View Full Version : Matt/Josh - Sweet Sixteen Closed Offshoot RP
25th Feb 2009, 6:32 PM
Hey all :beer:
This is a a spin-off from the popular Sweet Sixteen RP centred on the relationship between resident teen playboy Matt Sidle and the football captain Josh Brennan, because they're just so imperfectly perfect together :D
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we're enjoying writing it.
If any of your characters are feature in the RP posts, we will ask permission in order to GM them accordingly :)
RP Monday I evening starts here (http://modthesims.info/showthread.php?p=2547492#post2547492).
RP Wednesday I chat transcript is here (http://modthesims.info/showthread.php?p=2870204#post2870204).
RP Thursday I evening starts here (http://modthesims.info/showthread.php?p=2944011#post2944011).
And now, onto the posting! :D
25th Feb 2009, 6:38 PM
Well, if there was anything to be said about the first day of term that Josh Brennan had just endured it was that the whole time was just… exhausting. Mentally and emotionally, anyway. However, to be honest, he did blame himself for not being more accustomed to it given that he experienced it pretty much all the time. He supposed the two weeks off had slackened his coping powers somewhat. First had been Katie, then Marie-Elisabeth and the Matt… and then Josh had simply tuned out, at having felt considerable better about seemingly undoing some of the damage that he’d caused to his and Matt’s relationship. And then Matt reasserted exactly how much power he had over Josh’s attentions by prompting shifting the focus right back onto himself with the sort of antics that Josh had to pour conscious efforts into not to watch, whilst in the locker room, and then Abby and then Matt yet again.
Though, really, Matt was usually in the back of Josh’s mind all the time anyway, even without – or possibly because of the lack of – public acknowledgement.
Deep down, as much as Josh wanted to just be honest with everyone, he wanted to keep Matt more.
And so, that was exactly why he’d felt so compelled to arrange all of this. They didn’t even have to do anything – though, really, Josh would rather have it so that Matt did physically demonstrate at least a little bit of appreciation for Josh’s efforts and apology – but he just needed Matt there, to just make sure that everything that had gone wrong during the day didn’t Matter at the crux of it all; that Matt was still… there.
It was all that dominated his mind as he stepped out of his car and into the unwelcoming coldness of the cinema car park, a sudden shiver rippling through his muscles as his body adjusted to the rapid changes in temperature, soon driving the young man to wrap his jacket around his form in protection before he locked his car and made his way towards the rather unpopular cinema that he’d figured was the opportune place for their next clandestine meeting, he even wore a hooded top in case he needed it, but he probably wouldn’t; no-one they knew would go here, it was pretty uncool.
There were perks for being so ridiculously organised as Josh was – perks that usually his girlfriends and team-mates were usually well aware of – and currently, there were helping him to no end. He’d made the bookings already when he’d thought of the plan, when he’d drawn up that map in the locker room whilst watching Matt act as shameless as he usually did and all that was left to do now was to just give in the confirmation number and pay for the tickets, leaving one of the two for Matt to obtain, using the password he’d also given him with the map.
And he’d even managed to pick a movie that not a lot of people they knew – actually, not a lot of people right now, right here – would watch anyway; Logan’s Run.
The damask carpeting didn’t do much to diffuse the creaking floorboards under his shoes as Josh walked up to the ticket booth, having had no waiting time for the lack of a queue in the archaic building with it’s peeling magnolia walls and the posters crying of movies that the general populace wasn’t interested in anyway. He did feel a bit guilty over being as much a flake as everyone else given that he was here for one thing and that really wasn’t Gene Wilder or whoever else was getting to grace the silver screen again.
So, he didn’t say much, only sliding the post-it with the confirmation numbers and money he had to pay for the tickets, and a little extra so that they could keep the change to ease his guilt over using the cinema as just a make-out spot, soon having the tickets slid over to him along with change that he didn’t acknowledge.
“Look, I’ve got a friend coming over… to research for a school project,” he explained, finally speaking for the first time and sounding rather hesitant regarding his story. “He’ll give you these numbers,” he carried on, giving yet another post-it with the numbers he’d given Matt, along with the second ticket, before straightening up his posture to be more assertive, despite the fact that he was lying through his teeth. “Could you give him that ticket?”
The woman behind the booth didn’t really care and so, Josh simply gave a slight nod and moved away swiftly, going over to get himself a drink before handing over his ticket to the man at the podium – the big, burly guy who was as disinterested as the middle aged woman at the booth in not only Josh, but seemingly the whole world – and then making his entry into the screening room, taking his seat and keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the doorway, save for a few glances towards the screen, growing more and more impatient with the passing second to see the familiar, lean figure of the brown haired boy he was so desperate to see.
Anytime now, Matt.
25th Feb 2009, 6:46 PM
Matt was debating with himself. He had been for the past couple of hours, ever since he'd closed the door to his room behind him and, with his back resting heavily against it, taken out the small folded piece of paper that Josh had slipped him earlier, to study it's contents; a map to a place he'd never been, and a bunch of numbers. At first, he'd been simply staring at it, wondering for the first couple of seconds just what the heck it was supposed to mean, but once he'd headed over to his computer to check what was located at the X-marked spot on the map, he'd figured it out. The location was a run down movie theater, and the numbers... Well, they could only be confirmation numbers, right? Because what other uses could a series of numbers possibly have at a movie theater?
Okay, so, Josh obviously wanted to meet, and he had obviously gone through a bit of planning and a h*ll of alot of trouble to set it all up. Especially when slipping Matt the note in the first place; orchestrating things so that the right kind of conversation would arise between himself and the other jocks, and pave way for the right kind of challenge to be made to Matt, and then ensuring that he positioned himself so that he got the chance to successfully tackle Matt, and slip him the note. While risking to blow their entire front sky high in the process.
Yeah, Matt still wasn't all too amused by that one, and if it hadn't been for the fact that he was actually quite impressed - and rather flattered too actually - by how skillful Josh had been in both planning and executing it all, he would've been really mad, and the current inner debate would have probably lasted only minutes, or even seconds, rather than hours.
What he was debating, you ask?
Well, he was still rather cross with Josh for having not only interrupted his advances on Abby, but for having done so by throwing a bloody football at his head. No matter that he had apologized, twice, Matt still found it a hard one to stomach. Partly because he hated the thought of being laughed at, and partly because... well, it was so very unlike Josh. Josh, with his almost obsessive consideration, wasn't the type to resort to such methods. At least that's what Matt had thought, and so he had never expected Josh to lash out like that, nor did he understand why he had.
However, anger was still the main reason why Matt was contemplating simply standing Josh up, just to teach him a lesson. It would only serve him right, after all, since even if he didn't want Matt to flirt with Abby, for whatever reason, there were alot better ways of going about it. Ways that did not involve physical injury, nor a wounded pride.
Yet, even though Matt still held a grudge about it all - he was an expert on holding grudges, knowing well how to nurse them indefinitely - there was that other part of him, the part that was the actual cause of the debate, the cause to why he hadn't already made up his mind, and, frankly, the reason why the debate no longer concerned standing Josh up completely, but rather simply being late enough to make him nervous; Matt's own eagerness to see Josh as well. Despite being in deep denial about what was going on between them, Matt usually couldn't wait for the next time they would meet, and so he simply wasn't able to convince himself to stand Josh up. He wanted to see him, and so even though he didn't want to want to see him, he couldn't resist heading out of the house once the hour was drawing near, telling his parents he was going out with this new girl in school. He couldn't resist getting in his car, and he couldn't resist following the directions on the map, ending up parking two blocks away, just in case. There he waited for a while, finally gathering enough will power to make himself intentionally late, so that once he finally entered into the shabby lounge, head slightly lowered and eyes quickly scanning the place for signs of impending doom, the lights had already gone out in the screening room, and the commercials had started playing.
Comforted by the fact that the lounge was completely deserted, save for a few members of the staff, Matt went up to the ticket booth, and initiated the same process that Josh had earlier. Only in Matt's case, he was informed that his ticket had already been paid for, that his friend was supposedly already inside, and that he should probably hurry as the movie was about to start.
Good. That meant the room would be enveloped in darkness, and Matt with it once he entered. Though even so, he did take his time getting there, stalling himself a minute or so longer while making himself look busy, sifting through the various bills and receipts and other various stuff in his wallet as if looking for something, simply to give Josh more reason to get nervous.
Let him wait.
However, as his thoughts touched the subject of Josh waiting for him in there, and that he was only a few minutes away from finally getting to feel the other boy's soft lips against his own again - a sensation that despite Matt stubbornly claiming otherwise, he couldn't seem to get quite enough of - it was as though a dozen butterflies suddenly took off in the pit of his stomach, and his previous inability to resist his body carrying him closer to Josh came crashing right back over him. Fumbling to close his wallet and return it to the pocket of his winter coat (http://www.brownsfashion.com/public/pictures/products/standard/88039_1.jpg), almost as though he was suddenly in a bit of a hurry, he then continued on to the man by the door and handed him his ticket, before pulling the doors open just enough to slip through, with a minimal amount of light cutting into the darkness from outside. Though with the commercials playing, the screening room wasn't entirely dark anyway, since every once in a while the light from the screen illuminated the nearly empty rows, and the few scattered people already seated in there, and so Matt didn't really have to wait for his eyes to adjust much, before he was able to spot Josh in one of the rows in the mid section, near the aisle closest to Matt. Carefully, he started making his way over there, and a few seconds later lowered himself into the seat next to Josh, while unwrapping his dark grey knitted scarf from around his neck, and shooting Josh a bit of a glare, as a way of letting him know that while Matt had indeed decided to show up after all, it didn't mean Josh had earned his full forgiveness for what had happened in the locker room, and on the field.
"That was a f*ckin' stupid stunt you pulled", he grumbled hushedly.
26th Feb 2009, 11:59 PM
Sitting there alone in the screening room, with the darkness all around him and the eerie lack of whispers reflecting the lack of people the room held, pale glimpses of light flickering across every now and again as his eyes constantly drifted towards the entrance, his nerves rendering him unable to sit still for any length of time, Josh Brennan was starting to feel ever so slightly foolish. He was starting to doubt everything that he had orchestrated in order to ensure that their date could actually happen. What if Matt didn’t read the note? What if Matt didn’t understand what the hell Josh had been talking about? What if Matt was too mad to show up?
Despite the fact that it wasn’t exactly the first time he and Matt had met in secret, every time felt like the first date. It was as clichéd as hell, but every time managed to send that flutter of butterflies in Josh’s stomach, managed to set his heart racing a little more, had his eyes watching for perpetually for the familiar figure to emerge into focus.
