him. I think it’s good to promote finding something better to do than just browsing the internet aimlessly.

As far as privacy is concerned, it's not like we're talking about keeping a journal, or being able to talk to friends in private or anything. Why does she need privacy on the internet if she's not doing anything bad?

[Ghanima Atreides]

She's 16 year old? Wow...I could sort of have understood this kind of control for a 9 year old child...but 16? :/ She is not a kid anymore. Here, she would be an adult in 2 years.

[bunnylita]

This guy is going way over the top. Blocking Google is beyond ridiculous. And she's sixteen years old at that. Just because he's controlling her at home Internet use, he can't control what she looks at at her friend's house or even at school. Kids will find a way to do what they want, and he can't monitor her Internet use everywhere she goes. I think if he simply told her he was monitoring her Internet usage, that would be enough. And unblock Google for goodness sake.

[Doddibot]

Given her age, I certainly think just monitoring everything would be enough. That way, the father can check to see if everything she is doing is ok, and if it isn't he can have a talk to her. Blocking things is too far imo.

[GummiBears]

On one hand it is very fair because she still lives at home and needs to abide by her parent's rules even if she is going to be 16. I doubt her life will be ruined over this, there are millions of kids who don't even have computers and they are doing just fine :).

On the other hand, it is extreme. I had my own computer in my room since I was 12 and I'm doing fine now. My parents did not know a thing about computers and I got by with just common sense. I made some mistakes but I was never naive enough to give out personal information or to do anything horrible. I think a better approach is to teach her how to be responsible and safe on the internet and then if she continues to do bad things or whatever, then act like he is now.
I would think that at her age, he would want to give her more chances to prove she can be trusted, but then again, he is the parent so it is up to him in the end.

[davious]

How can it be both fair and extreme at the same time? Aren't those terms contradictory?

But, you touched on a point I wanted to make...

there are millions of kids who don't even have computers and they are doing just fine :)

Indeed. I think some of the people who object to the father's control over the internet treat internet accessibility as a Constitutional Right or something...Its not. Its a privilege. How is it any different than a father telling their teenager with a driver's license that if they want to take the car (Which mom and dad own, pay for insurance on, and pay for gasoline) they have to earn it, or they have to be back by 10pm, or they have to know exactly where they are going, etc? Parents are not obligated to ensure their child has a computer at all, so why do we raise eyebrows when the father provides a computer, and internet access, with restrictions on what can be viewed? Sorry, but this is perfectly reasonable to me. The teen isn't entitled to have internet access at home at all, let alone in her own room. Kudos to the dad for actually giving a damn about his child's well being.

[GummiBears]

Well I guess it is contradictory, but I see it as fair in the parent's eyes and unfair/extreme in the child's eyes and I think they are both right and wrong. I mean I definitely believe it is up to the parent to decide what kind of internet access their teen/child has but I know if my dad was like that I would think it was unfair, you know?
My sister is thirteen and she is at that time in her life where she thinks the world revolves around her and only her. If my parents try to set boundaries she freaks out and I think she needs some boundaries but she needs room to grow and make her own choices as well. I am not her parent though so whatever my parents do is fair because she is their child, but in this case I think the dad is going a bit over but still it's not our place to judge. If he wants to ban her from watching Sesame Street, that is his choice and she will have to deal with it until she moves out or goes away to college.

[davious]

but if a teenager thinks something is extreme, does that mean it actually might be? LOL Its not like teens don't umm...overreact to things.

[GummiBears]

No, I know that most of the time they over exaggerate (believe me, my sister is the drama queen) but still, we should look at both sides and views.

[dinad2610]

Indeed. I think some of the people who object to the father's control over the internet treat internet accessibility as a Constitutional Right or something...Its not. Its a privilege. How is it any different than a father telling their teenager with a driver's license that if they want to take the car (Which mom and dad own, pay for insurance on, and pay for gasoline) they have to earn it, or they have to be back by 10pm, or they have to know exactly where they are going, etc? Parents are not obligated to ensure their child has a computer at all, so why do we raise eyebrows when the father provides a computer, and internet access, with restrictions on what can be viewed? Sorry, but this is perfectly reasonable to me. The teen isn't entitled to have internet access at home at all, let alone in her own room. Kudos to the dad for actually giving a damn about his child's well being.

As a parent of a 17 year old boy, I just want to say, WELL SAID!!! I couldn't agree with you more! It is definitely a priviledge, not a right!

I had to drag my sorry butt to the library to research a paper...and that can still be done...that excuse doesn't give them the right to have full access to the internet!

My son starting using the PC when he was around 10 or 11...and only then did he have access to the family PC out where he could be monitored. He got his own PC in his bedroom when he was around 14 and while I didn't put parental controls on the PC, he had to have his bedroom door open when he was on it and I did do searches of his PC periodically. He doesn't have to have that door open anymore, but he did have to earn that trust first. He earned that by making good choices...and showing some maturity. :)

[Rabid]

Seems a bit oppressive to me. I see that it's not my problem and that the father is fully within his rights to limit his daughter's Internet accessibility, but just because it's legal doesn't make it right. I can understand restricting her from porn websites and whatnot, but doesn't restricting her from search engines necessary for Internet research on a computer intended for school use defeat the purpose entirely? Seems like a bit of a paradox.

[dinad2610]

Yes, it does seem to be a bit of a paradox where that girl is concerned. I do agree. But we don't know the whole story behind why he did what he did. At 16 years old, he should have a bit more trust in his daughter, but she could have had problems where trust is an issue.

As a parent, I am a firm believer in allowing your children to grow and to make good choices, some of those are made with your guidance and some not, you hope and pray that you have instilled some good values, morals and ethics in your children. I trust my son, but I also had to learn to trust him where the internet is concerned. Not because I thought he was untrustworthy but because there are dangers that are out there, I know it sounds hokey, but it is so easy for some of these predators, and it is easy to fall into the traps, even adults do it.

And so while he may be more strict than some, it is only with her well being in mind that he is so strict, of that I am sure.