He never was sure of anything where Matt was concerned. Josh, who was usually well attuned to the feelings, the actions and the thoughts of others, was without bearing when it came to Matt. He intuitively understood Matt, as much as he could hope to, but he just never knew for sure and thus, he always toiled in a sweet sort of turmoil, hoping that the best came of what he couldn’t predict of Matt, and yet, fearing that the worst could come to transpire for that very same uncertainty. Such as that perpetually plaguing question of whether this was all just a passing game to Matt.
Right now, the predominant question on his mind was whether he’d done too much damage in one day to get Matt to actually show up in order to allow Josh to undo some of said damage and just spend some more of that coveted time with him.
Josh Brennan knew exactly how stupidly he’d behaved in the locker room earlier and it certainly did not help the situation.
So, imagine his relief when the aforementioned figure did indeed manifest as an anonymous, and yet, to Josh, utterly discernable silhouette of Matt Sidle walking over towards him, having spotted him, prompting Josh to look more casual as he looked over to the sides, checking one more, compulsively for Matt’s sake, that no-one was at a position to watch them as he sat somewhat slouched in the seat, one elbow resting on the arm rest as the hand played over the mouth that was moulding into a devilishly accomplished grin once his eyes took in the sight of the glare painted on Matt’s handsome features as he took his seat next to Josh.
"That was a f*ckin' stupid stunt you pulled,” came the – frankly justified – greeting from Matt, demonstrating his less than impressed stance and yet, Josh was perceptive enough to look past the complaint and onto the fact that he was actually here, he’d actually seen through his anger enough to consider Josh’s efforts and make to the surprise date.
That alone kept the grin on Josh face – though, the other factors did keep him from giving into the small chuckle that played in the depths of his throat, lest Matt got reason to be angry right now – and the warmth in his eyes as he let his gaze wander over Matt’s form for a moment before shifting slightly to straighten up his seated position, eyes still locked with Matt’s chocolate brown gaze.
Leaning in a little to whisper into Matt’s ear, the warmth radiating from Matt’s skin reaching out to him, making it a little more encouraging to Josh to lift Matt’s spirits by not being confrontational to begin with, and still not being too submissive about it, but rather just lightening the whole situation by throwing the focus of something else, because he’d rather not argue right now.
“But it got you here,” came the low rumbling whisper into Matt’s ear just before Josh’s lips planted a soft kiss just below, in the angle of his jaw, breathing in the scent of Matt's colonge and then pulling back momentarily with promise held in his eyes, even if a little bit of amusement remained anchored somewhere in the depths. “I’ll make it up to you.”
28th Feb 2009, 3:15 PM
A good way of pleasing and appeasing Matt, or at the very least a good start towards doing so, had always been to make an effort. Regardless of him perhaps not having a real understanding of what it meant to make an effort himself, since most things in his life had always come easy to him, the rather spoilt young man could still on some level recognize when it was made by others, and especially when it was made for him; the way some of the other students would try so hard to get his attention and earn his approval, that a few of them had even done his homework and school projects for him on occasion. How some girls would try and strike the most appealing poses they could think of when he was around, giggle or gasp just a little too loud at something their friend had just said (or pretended to have said), just so that he'd look their way, and then shoot him the most suggestive and inviting of smiles once he did. The way that one girl he'd dated had even dyed her golden hair a rich, chocolate brown, simply because he'd happened to mention in passing that he really liked dark hair.
Now granted, that last one, and many other of the things he'd seen people do to earn his approval, friendship or even his forgiveness - the term 'forgiveness' being used loosely here, since sometimes what they wished for wasn't so much his actual forgiveness as much as they wished for him to grow bored of making life unpleasant for them through various games of manipulation - could be described as simply trying too hard. Still, even though it might be off-putting, to say the least, he still couldn't help but to be highly satisfied by watching it happen, because it just went on to reaffirm his own opinion of himself; that he was all that, and then some.
So, annoyed though he may be with Josh, he had still recognized all the effort Josh had gone through to set this whole thing up, and the painstaking care he'd taken with the details; choosing a near deserted place to which no one they knew would ever dream of coming, and a cinema at that, where the two of them would be securely enveloped by darkness for a couple of hours, and even making it so that they arrived seperately. The only thing connecting them, was the fact that Josh had paid for Matt's ticket as well and left it with the woman in the ticket booth, saying it was for a friend. Though there really was no smooth way around that one, unless Josh had been planning this for days, in which case he could've gone and gotten the tickets a day or so in advance, and then given one of them to Matt when they'd met in the boiler room earlier today.
But he hadn't, and that, Matt did actually understand, had been in favor of the actual gesture itself. Now whoever said romance was dead?
Add to that the fact that relief was apparent in Josh's entire being, even down to the grin that while it was laced with amusement and mischief, did still hold a discernable amount of appreciation, and Matt was rather satisfied with things, because it did indicate that Josh had actually had enough sense to be nervous that Matt wouldn't bother to show up; that he realized Matt had decided to be generous. Not necessarily forgiving, but still generous. It would take more than a gesture for Matt to forgive all the headache, some of it literal, that Josh had caused him in only one single day; wasting what little, precious time they had together by talking about things he knew Matt wasn't particularly thrilled to discuss, throwing a football at him simply for acknowledging the pretty girl that Abby was, rather than being crude and treating her like just another one of the guys, and then, as though it all hadn't been enough already, tackled him into the ground, thus bruising his shoulder. And when Matt had a photoshoot in two days, too. Splendid...
Now, the latter, Josh probably didn't know about, because really, how could he? Matt hadn't mentioned it too him, and they hadn't had this... thing going long enough for him to yet have learned how frequent Matt's modelling gigs tended to be. He may not even be aware they existed. Though regardless, judging by the looks he had shot Matt during the whole football/tackle stunt, he had been well aware that Matt probably wouldn't be all too thrilled about it anyway, so it was still one of the things of the list he had done, knowing Matt wouldn't appreciate it.
And he was well aware of it, tough still far from remorseful. That much Matt could tell as their eyes locked in the dark theatre, the shimmer of amusement restrained in those deep ocean pools of Josh's in which many of the girls in school had found themselves drowning helplessly, when light colors flashing across the screen momentarily illuminated his soft, handsome features. And just as they did, those very features began slowly drawing closer, sending Matt's gaze to instantly drop to those gorgeous lips, in rapidly growing anticipation.
Why was it that Josh, unlike anyone else Matt had ever been with, made him feel as though there was an electrical shock shooting right through him, every time he got close enough to Matt to stir his hopes of feeling those lips pressed against his own? Every damned time.
It was ridiculous. Such a sweet sensation, but so very, very ridiculous.
"But it got you here", came the voice from those lips, as they brushed right past Matt's own, to deliver their message to his ear instead, before pressing gently against the smooth skin on Matt's set jaw, and then parting with it again as Josh withdrew ever so slightly, in order to gaze at him again with those soulful eyes. "I'll make it up to you."
However, even though Matt was just about ready to take command once more and silence Josh's excuses, just like he'd done when they'd met in the boiler room hours ago, Matt wouldn't have been Matt if he didn't have just a little more self control than that. He may have decided to show up, but he wasn't yet ready to let Josh forget that Matt could've easily found other things to do with his time, and that he would've been well within his right to do so as well, considering the utter nuisance Josh had caused him throughout the day. You'd do well to remember not to take Matt Sidle for granted. Though truth be told, Josh didn't seem likely to ever do that. Unlike that haughty girlfriend of his.
"Yeah, you better", Matt still quietly but bitterly retorted anyway, determined to still make his point. "Don't think I didn't consider just staying home."
However, even though he'd been just about to add "or hang out with Sienna", or one of the other girls who had made it no secret they would enjoy Matt's company, he ultimately, for some strange reason, ended up finding himself unable to throw something like that in Josh's face, and so after a moment's hesitation, clearly on the verge of continuing, seemed to suddenly change his mind, and simply ended up just closing his mouth instead.
Matt Sidle wasn't the most considerate person around, but Josh had managed to reach him on a level that not many managed to do, and so even though Matt was no stranger to hurting people, sometimes just for the fun of it, simply being in Josh's company with such cruel words playing at the tip of his tounge, offered him a small foretaste of what he knew would be bitter-flavoured guilt, if he really did end up uttering them.
And so he didn't. He couldn't.
Not this time.
25th Mar 2009, 11:46 PM
When it came to Matt… well, actually, when it came to most people, but Matt particularly, because he was predisposed to it, Josh had learned to tread carefully. It wasn’t because Matt knew how to be vicious when provoked. Josh didn’t really care much about that, partly because he trusted Matt and partly because he could handle himself if things got sour. It wasn’t because Matt was in some ways, far more fragile than he liked to admit, or let on because when push came to shove, Josh knew Matt would toughen up. It was because Josh didn’t want to in any way upset the stolen moment of bliss whenever they did arise. Down in the basement earlier that day, it was… it had to be done and Josh didn’t see any other way than to approach the topic then and there, but… he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he’d shared that dejection that played out on Matt’s face just before he left.
He felt like he’d ruined things and he really, truly, did not want to.
But his own actions aside, Josh had grown skilled at reading Matt’s behaviour, his words, the moments in which that well hidden nature of his, his soul, suddenly surged to the surface before he shut back down, almost as if he was afraid of it. There was what Matt said, and then there was what Matt did. Such as right here and right now. While he showed the displeasure that he harboured over Josh’s actions in the locker rooms and in the sports hall, while he still complained about it, there was the fact that right here and right now, he’d managed to swallow the hurt pride and take the risk to meet Josh without knowing the details of it.
That, to Josh, showed trust, and that Matt, deep down, cared about the efforts that Josh put into it, enough to reciprocate. It meant a lot.
And the same thing, applied to what Matt said.
"Yeah, you better,” was the diminished – he really was paranoid, wasn’t he… seriously, there was no-one here, Josh’d been careful enough… what kind of loser would turn up here anyway… - retort from Matt, still brandishing the same anger that he insisted on demonstrating instead of just admitting hurt. "Don't think I didn't consider just staying home."
At that, a small smile darted across Josh’s features. Yeah, right. Matt Sidle, stay home? And do what? Knit? The dishes? Homework? Now, if there was one thing about Matt that was common knowledge, it was the fact that he was never starved for company, he was never at a loss for girls to hang around with, to fawn over him. It was this ridiculous thorn in Josh’s side, to know that the moment he tried to give Matt any sort of an ultimatum, the appeal of the other side was something that he probably couldn’t compete with, but… that was Matt, and Josh knew it well. It wasn’t much to smile about.
It wasn’t what Josh was smiling about. What did reach out in the statement wasn’t Matt’s insistence that he’d been in two minds about meeting up, but rather the lack of throwing his alternatives is Josh’s face.
He hadn’t brandished the fact that Josh was just one of many for him. So yes, there was what Matt said, and there was what Matt didn’t say.
Josh decided not to make a big issue out of it and embarrass him, instead simply letting a look of pleased gratitude dance momentarily in his eyes as his hand reached back to wrap it’s fingers around the iced edges of the drink he’d bought.
“Good thing you thought about what you’d be missing out,” he whispered slightly, before he tasted Matt’s soft lips, enveloping his upper lip before pulling away slightly, their mouths just brushing for a moment as Josh’s chilled fingers reached around Matt’s body, venturing under his shirt and teasing the skin over the groove of his spine and the small of his back, mischievous grin spreading over his face before he moved in to lock lips with the handsome brown haired boy.
(((OOC: Sorry for the delay, and sorry it’s sort of cheesy, but they’re young, and playful… hope it works!)))
31st Mar 2009, 4:57 PM
It was quite frustrating to Matt, the fact that Josh knew him better than anyone else. The one person that because he had gotten far closer to Matt than anyone else ever had, Matt needed to be able to sometimes decieve better than he did anyone else, in the name of the illusion he was trying to uphold even to himself. Deep down somewhere, underneath his many layers of denial, he knew that Josh was on a mission to stop him from fooling himself, and so in order not to be confronted with what he wasn't ready for, Matt sometimes needed to fool him, just to be able to maintain his carefully crafted facade to himself, and thus to everyone else as well. The problem was, Josh just wouldn't play ball. He just wouldn't buy into the image that Matt would portray, no matter how hard he tried to do so. He wouldn't fall for Matt's many tricks and ways of manipulating his surroundings, as aptly proven by that awful conversation he'd forced them both to have down in the boiler room during lunch. For some reason, be it the initial relief to have someone actually understand him that he'd felt when first they had connected, or just plain stupidity, Matt had let Josh glimpse what was behind that mile-high brick wall of outer perfection, and now Josh just simply refused to forget what he had seen, what he had learned about Matt's true colors. These days, he could tell from the look on Matt's face, and from his tone of voice when he was holding back what in his constant acting to maintain his front was a "natural" reaction, such as saying or doing something mean. Josh actually noticed not only when Matt did something that was "out of character" for him, he also noticed when Matt didn't do something that was in character for him. Such as now.
Matt had done little more than to just stop himself from saying something, he'd just shut his mouth, and still Josh noticed. He didn't say anything - for which Matt was actually grateful, because he wasn't ready to admit the extent of Josh's effect on him - but he noticed.
And it was frustrating.
Matt wanted nothing more than to say what he had been about to say, to spit out the words and wipe that smug smile from Josh's face. But something in him held him back, refused to let him utter those hurtful words. For once. And he didn't know why. Usually, he'd have no problem whatsoever with being cruel. He'd been cruel with Josh plenty of times before, saying things just to stress that this arrangement they had, really meant nothing to him . It was just something he did because... Well, just because.
But, the longer they kept it going, the harder it was getting for Matt to stay in full control of the situation, of Josh, and of himself. Of the things he said, and of the things he didn't say.
Luckily, along with being able to tell when Matt was holding back, Josh also knew when to do so himself - most of the time anyway - and so instead of pointing out that Matt was softening on him and thus deviating onto a quite different path, he decided to stick to the one they were already on, and one that he most likely knew would please Matt alot more.
"Good thing you thought about what you'd be missing out", he whispered, at which Matt would've quirked a skeptical brow, had Josh not moved right on before he had a chance, and claimed his lips in a soft, playful kiss, finally.
Retort not forgotten, but put on hold for a few seconds, Matt willingly surrendered to it, welcoming Josh's advances with a slight nibbling at his lower lip, and even following for a fragment of an inch when Josh slowly and temporarily withdrew. He might've followed in the motion yet a little more, right on the verge of taking command, but instead, a sharp gasp through his teeth, a hiss almost, cut through the air between them, and his back arched with a slight twitch. He'd felt Josh's arm slide around him, but hadn't been at all prepared for it being for any other purpose than simply pulling him closer, and so the sensation of ice cold fingertips against his spine came as bit of a shock to his skin, to say the least.
"Dammit Josh!" he murmured against the other boy's mouth, as once again he'd stifled Matt's possible objections by claiming his lips in a kiss.
Lips that, despite being pressed against Josh's and despite Matt's reluctance to let them, had begun forming a smile. When it came to this arrangement of theirs, Matt was far from the playful type. He could tease, yes, but when he did, it was usually for a sensual purpose and not a humorous one, for the simple fact that what he was doing weighed so heavily on his mind, and would have consequences so disasterous, that he found it impossible to relax enough to be playful and carefree. There was far too much at stake. But there were times, such as now, when Josh managed to wear down his defenses, and resistance became futile, times when Matt just couldn't hold back a smile.
Though it rarely lasted very long - a few minutes was probably the record so far - and soon, it was Matt's turn to withdraw, while once again his intended retort surfaced in his mind, emerging through the gratifying savor of Josh's kiss, and curving his lips into a somewhat caustic smirk.
"I'm not the one with the tendency to cause either of us to miss out, you know", he commented dryly, still in a low voice, but also in a pointed one. "That's you."
He still hadn't forgotten last time they'd had a few stolen moments to themselves; stolen moments that thanks to Josh, they'd spent arguing.
What a relief it was now then, to think that this was at least a place where he really couldn't spoil it all by nagging, lest they'd risk getting thrown out.
19th Apr 2009, 10:41 PM
The pesky thing about truth was that once given and exposed, it couldn’t be taken back, covered up, disregarded, because it was all that was definite, all that was defining and it was always there, staring at you in the eye, without fail. Maybe having that truth exposed wasn’t the best thing right then, because sometimes people deserved better, sometimes people deserved to have something to cling to for hope, but the fact was that the truth wasn’t going to change and all that hope was built on a lie and one day, that would crush the people in question and do far more damage than the simple truth would have ever done.
It was one of the reasons why Josh refrained from lying – well, as much as he could, for since his relationship with Matt began, he’d had very little viable choice in the matter – and it was why he was so very insistent that they tell the truth as soon as they could. For himself, for Matt and for Marie-Elisabeth and for all the people that Matt roped in to fuel his denial.
One of Josh’s main concerns was, of course, Matt. He knew the real person behind the façade that he clung to, he cherished the real person that Matt strived so hard to ignore, the person with flaws and fears rather than the invincible flawlessness that he wrapped himself up in. Josh was worried, in all honesty, about what Matt was doing to himself, pushing himself into being something that he wasn’t, for the sake of an appreciation that Josh knew had to be empty – no-one was going to give Matt an award just for being Matt, and at the end of the day, when high school was over, they would all go on with their lives and Matt would be the one at odds with himself. Furthermore was Josh’s inability to understand exactly how he did it, exactly how he managed to pretend 24/7 – Josh had yet to sleep with Matt, but he could imagine the pretence didn’t exactly stop when Matt was asleep – when it wore Josh down so much to just have to pretend that everything was alright in his love life these past two months.
Either Matt truly was cold and unfeeling, or he was slowly driving himself into ruin, and it didn’t take much for Josh to figure out which one it was, because he’d seen the truth about Matt’s nature, beginning with that first terrifying moment of intimacy at that party that Josh had almost not gone to. Hence his concern. And honestly, none of that perfection appealed to Josh; the genuine Matt, with all his flaws, his insecurities and own merits did. That was whom he took the risk of kissing that night, whom he was here for now, not the persona that the girls lusted after.
That was whom he was currently playing with, because Josh did know exactly how uptight Matt tended to be at the beginnings of these rendezvous and Josh would simply have none of it, and found various ways around it, such as the ice against Matt’s skin. And to his utter delight, it worked, for though Matt made it clear that it wasn’t on his list of favourite things to feel during a kiss, he did give that smile over his sculpted mouth that glided against Josh’ lips, kissing back before he drew away slightly.
"I'm not the one with the tendency to cause either of us to miss out, you know,” came the reply in a dry, sharp tone that almost cut through the mood, coupled with the unimpressed smirk that lingered on the lips that Josh simply wanted to claim in a kiss again. "That's you."
Oh, he just couldn’t let it go, could he? Firstly, the subject was far from done with and Josh had every intention of getting that issue resolved, only with more tact and at a better time. Secondly, now really wasn’t the best time and Josh was in too much of a playful mood.
“Y’know, Matt,” he started rather sternly, though his actions counteracted in his form moving closer to Matt, lips locking again and tasting his lover, before pulling back slightly, blue eyes focused hungrily on Matt’s inviting mouth before he moved to whisper in his ear; “It’s rude to talk during the movie.”
And with that, the argument was suspended even before it began, Josh’s mouth then teasing Matt’s earlobe by pulling at them ever so gently, then lips locking once more, the hand that pushed against the skin on Matt’s back pushing him closer, the other hand venturing over the armrest to softly, yet tantalisingly grasp Matt’s knee, moving around the side to the inside of his thigh, gently massaging and caressing upwards on his thigh without going too far out of Matt’s comfort zone, because despite how badly Josh wanted things to progress, he still possessed enough self-control to put Matt’s ease higher on the priority list, but there was little else that he could concentrate on.
Such as the fact that a certain acerbic brunette had her silvery gold gaze firmly on the two boys. Once the truth was out, it was really, very difficult to cover it up again.
(((OOC: Eeep! So sorry for the delay :D I figured I’d do a separate post for Natalie given that she’d be all “WTF?! Am I on something? Are they on something?!”
Hope this works!)))
26th Apr 2009, 11:45 PM
Denial, anyone with a bit of experience in the field will tell you, is really hard work. To be successful at it, you have to always be on guard, always make sure to have all angles covered, and to never, ever leave anything to chance. You will have to act oblivious not only to the problem, but to the very possibility that there could even be a problem in the first place, and you have to present that facade so convincingly, that everyone else buys into it as well, without doubt or question. You have to make sure that your character is kept a solid one on all levels, without inconsistencies that might trigger suspicion. Because if you don't, you'll risk suddenly being made to realize that you've let your garde down and someone who has just been waiting for a crack to appear in your defense, has just gotten their golden opportunity to strike, handed to them.
And it's not even like all of that is enough. It's all just the tip of the iceberg, the mere front line. For while some say that appearance is everything, and while they might have a bit of a point, when it comes to denial, appearance is nothing without conviction. Without conviction, it will all just be a matter of time before your carefully built facade will begin to crumble. One crack here, one crack there, all due to your own ability to keep your garde up against the whims of your own subconscious, and before long, it will all come tumbling down over you.
When in denial, your number one enemy is yourself.
That was why Matt, when with Josh, preferred to just stick to making out, and to talk as little as possible. At least about what they were doing and their everday lives. The former called for an explanation that Matt wasn't ready to give, thus leaving him with just an excuse that was wearing increasingly thin, even to himself, while the latter shattered the little bubble of the only actual serenity that the real Matt had, by reminding him of everyone with whom he had to keep up his act, everyone with whom he had to keep his front intact, to the point where in order to cover all those blasted angles of denial, he had to assume his school persona to even be able to think of those people without feeling as though he was letting his garde down. The perfection he portrayed, and the real self he was trying so hard to hide, could never successfully mix. And that was why when he was with Josh, he would often be so very capricious and fickle; because one part of him kept intruding on the other, taking him - and Josh - on an emotional rollercoaster ride that he stood no chance of controlling. Only once there was silence brought about by kissing or hugging, or at least no talk about matters even remotely related to Matt's all-consuming theartical act, would his true self ease itself out of it's shell, and he would be perfectly content. Until something - a thought, a word, or even a touch that made his body respond in a way he wasn't ready for - once again flooded his mind with awareness that what he was doing went against all that he was fighting so hard to be, and he was right back to perfecting his facade, acting the part of Matt Sidle, teenage heartthrob without a single care in the world.
But tonight, that had yet to happen. Right now, he was just embarking on the stage where his true self made it's first appearance, and he was only too happy to have the conversation be put to an end by Josh, that he didn't even bother to retort.
"Y'know, Matt", came the other boy's voice in a somewhat strict tone, as though he was about to scold Matt for his caustic remark, but instead inched closer and paused just long enough to treat himself to another covetous kiss, before whispering in Matt's ear; "It's rude to talk during the movie."
Though even if Matt had wanted to snap something back at him, he wouldn't have gotten the chance. The sensation of Josh's breath against the sensitive skin on his neck, and the heat of his lips embracing Matt's earlobe sent a slight shiver up Matt's spine, and made him loose all interest he might've had in talking. Instead, he surrendered fully to Josh's advances, meeting him in yet a new kiss, that eventually turned into another, and another, and another. All the while Matt's one arm slid around Josh's back and the hand into his hair from below, his fingers closing around the soft strands as if prepared to seize control, should Josh try to pull away, and his other landing on the hand Josh had just placed on his thigh, guiding it just a little higher - but not too high - and squeezing it into kneading the flesh underneath the fabric of his dark jeans.
This, this was the real Matt; the young man enjoying every single second of having Josh close to him, the one not shying away from showing Josh what he liked, the driving force that kept taking things just a little bit further. Enveloped by the darkness of a movie theater where he was as confident as a paranoid young man could be that no one would see them, there was little of the outside world, of their everyday lives, that could impose itself on his awareness. It was only once his body started to respond to Josh's touch in way that he wasn't quite ready for, that the bubble was pierced, and he turned into something of a skittish deer, flinching and pulling away. However Josh, having seen it happen before, and having been put through the erratic aggression and the accusations that were often to follow when "he had gone too far" - though Matt tended to be the driving force, he never admitted to being the one guilty of making things escalate to a point where aforementioned bodily response occured - had sensed the oncoming storm and retreated to the safer areas just in time, thus soothing Matt's awakaned anxieties before the split second during which they usually turned to venemous allegations.
Tantrum averted, what happened instead was simply a short cessation of overly friendly activity, during which both boys had a chance to cool down, enough for them to start all over a just a little while later, when for what seemed the twentieth time in those few minutes, Matt glanced away from the screen to sneak a peak at Josh. But unlike all those other previous times, this time his gaze didn't return to the screen, but simply lingered on Josh's face while he leaned closer to him, one hand dropping suggestively onto Josh's thigh as the other gripped gently around his shirt collar to pull him into another starting, nibbling kiss. And once again, track of time was temporarily lost to the two of them.
It wasn't until the screen started filling with explosions and people clad in red and green - the scenes marking the end of 'Logan's Run' - that they were forced out of their own little world once more, lips reluctantly parting, and Matt glancing down at his watch, only to realize with a start that they were running out of time, and fast. Their two hours together were up.
"Sh*t!" he cursed under his breath as he began sliding his arms back into the wintercoat carelessly discarded and crumpled in the seat behind his back. "I gotta go, the lights will be on in a minute."
And yet, as much in a rush as he seemed to be to get out of there before the people that he and Josh were both fairly convinced weren't there could see them, his hurried movements still slowed to a halt when his eyes locked with Josh's, and he gave a heavy sigh.
"Sh*t", he cursed once more.
Only this time there was alot more regret in his voice, rather than the mild panic from before, and he even took the time to lean forward to steal one reluctant last kiss, before grabbing his knitted scarf and getting ready to sneak out of the theatre.
(((ooc: Hope it works, and that it wasn't too confusing. :D )))
28th Apr 2009, 9:41 PM
Time. Time to think things over, time to make your own decisions and time to spend with the people you care about. It just seemed to be such a difficult thing to harness. Now, Josh was the organised type somewhat, and he did make sure he had time to himself and for his friends, but the was the phenomenon of growing up too fast and he was afraid that he was a part of it. He was almost seventeen and he hadn’t managed to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life; not be a football player until his joints gave out, that was for sure. And he didn’t have time to really think it over, to really scrutinise what was going on in his life. Like now, with Matt.
To be fair, Josh did have a better idea of what was going on in their relationship than Matt did, simply because Matt just didn’t want to acknowledge it as a relationship to begin with… but Josh did know one thing, that the time spent in these stolen hours with Matt, he saw the real person underneath the pretend games, and he didn’t get anywhere enough of that time.
And it was the most ridiculous thing, but Josh couldn’t truly cherish those few hours of time, because he knew they always ran out too soon, and that everything would have to go back to those pretend games and that every after it, Matt pushed himself further and further into denial and that one day, he’d go too far for Josh to keep him. But he couldn’t refrain from pushing the boundaries of their relationship even if just physically, even if he knew he was running the risk of Matt throwing himself out of Josh’s company to keep his delusions, not because he wanted to push Matt out of denial – though, that was on the agenda – but simply because Josh couldn’t help himself. Call it love or lust, he just couldn’t control himself with Matt.
It took a lot of effort to get Josh angry or truly upset and there were people who’d known him for years and still couldn’t manage, but Matt did, and inadvertently, at that too, like during lunch time… Josh could have handled that so much better, he knew that. As for Josh’s control over the physical aspect of their relationship… well, that one had been the first to go.
He hadn’t resisted, or even hesitated as Matt guided the hand a little high up his thigh, the kisses becoming more forceful along with the kneading of Matt’s toned flesh, furthering and furthering upwards before something finally clicked in his mind and he stopped retreating. He wasn’t sure why he’d done it. In a similar situation with a girlfriend that was willing, he wouldn’t have had that happen… or maybe he would have, simply because this dingy little screening room didn’t come close to matching Josh’s standards for a full sexual encounter, both he and the girl – and currently Matt – deserved much better. Or maybe it was how he knew how Matt would take it, how it’d scare him into withdrawing further into that cocoon and how badly Josh wanted to avert that, both to safeguard Matt’s security and to not have this time cut short.
So he’d stopped himself before going too far, but he was far from done.
That moment that Matt had pulled away had sent a small jolt of panic through him, a fear that he hadn’t stopped in time, that it was too late to stop Matt from flying into alarm… but that wasn’t it, because, to his sincere relief, Matt didn’t say a word and stayed put exactly where he was and it turned into just a breather, rather than catastrophe. In a way, Josh was thankful, for that time away to regain more control of himself, because he hadn’t been able to stop his body responding to the addictive closeness, Matt’s effect on him, he hadn’t actually wanted to stop at all. So, in those moments he took to compose himself and his urges, he didn’t dare look at Matt, just in case he gave in again and went too far, keeping his eyes on the screen but not really watching the movie, knowing they were wasting precious time.
But it was for the better, because he didn’t want to go too fast and too far, and end up blowing it all up.
But there was the slightest upturn of his lips when Matt’s hand provocatively caressed his thigh, the small twitch of his flesh at the surprise, Matt’s grasp on his collar pulling him closer to those enticing lips locking them once more unto a path which Josh couldn’t fully surrender himself, regardless of how much he wanted to, but didn’t really see the time compressing into cruelly short seconds.
"Sh*t!" Matt cursed, pulling away and glancing down at his watch, starting to gracefully ease himself back into the coat that Josh should have really confiscated – along with the car keys inside – as the other boy simply watched in faint dejection. "I gotta go, the lights will be on in a minute. Sh*t.”
Those were the shortest two hours Josh had experienced in his whole damn life. And he wasn’t the only one, because judging by the regret in Matt’s voice and the way he caved in for one more kiss, neither of them was ready to let the other one go yet. So why should they? Who said it had to stop right here?
“You know,” Josh started suddenly without really thinking about it, his fingers reaching out to caress Matt’s smooth cheek before weaving into his hair the other arm resting on the backrest of Matt’s seat, the softness slipping in between his fingers teasingly, biting his reddened lower lip in hesitation – fear of rejection – before he carried on moving closer to Matt, lips locking in between words; “We can go somewhere else… more private…,” he pulled away for a second, looking into the deep brown eyes, promising the other boy anything he wanted in return for a little more time; “If you want.”
He didn’t have to think about the rest of the plan; necessity was the mother of invention, after all.
“I’ll get the car, you can wait in Fitzbury Avenue, and if you give me the all clear, I’ll stop and pick you up and… it’s up to you.”
(((OOC: Lol, hope that works :D )))
1st May 2009, 4:52 PM
The thing about stolen moments, much like anything stolen, is that no matter how much you manage to greedily get your hands on when the opportunity presents itself, it will never be enough. Money will run out, food will be eaten, things will eventually break, and you will be right back to craving more, with the same intensity that drove you in the first place.
In the case of Matt and Josh, what was stolen was time; time away from the eyes of everyone who thought they knew what and who either or both of the boys were. Time together, to enjoy eachother's closeness, hidden away where no one would see them. Time to indulge in what Matt to himself referred to as a guilty pleasure, and Josh as a reluctantly clandestine relationship. And time, in their case, was what was running out. It was what had them suddenly cherishing every last second and holding on to them for dear life before they were gone, like a big spender who suddenly realized he had to make every last penny count. It was what had them pushing the safety limit, leaving Matt to linger when really he should have already gone, continually convincing themselves they could afford just five more seconds, and then another five, and five more, while they kept sharing that one last kiss, that only moments later turned into the second to last, reluctance keeping Matt from wanting to go, and Josh from letting him.
Though Matt, being the one who didn't want to touch the truth of what was really going on between him and Josh even with a ten foot pole, wasn't one for clearly expressing the genuine disappointment he tended to feel whenever their time together was up. If he did say something, it was usually something laced with annoyance towards the things that dragged him away - friends, family, class, clubs, and any other random duty that came between him and what he wanted to do - or possibly towards Josh for wasting their time by insisting on talking, as proven by today's earlier events in the boiler room. Never did phrases like "I wish I could stay" and "I don't want to go" pass over his lips, though their essence clearly hid between the lines of what he usually did say; that he had to go.
Lately, however, even though he still didn't explicitly say it out loud, it had become increasingly clear that the annoyance he sported really sprung from disappointment. He probably wouldn't admit it, but to Josh, he didn't really have to. Over the past two months, Josh had more or less been forced to become something of a resident expert on seeing through Matt's charades, even though there were still times when he had his doubts; Matt was good enough to convince family as well as friends, and even himself, after all. Though truth be told, regardless of what he kept pretending and regardless of what he kept telling himself, his feelings towards Josh had deepened gradually, and the disappointment whenever they had to part, he now felt to the point where he could no longer conceal it as well as he'd used to. The perfect example being when instead of settling for just saying goodbye, Josh reached out to let his fingers brush against Matt's face before slipping into his hair, knowing well how much of a sucker Matt was for the sensation of fingers weaving through his dark locks.
"You know", Josh started, but then immediately hesitated while his teeth grazed his luscious bottom lip, drawing a somewhat anxiously expectant look from Matt.
A look that, despite him being so very aware that the lights would come on in just a minute or two, slowly dissipated when Josh drew closer, to let words and kisses intermingle as he continued;
"We can go somewhere else... more private..."
Having said that, he then pulled back slightly as if to watch for Matt's reaction, perhaps - and quite understandably - fearing that Matt would dismiss it with the same annoyed impatience that had sometimes surfaced in his demeanor when Josh had gotten "sentimental".
"If you want", the blue-eyed boy finished with uncertainty staining his voice, before quickly moving on as though he wished to convince Matt of the feasibility of his suggestion, before he could reject it; "I'll get the car, you can wait in Fitzbury Avenue, and if you give me the all clear, I'll stop and pick you up and... it's up to you."
And this, this would be the point where it became evident that Matt's disappointment at having to part, and his desire to share yet a little more time with Josh, had temporarily outgrown his ability to conceal them, because before Josh had even started blurting the actual plan, Matt was already eagerly nodding 'yes' to wanting to go, and then a few more times in instant agreement with the plan. Playing hard to get, or being his usual aloof self, seemed to be the last thing on his mind.
"Yeah, okay", he said quickly, and shot a glance towards the screen, which only sent him into even more of a hurry. "Give me ten minutes."
He then pushed himself out of the low, comfortable seat before Josh had a chance to say anything else, and slipped away into the darkness, a small beam of light cutting through it from the foyer outside when he opened the doors just enough to slip through. Creature of paranoid habit that he was these days, he stopped there for a few seconds as they slowly shut behind him, scanning the foyer to make sure there was no one around that might recognize him. Much to his relief, the place looked just as deserted as it had when he had arrived, if not more. The man that had been standing by the doors, only a few feet from where Matt himself now stood, was nowhere to be found, and the only living, breathing being he could see, was the lady in the ticket booth, and she was far too engulfed by the women's magazine in her hands to take any notice of Matt whatsoever. He left the movie theatre unseen.
Stepping outside, he found, was much like being shoved into an icey, stormy sea. The crisp chill of a winter day, at night turned into a cruelly freezing bite, and it drew a violent shudder from his form as the wind surged under his still open winter coat, prompting him to immediately button it up and wrap his arms around himself in an attempt to keep what little warmth it had left him. He then started down the street towards Fitzbury Avenue, pushing himself into a swift pace that would help keep him warm, and loosening his arms from around his upper body only long enough to wrap the scarf around his neck to protect his ears and nose, as well as the lips that were still both reddened and slightly swollen from the intense make-out session minutes ago. Once that was done, and the hotness of his breath was spilling over his face rather than dissipating into the cold air, he shoved his hands deep into his pockets, cursing himself for not having brought his gloves.
In that kind of cold, ten minutes felt like a whole hour, and stopping to wait for Josh was simply out of the question, lest he'd risk freezing to death. Consequently, once those ten minutes started nearing their end, Matt had gotten alot further than he had expected to, and as it occured to him that it also meant that it would take Josh longer to catch up with him, he simply turned on his heel and started back the same way he came. Which, now that he thought about, was actually better, since now he would be able to see Josh's car coming towards him, and flag him down.
And no sooner had that thought passed through his head, than his eyes locked on a beautiful dark sportscar just turning a corner a couple of hundred yards down the road. Hardly the most inconspicuous vehicle for picking up someone with whom you were having a secret affair, but right now, Matt really didn't care. He just wanted out of the cold, back into Josh's company.
Thus, as the car started nearing, he looked around himself yet again, seeing only an older couple walking a borderterrier on the other side of the street, and since they could hardly be considered a threat as far as... well, anything went, really, he raised his hand a little to signal that it was okay for Josh to stop. Seconds later, the car pulled up infront of him and came to a smooth halt as Matt quickly pulled open the door and slipped inside, sinking into the comfortable seat and bringing his freezing fingers to his lips to breathe into them.
"Go", he said through clattering teeth. "I don't care where, just go."
14th May 2009, 1:12 AM
Honestly, Josh was expecting rejection.
He didn’t want it, not by a long shot, but he was expecting Matt to reject the idea, because of what happened down in the boiler room and because of what happened in the locker room and because… because even if Josh didn’t their relationship in that way, he was afraid that Matt figured he’d had his fix for now and would just leave. He wasn’t even sure what the fix was – especially since the entire experienced tended to both exhilarate and scare Matt half to death, leaving Josh clueless as to what it was that kept him coming back (so far, anyway) – and it was irrational to assume that… well, half the time with Matt, Josh was predisposed to being completely irrational.
So, irrational or not, he was expecting rejection, or some post of postponement, promising to arrange a better time, when Josh – for the lack of a better way to phrase it, and in all it’s simplicity – wanted more, now. And he was afraid of rejection, he was afraid that Matt’s desire to spend time with him didn’t come close to matching the way Josh almost craved Matt’s company, the way that sometimes, when they were playing the façade of being amicable acquaintances, Josh desperately wished that Matt would let something show in his eyes when their gazes met, just to prove that it wasn’t all in Josh’s hopes and imagination, that it meant something to Matt too.
It was ridiculous, but he really couldn’t help it.
Just like he couldn’t help the way a full, delighted grin had started blossoming over his features as Matt wasted almost no time in agreeing to his “plan” – it really wasn’t a plan, it was just something he’d though up as he was saying it. He wasn’t sure why Matt agreed so quickly – well, he wasn’t sure why Matt would have rejected it either – but he wasn’t really all that particular about questioning it, and definitely not questioning Matt about it. Though… the back of his mind did wonder – hope, rather – that this meant more to Matt than just a possible experiment, that there was a part of him that truly wanted this, thrill or not, and in moments like this, that hope rooted itself in as a belief.
Matt agreed, and prolonging the stolen hours was all that was important to Josh.
So, told to wait those ten minutes, he knew they’d be only as long as the two hours that had just passed by without permission and he wasn’t particularly looking forward to the wait, when he knew that if things were slightly different, if Matt was this honest with himself all the time, with everyone else, those ten minutes wouldn’t be in existence and instead, there’d be the pair of them walking out together, free from looking over their shoulders, free to carry on as they pleased. Instead, Josh had those ten minutes to wait out. He didn’t watch Matt leave, he didn’t watch the sinewy frame grow further and further away into the darkness surrounding them, instead keeping his eyes on the white words rolling over the black screen as the credits played out their minutes of fame.
He refrained from glancing at his watch every two minutes. It didn’t make the time go any faster.
However, once the ten minutes were up, Josh couldn’t leave quickly enough, and soon making his way over to the almost empty car park, he simply sped up, partly because the cold propelled his muscles into actions to keep his body warm, and partly because that chill added the image of Matt standing by himself somewhere on Fitzbury Avenue, waiting. So, he didn’t waste any time in beeping the car door open, sliding in gracefully into the seat and driving off once the engine roared to life, smoothly taking the shortest route to Fitzbury Avenue, knowing that Matt had probably ventured quite far down the route to grant himself the secrecy he needed and therefore, speeding up more and more.
He almost missed Matt, saved only by the fact that Matt was walking up the road rather than down the road, and therefore, the familiar face drawing Josh’s attention to the brown eyed boy’s lone figure huddling itself against the biting cold. Signal given, he immediately pulled over, not failing to notice the elderly couple walking their dog.
Come on, Matt, they could be spies.
While he decided to abstain from actually saying those words as Matt, teeth clattering and all, he couldn’t help the small smile that it unleashed over his lips. That, and the sight of Matt, resigning himself to the comforts of the car, his handsome features paled by the chills of the weather, breathing into his hands to warm them up.
It really was ridiculous, but Josh wasn’t really sure why watching him do that, be less than perfectly poised and polished, made him so much more tangible, more engrossing.
"Go,” Matt ordered, still trying to warm himself up to apparently no avail; "I don't care where, just go.”
Now Josh wasn’t exactly prone to sexual innuendos and double entendres, but he was a guy and genetic or social, they did jump to his mind in the right situation, like this one. And so, he took Matt’s words out of context and put it into the contexts in which he hadn’t meant them in, and well… no wonder that smile on his face grew into a more suggestive grin. But he didn’t say anything, because he knew how easy it was to make Matt uncomfortable, and currently, that was the last thing he wanted to do.
So, he leaned towards the other boy, lips locking once more in a greeting and affectionate kiss before drawing back, turning up the heating in the car and then steering the car back onto the centre of the road and driving towards the more secluded areas of town.
And he really couldn’t help it, given that his mind was very firmly on the topic, and so he made the slightest of innuendos, that grin still on his lips slightly, ensuring that he had enough scope to backtrack with innocence should it become a problem;
“Sure," he conceeded, with traces of amusement clinging to his voice; "Just tell me when I’m far enough.”
(((OOC: Okay, certainly not the best of innuendos, but I figured I’d refrain from putting an “in” at the end of that sentence :P Matt would freak out
Hope this works!)))
18th May 2009, 2:42 AM
(((ooc: Indeed he would. *s* "Josh, stop the car, I've changed my mind." :D )))
During recent years, Matt Sidle had become one of those few "lucky" teenagers whose parents tended not to ask too many questions. While they might sometimes inquire about his plans for the evening, to be given at least a general idea of where he'd be, and for how long, they never really asked for details; they didn't ask for specific locations, they didn't ask whom he would be with, they didn't ask when he'd be home, and they never really forbade him to stay out past a certain hour. By now they were used to him running around with friends and with girls, and they probably figured that he would sometimes drink, though as they'd never caught him actually drunk or even tipsy, and he, to their knowledge, had never gotten into any trouble because of it, they figured he was either a responsible, moderate drinker, and didn't hit the hard stuff, or, best case scenario, he actually didn't drink. Furthermore, they were also aware that he was sexually active, and that he had been for a while now - although they maybe did keep themselves blissfully unaware of just how sexually active he was, and with how many - and they'd already had "the big talk" with him, about sexuality, sex and contraception. Matt remembered it as one of the most awkward moments in his entire life when his dad, who wasn't the most casual and easygoing father a boy could have, tried to address the matter of a teenager's libido with him, humming and clearing his throat every two seconds in such obvious discomfort that finally, Matt had just blurted out that he already knew about that kind of stuff, just to make it stop. Relief had been evident in both parties, as his father gratefully jumped at the chance, accepting the excuse not to carry on, and promptly left his son's room. Though in Matt's case, the relief sadly hadn't lasted very long, because apparently his father had been questioned by his mother about how it went, and she hadn't been too impressed, and thus taken it upon herself to give it another try.
Never before had Matt wished so desperately that he could just sink through the floor of his room and disappear.
However, that was over a year ago, and his parents had since pretty much left him alone as far as his sex life went. Only once, when he'd been heading out of the house around eleven o'clock on a Friday night to go out with a girl, had his father asked if he had 'protection', since apparently, those circumstances were far too obvious for even Charles Sidle to miss. But other than one incident, they didn't interfere with Matt's business, not even making all too much of a fuss should he not turn up until in the wee hours of morning, which they rarely learned about if he did anyway, since they were both usually sound asleep around midnight.
And, while Matt really had managed to keep himself out of the kind of trouble some kids in his position would easily find themselves is, perhaps this evening it would have been better for him, in a sense, or at least for his stubborn denial, if he'd actually had a few more regular rules to follow, because it probably would have spared him the experience than in a mere few hours, he would be kicking himself over, and that would push him even closer to the edge of the breakdown waiting for him at the horizon. Still far away, but gradually getting closer.
For with a few more rules to follow, such as a curfew, he might not have agreed to steal a few more hours in Josh's company. He wouldn't have ventured down Fitzbury Avenue, waiting for Josh to pick him up, he wouldn't have gotten into the car, and he wouldn't have told Josh to just drive off to wherever.
He would have gone home.
But with no curfew and with no single reason whatsoever for his thoughts to touch on the subject of his parents, as well as with the taste of Josh still on his lips and a burning desire for more, there was nothing stopping him. Not even the creeping sense of panic that would usually start nipping at his heels when he felt himself getting in to deep. For whatever reason, it just wasn't there tonight. Or maybe he was just not letting it in, because even though he saw the suggestive grin on Josh's lips, which might have been enough to spark some anxiety in him before, tonight he pretended not to. And even though the soft kiss Josh gave him had his eyes automatically flicking to the elderly couple down the street to make sure they weren't watching - despite the fact that they would hardly be able to see what happened in the darkness inside the car - he didn't say anything and, more importantly, he didn't even pull away. It was the smallest of signs, most would've probably not even reflected over it, but when it came to Matt and his denial, it was major progress.
"Sure", Josh said as he drew away, returning to his seat proper, with a faint grin painted on his lips as he turned the car back onto the road to soon leave Fitzbury Avenue behind. "Just tell me when I'm far enough."
The innuendo in his words and in his playful tone of voice didn't pass Matt by. One teenage boy to another, it was difficult to miss, even though it was rather vague in comparison with the usual level of crudeness that tended to stain the expression of a teen boy's dirty little mind. But again he pretended not to notice, his denial perhaps taking on a whole different dimension, in that he was now not blocking out Josh's importance in order to protect himself from being made to face what really was his bisexuality, but rather blocking out the little things that usually threatened that denial and tended to send him into a minor fit of freaking out.
And what was more, he even let slip a fragment more than he usually did, of the truth that he would fight so hard to keep under wraps:
"California would be nice", came his voice somewhat glumly from the passenger seat, and his frame sank a little deeper into it, as though he was trying to absorb as much warmth from the heat seat cushions as possible.
Whether it was consciously or not, Matt himself probably couldn't tell you, but it did suggest that the freedom of finding himself in a place where no one knew him, might make it easier for him to finally ease his way out of his beloved shell of constant deception.
(((ooc: Hope it's enough to work with. :) If not, let me know.)))
24th May 2009, 7:57 PM
Trust and violation of trust were such fragile concepts. Firstly, the occurrence of imparting full and unbridled trust to someone else was as rare as it was precious. Secondly, it was a huge responsibility and though Josh was hardly one to shy away from accepting responsibility of any kind – as long as it was impartially fair – he had to admit that having someone’s trust entrusted to him immediately put him in a position of going to any lengths not to betray that trust and disappoint and hurt the person who’d taken that risk for him. It really was the only way he knew how to deal with it; Josh wasn’t manipulative, he wasn’t scheming, exploitative or cunning.
The problem was, his relationship with Matt had cost him the entirely of his previously untarnished record; he did lie, and in his eyes, he did scheme and he did have to resort to cunning, devious methods to get himself what he wanted; time with Matt.
Though, the question was; who had the right to deprive him of what he wanted when it was fair, and it was acceptable? Who had the right to dictate who he dated, or who he got involved with sexually – admittedly, things had yet to go that far with Matt, but still, the point remained – and who he felt attracted to? The only person this was unfair on was Marie-Elisabeth and though he planned on making that right with her as soon as he was at liberty to do, he knew that there wasn’t much to undo the lies and cheating already thrown at her and that, he was truly regretful about. But everyone else… why did they get to have a say on what he got to do with his life?
And it really did frustrate him to no end, because as much as he wanted to break free of the shackles imposed on him, as much as he knew how to, he just didn’t want to hurt anyone, because they’d trusted him not to.
But again, what was that trust? Did his father specifically trust him not to be bisexual, not to be attracted to the same sex? Or did he trust Josh to make the right decisions, to ensure that he wasn’t careless with someone – anyone – else’s feelings? Because one was expecting the best of someone and the other was controlling them…. But hopes aside, Josh did have to admit that where his father was concerned, things did lean towards control. As for his mother… he couldn’t see her suffering anything short of a coronary if she ever found out about his sexuality. Funnily, she’d ban him from talking to boys ever again.
However… it really wasn’t their place to decide his entire life for him and… and really, it wasn’t as if what he was doing was wrong in any way. Of course, even Matt seemed to disagree on that point.
Or did he…?
"California would be nice,” Matt replied with disheartened restraint as Josh didn’t fail to notice his lack of response over the earlier semi-innuendo. Josh had dampened it down considerably, but given Matt’s predisposition to play that game with every passing girl, a part of him knew that Matt would get it and frankly, he wanted Matt to get it. Partly. And Josh knew he did recognise it and that, added to the fact that his reply wasn’t a freak-out but rather just a sombre longing anchored it in that deep down, it wasn’t Matt who saw anything wrong with their relationship, but rather everyone else did, and that, in light with his need for approval, restricted him.
Though, Josh did find some amusement in the fact that Massachusetts, the home of Brooklake, was the first to recognise gay relationships legally and out of all the states that Matt could have chosen, he went for California, which was second to do so.
But Matt probably hadn’t thought about that… and he probably couldn’t, because of that crippling need for approval. Yes, it was somewhat of a surprise to believe that Matt Sidle with his disarming charm and his aura of self-confidence had craving for approval. There were so many ways to need something, and Matt’s need didn’t fall into the category of wanting to please people, but rather into the category of wanting the adoration of people, of wanting their awe, of wanting the feeling of being something – someone – because they all wanted to be him.
And the worst thing was, it was tragic, when Josh just wished that all he needed to do for all those things was to be himself. Matt Sidle was a better man than what he pretended to be.
But Josh had to admit that the temptation to take up Matt’s offer and keep driving all the way to California, away from those who reasserted Matt’s dependency on approval and those that constantly restricted Josh’s choices almost dominated for a moment.
But no. Standing your ground and fighting the good fight was better than running away; they weren't doing anything wrong.
Instead, he kept off the interstate and drove further and further into the suburban areas of Brooklake, navigating off the main roads and into the woodlands, driving up a hillside and eventually halting at a secluded and yet beautiful spot over looking the rest of the town far below them, beyond the trees and bushes. They’d be able to hear anyone coming and make their way out of there before any problems manifested.
Josh turned off the engine, leaving the only disturbances of the deathly silence to be his and Matt’s breathing, settling back into the seat for a moment before he undid the seatbelt, eyes glancing over to Matt with an inviting, roguish smile growing over his lips.
“Nah,” he rebuffed as his husky voice penetrated softly through the silence, his form turning on it’s side to face Matt better, undoing the seatbelt on his side and pulling him over closer, but eventually ending up moving his own body more towards Matt. Then he answered the request, as if to signal that he had understood what Matt had meant by it and also to defuse any awkwardness he’d been feeling over it, because right now, the last thing Josh wanted was awkwardness; “Too many distractions for you.”
Though, he did suppose that that was his own fearful subconscious suddenly surging to the surface for a moment, because he did worry that he was just an experiement to Matt and suddenly, once the next best thing came along, he’d be history. But now wasn’t the time for it.
His lips locked with Matt’s, one hand weaving through Matt’s silky locks as Josh’s kisses moved smoothly downwards, over his throat and along his neck, unbuttoning the shirt and carrying on before speaking; “Now let’s see about warming you up…”
God, this would be easier if they moved to the backseat….
(((OOC: Hope this works, Atropa :)
LOL, Josh'd so play the innocent card on that one if Matt explained why he wanted out; "Matt, you've got such a one track mind!" :P )))
31st May 2009, 4:02 PM
Contrary to popular belief, the truth known perhaps only by one, maybe two other people, Matt was ruled by fear. Not by self-assurance, not by self-worth, not by his "obvious" joie de vivre, or any of the other qualities always present in his everyday official demeanour. He wasn't ruled even by hopes and dreams, but by fear. Plain and simple. Fear of not being everything that everyone expected him to be, of not being what he expected himself to be. Fear of having flaws, fear of not being worthy of the envious awe of others. Fear of being anything less than perfect. He went to such lengths to ensure that he would maintain his status as Mister Popularity, that he even sometimes lost track of who he really was. Even though a lot of it was actually real; he really was charming and witty, he really was intelligent and had a good sense of humour. He did love girls, and wasn't particularly keen on the idea of sticking to the same one for very long. He did love acting, and he did love running. And he was a complete narcissist, even if in a way quite different from what most everyone else thought him to be. So yes, even with the carefully crafted persona that was his outward appearance, a lot of it was indeed real. It was just that there were other parts of him, that he simply refused to acknowledge. Such as the fact that he, like most other teenagers, suffered from insecurity, that there were times when he just needed to be alone to brood and wallow in self-pity, times when he felt completely and utterly inadequate, for any of the about million reasons a teenager tends to feel that way.
And then there was, of course, the mother of everything that he considered a personal flaw, and failure; the fact that he was attracted to a boy.
Despite all the denial and the excuses he was hiding behind, deep deep down he knew it. And he refused to touch it with a ten foot pole, thinking that if he didn't acknowledge it, it would just go away. Despite his actual indulgence in it, his inability to keep himself from seeking Josh's company, and particularly the tenderness and the heat that usually came with it, he kept telling himself that as long as he didn't actually label it anything other than an experiment, a vice, a guilty pleasure, sooner or later it would disappear from his system, and everything would be okay. He would be back to being "normal", like he had been before that night about two months ago, when for some stupid, stupid reason, he'd opened up to Josh, and they had ended up sharing a kiss. The kiss. The one that had made something within him come alive, and had started him down the road to ruin. That too, he knew deep down, but just as was the case with his bisexuality, he mentally covered both eyes and ears and pretended it simply wasn't there, staring him in the face.
He wasn't stupid, after all.
Tonight, however, something remarkable had happened. For some reason, fear had seemed to loosen it's grip of him, and the usual signs of oncoming bouts of panic and anxiety were nowhere to be found. So far, at least. The things that would have usually risked setting off one of his panic attacks, he ignored, and despite knowing that going off to some remote location with Josh at this hour would most likely turn into a situation pushing his precious boundaries, he still did it anyway. He even went as far as to kind of, almost, in a way, sort of admit to actually wanting to find himself at liberty to be with Josh, for more than just a few stolen moments, and his lips did actually form a slight, albeit somewhat distant smile, when in response to his semi-serious request for going to California, Josh responded;
"Nah. Too many distractions for you."
Though while the comment did tug his lips into a faint smile, at Josh's indirect admittance of a tendency to be a little jealous, he did still ignore the way that it also implied an actual right for Josh to be jealous, as it would indicate an actual relationship, and thus bring about the thoughts that Matt's subconscious was currently working hard to avoid. Therefore, he just remained quiet, and instead retrieved his cell phone from his jacket pocket to turn it on to check the small batch of text messages bound to be waiting for him. And sure enough, shortly after the screen lit up and came alive, a series of short signals announced that he'd recieved four messages; two from friend and fellow track team member Leon Walters, one from one of his other friends, and the last from none other than Sienna, telling him how her car had apparently been vandalized, and asking if he could give her a lift to school tomorrow.
It wasn't actually until right then, that it occurred to Matt how much of a bad idea it really was, to turn his cell phone back on and offer the everyday life that he currently needed to block out, a way of imposing itself on this forbidden encounter with Josh. Such a very bad idea, as it put him in contact with the people that could never, ever know about what he was up to right now, and whose existence - when made acutely aware of it like this - would usually awaken Matt's obsessing over how what he was currently doing was so very, very bad, and so very, very wrong.
After all his efforts not to register the small things Josh said and did, that would pique his guilty conscience, what ended up nearly shattering it all, was his own doing, and he soon regretted ever acknowledging the fact that he had a cell phone, as the ice cold hand of anxiety started closing around his abdomen. He wanted nothing more than to turn it back off and pretend he hadn't turned it on in the first place. However, Sienna's message did require an answer as soon as possible, and so he quickly sent her back a confirmation that he would be picking her up the next morning, and then swiftly turned the cell phone back off, and returned it to his jacket pocket.
It had all happened in complete silence, with Matt not making a sound, and Josh letting him fiddle with the phone uninterrupted, but it would seem that perceptive boy that he was, especially to Matt's mood swings, Josh had still noticed the violent dip in Matt's spirits, because even after Matt had put the phone away, Josh still remained quiet. Without saying anything, he simply kept steering the car towards a remote location at the outskirts of town, allowing Matt to find his way back to the increasingly relaxed state he'd been in before, in peace. Only once the car finally rolled to a smooth stop near the top of a hill, with a good view of the town far below spreading out in front of them, and he'd turned the engine off, did he undo his belt and turn in his seat to look at Matt, with a playful smile on his lips that, even if Matt hadn't yet managed to fully relax, would've been sure to help him get there. Though at first he pretended not to notice, his eyes instead scanning the view straight ahead, as if to drink in how far away they really were from everything that put such pressure on him. Not quite California, but still far enough to help put his mind a little more at ease. In a way, it was much like the typical party attitude of "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"; the mentality of those who know they are about to act up, and excuse it by claiming that once they leave the scene of the crime, their deeds there will no longer count, or officially exist.
It wasn't until Josh reached over to undo his seatbelt as well, that Matt turned his head to look at him, finding the inviting smile on Josh's lips drawing a similar one from his own, and himself being most willingly pulled closer for a soft kiss. A kiss that sparked a slow, but instant response, as Matt's lips parted slightly to welcome him, a tiny shiver dancing up his spine as he felt Josh's fingers dig into his hair, and his hot lips then making their way from Matt's, trailing gently down along his throat and neck. Within moments, his own hands had busied themselves, one slipping into Josh's hair from below and gently gripping it at the back of his head, almost as if to guide it, and along with it the course of his lips, and the other sliding up the inside of his jeans-clad thigh, squeezing the flesh underneath on it's way up, yet careful to stop before reaching "too far".
"Now let's see about warming you up...", came Josh's voice in a hushed murmur, as his lips kept grazing the delicate skin on Matt's neck, and his fingers started to undo the first few buttons of Matt's shirt.
And even though the sensation of Josh's fingertips brushing against the exposed top of his chest was enough to make Matt instantly recoil, it would soon turn out to not be the beginning of one of his frequent bouts of panic, as one might have expected, but rather the opposite. Despite that initial flinch, that seemed as though he was about to pull away, it was only an ever so small one, and what ended up being the real reaction, was a slightly ragged breath instead, and nails digging briefly into the fabric of Josh's pants in a reflex response to the feelings he'd stirred within.
Though even with that first critical point proving to be easily overcome, where Matt was concerned there really didn't tend to be just one, but several, and so the next was soon to follow, when in his desire to get even closer to Josh, Matt's hand abandoned Josh's thigh, gripping him at the hip instead, in order to close the small distance between them even more. It was a move that no more than a split second later had him recoiling again. Only, it still wasn't in panic, but this time in what actually appeared to be... pain?
Apparently, even though Matt had decided to forget - at least temporarily - about the tackle Josh had dealt him earlier that day, his body had not. The soreness shooting through his right arm as he tugged at Josh's frame, swiftly informed him of that.
2nd Jun 2009, 7:27 PM
How many times had he done this? How many times had Josh gone on a date that had renewed itself to the point of him and the lady in question driving out to the middle of nowhere and just carry on? How many times had that lead to them having sex in his car, or just out in the middle of nowhere?
Frankly, more times that he wanted to admit. Not the actual sex, but rather the circumstances surrounding it. Josh wasn’t a player, he didn’t take pride in scoring with as many girls as possible, but he was guy and he couldn’t deny that he had sexual urges, just like the next man. Well, considering that the next man was currently Matt Sidle, Josh did have to note that his own libido was more under control than Matt’s was. Anyway, there were times that Josh regretted, like maybe having sex in the locker rooms with a girl he’d met all of three days ago, but all in all, he did have to admit that he was responsible and considerate… maybe not as much as he’d like, but then, there was always room for improvement.
Regardless of how many times before he’d done this, he’d never felt as… edgy as this before, he had to admit.
He wasn’t sure why. He’d never brought anyone out here before. He knew this place well and it suited his tastes perfectly; it was quiet, peaceful, secluded and it gave him every opportunity to shake off those expectations, distance himself from the obligations that held him down and just be free. Even if just for a while. And the view, it was beautiful, being able to look out over the entire town, seeing what he’d do differently, the small changes to it for better accessibility, or better design or whatever, and the serenity of it, to be able to not worry about stepping on other people’s desires in going about what he wanted to do. It was his secret haven, in a way, and Matt was the first person he’d shared it with.
Though he didn’t make a fuss of it, but he couldn’t help notice the fact that for the first time, he couldn’t relax completely.
Or maybe it was just the effect Matt had on him. Maybe it was Matt, the tension in their relationship, the lies surrounding it, the uncertainty of it. And yeah, all relationships did carry an element of uncertainty with them, but this was… it was more, it was more intense. Regardless of what Matt liked to dress it up as, regularly making provisions to see someone, spend time with them, have them understand you, and make out with them did mean you were in a relationship with them, and regardless of what Matt liked to deny, being attracted to a member of the same sex and feeling that attraction enough to indulge in it did make you at least bisexual.
But he’d learnt enough not to push the issue with Matt, because he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t at ease enough.
However, Josh wasn’t perfect, he got impatient, he got frustrated, and sometimes he ruined things, the earlier events of the day being a stellar example. He never did know where to set the boundaries in their relationship. Emotionally… being the only person he’d admitted his true thoughts and feelings in full to, Matt had taken down those boundaries considerably, but every time Josh pushed it further, he was burnt by Matt’s rebuff of their entire association. However, Josh’d be a liar if he didn’t admit that despite that verbal denial, there was something deeper, something that made him lose that careful control and yet kept him anchored in. And speaking of the verbal aspect of it, there was the issue of what they were okay talking about. Frankly, there was so much that Josh wanted to talk about; them, their reasons, what they were doing… everything Matt was unwilling to talk about, and the words left unsaid festered and gnawed away at him, fuelling the hunger in their physical relationship.
And that was the trickiest of them all. Josh was comfortable with this, he was happy and really, he wanted more than make-out sessions and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it. Matt wasn’t comfortable with this, and Josh wasn’t sure whether he wanted more, but if he did, Josh was pretty sure he was far too ashamed to ever admit it, even to himself.
Those boundaries had never been set and every time the skirted beyond the norm, Matt freaked out and Josh… he didn’t want to rush it and lose Matt.
However… he never did know when he was going too far, and when he could go further, without ending up going too far.
Like now, and the feeling of Matt’s nails pushing into the flesh of his thigh, Josh didn’t know whether to subtly guide the hand where he wanted it to go, or whether that was going too far. In the moment, with the heat of Matt’s form so close to his, the wanting raging through him, it really wasn’t easy to think, it really wasn’t easy to play by boundaries that he didn’t even know and risk catastrophe, and so, he played it passively most of the time and let Matt set the pace. He just surrendered to the intensity of it, to the confusion, the sensation of Matt’s hands over him, the intimacy which, to Josh, extended beyond the physical and –
Suddenly Matt jerked back, and Josh froze. Had he done something stupid? No… no, his hands were within the non-alarming zones, his body wasn’t showing any signs of arousal and he sure as hell hadn’t said anything stupid….
Oh. Guilt trickled through him at the realisation of the reason for Matt’s withdrawal; the shoulder. Oh, jeez, he hadn’t meant to hurt him that much. Well, he hadn’t meant to hurt him at all, but Josh hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that Matt wasn’t a football player and his body wasn’t used to that kind of abuse and that Matt wasn’t going to stand for it.
Damn it. His body hovering over Matt’s, his eyes fixed on Matt’s shoulder, taking in a slight breath, Josh could have stopped and delivered a full apology and explanation like he knew he should, but… but he didn’t want to dispel the fervour of the moment.
Instead, he ran a smooth caress over the shoulder, supporting his bodyweight by pushing the other hand on the headrest of Matt’s seat as he brought his lips to the shoulder, his hot breath penetrating through the fabric before he moved back onto kissing Matt’s neck, teeth nibbling slightly at the skin before locking onto his lips again.
Alright, this really was uncomfortable, because there wasn’t enough space to manoeuvre in the car when he was practically on top of someone else in the same seat and therefore, they had to move over to the backseat if this encounter was going to spare the both of them any physical harm. He couldn’t just pull Matt over, especially with the shoulder injury, and so, he shifted back down between the two seats, near the gear stick and over the middle compartment, gently tugging at Matt to follow his lead, fingers sinking into the soft flesh around his spine, lips still locked, his tongue playfully exploring Matt’s mouth, before shifting backwards onto the backseat, taking Matt with him again, ending up slouched down with Matt partly lying on top of him.
He liked this. His warm breath pushing past Matt’s neck, he really liked this.
But wait, shoulder. The last thing he wanted was for it to put a strain on Matt again, and selfishly, he didn’t want to be reminded that he’d been responsible, and he didn’t want it to ruin the mood. So, he pushed a little against Matt’s left shoulder, using his own bodyweight as he hoisted himself up to rotate both of them slightly towards right side of the backseat, ending up shifting so that Matt was the one lying on the seat and Josh, with both arms perfectly functional and getting pretty frisky, could support himself without slouching on anything and simply kneeling on the backseat, straddling Matt’s lower thighs.
He didn’t stop the kissing at any point, now getting to sliding off Matt’s shirt over his shoulders and partway down his arm, almost like unwrapping a present, only to find the emerging blue colouring striking against Matt’s healthy tan.
Damn. He had to remember to play nice next time.
“I’m sorry,” Josh’s hot breath whispered into Matt’s ear, a playful grin playing out at the side of his lips as they grazed against Matt’s earlobe; “Want me to kiss it better?”
(((OOC: Didn’t go any further, but hope that works! :) Wasn't sure how to describe the whole shifting into the backseat thing... but hopefully that makes sense)))
25th Jun 2009, 8:26 AM
Teenage boy and serial heartbreaker that he was, Matt was no stranger to backseat 'activities'; of moving heavy make-out sessions from the front seats of a car, to the backseat, so that making out could turn into quite a bit more. Over the past couple of years, with parents almost constantly around when either at home or at the house of a girlfriend, and thus with the risk of having them walk in or at least come knocking at the worst possible time - parents did seem to have some kind of uncanny sixth sense for when they stood the best chance of ruining their child's chances of doing something they didn't want said child to be doing, didn't they? - a young man had to turn inventive and resourceful. Matt, who possessed a great deal of both of those qualities, had found a number of alternatives, such as the summer sports closet, the locker rooms, one of the supply storages, a cemented outside stairwell leading down to the basement, a few of the rooms in the basement - the boiler room, for one - and, of course, the bathrooms, to use for such purposes. And those were just the places in school. There still remained the myriad of places used when not in school, and among them, was of course the car; probably the number one place for teenagers to engage in amorous activities. Far from the most creative one, and even further from the most romantic one, but without question one of the most convenient ones, due to how easy it was to just drive off to a place where you wouldn't be bothered, and then simply relocate to the backseat, and let the fun begin. To Matt, it had even become… well… the general routine.
But, that was when he was with girls. In this particular car, and with this particular partner, as well as in the company of his fears of what it would mean to go that far, the thought of relocating hadn't actually crossed his mind. For two months he and Josh had been meeting up whenever they had a chance, in order to make out, and still Matt would freak out if things went "too far", and with the backseat being the place for things to go "too far", his mind seemed to have just blocked it out as a possibility altogether.
Although, what he didn't seem to be aware of, was that his guard was being gradually lowered, and that his fears, while still present, had retreated to a place far further back in his mind than usual. It was as though the silent, deserted surroundings and the complete solitude they offered, coupled with the hunger that had been stirred within him in the darkness of the movie theatre, and that was still clinging to his core, were all chipping away at his defences. They were all putting a distance not only between him and the charade that was his everyday life, but between him and the pressure he put himself under, often through others such as friends and family, and even the "adoring masses"; everyone that bought into his act of being perfect and carefree, and thereby everyone whose expectations he fought so hard to live up to. A minor miracle, one might think, for that pressure to fade from his awareness, but it really was no more complicated than the concept of "out of sight, out of mind". With nothing around to remind him of what he was "supposed" to be, other than Josh, who in all honesty under the circumstances represented something far, far different, it was as though the freedom of being what he truly was had started claiming his mind instead, slowly lulling him into a sense of security that allowed him to indulge himself. He was actually slipping into a state of mind so relaxed, that not even the pain shooting through his shoulder when tugging Josh closer to him, snapped him back to "reality", and flooded his mind with anxiety over realizing what he was doing - engaging in acts of homosexual behaviour; something that usually would set off one of his frequent freak outs. Instead, he carried on as though nothing had happened, closing his eyes to let the sensation of Josh's lips against the naked skin of his neck and on his lips wash over him, and purge his mind of all else. And when next Josh started retreating towards the backseat, lips still locked with Matt's and coaxing him into following, he actually did, and he didn't think twice about it. On the contrary. As the two boys were slipping not-so-gracefully between the front seats and onto the back one, he even gave a soft laugh at the brief tangle of limbs, and when after some shifting and rolling, Josh was on top and whispered his "I'm sorry", Matt initially didn't realize what he meant. Then, once he did, it was as though his subconscious - for once free of the suffocating enclosure of his forced cage - immediately put up a wall to safeguard these few precious moments of freedom, and fended off the thoughts that would have usually darted through his head, and set off one of his panic attacks.
As a result, the reaction to Josh's apology and his offer to kiss it all better, turned out to be one quite different from what it would have been, had they been anywhere less remote. He didn't seem to be reminded of the how, when and why the injury had been caused, and he didn't freeze for a moment as a shadow of discomfort drifted across his features while the circumstances tipped the scales towards him either dismissing the memory and carrying on, or having him once again focus on the expectations he was failing by doing what he was doing, and thus panicking.
No. What happened instead was that he simply smirked, and, as the shirt that Josh had pushed down from his shoulders was partly restraining him, limiting the movements of his hands to the lower part of his partner's body, slid them slowly up Josh's thighs, only stopping momentarily here and there to give a gentle squeeze.
"Shut up", he murmured into Josh's ear, and then caught one of the other boy's hands on it's way down Matt's chest.
And instead of having it retreat back up again, he guided it to the lower part of his own inner thigh at first, giving it too a squeeze to show what he wanted Josh to do. But while that was usually as far as he would take things, as taking them further usually started coaxing the first, tiny signs of a physical reaction in him, this time, he didn't actually stop there, but after a few seconds guided Josh's hand even higher, far beyond what until now had been known as Matt's comfort zone. All the while with his other arm trying to free itself from the restrictive shirt, so that it could roam where he wanted it to, and his fingers could once again slip into Josh's hair and seize control.
(((ooc: Hope it makes sense. Interrupted post, written in between several cases of interrupted sleep.)))
11th Jul 2009, 11:57 PM
It was a bizarre meridian, the amount and lack of control Josh had in this relationship. Normally, he knew where he stood, the girl knew where she stood and when any awkwardness did arise, it was sorted out, because Josh wasn’t the pushy type and while that really couldn’t be said about the repertoire of ladies he dated, they did make an effort.
Here, Josh knew he was the one more in control of himself, more assured about it that Matt, and yet, he was the one with the least amount of control. Everything he did was at Matt’s mercy to either accept or vehemently reject and yes, he did know some things were far more likely to be accepted than others, but it was the grey areas that really had him pinned down. Josh wasn’t exactly one to cut back on the fun and in the heat of the moment, he did want to go further and further, but he was considerate and so, he wanted to play within the boundaries. He had no idea where those were. It was like playing football when you didn’t even know what the boundaries.
However, the choice to push the boundaries, or play within them, remained in Josh’s control, whereas setting the boundaries was Matt’s forte and that mattered more, didn’t it?
Right now, the boundaries were more blurred than ever, with Matt guiding his hand where, previously, had been a danger zone and yet, that gentle squeeze seeming to will Josh to go where he hadn’t dared to before. Josh really wasn’t sure, and he really, really did not want to ruin the moment, but right then, with Matt’s tantalizing touch exploring his upper thighs, he wasn’t thinking straight. If Matt freaked out, it’d be fine, he’d take the blame, and he’d handle it. Why play safe when you’re willing to accept the consequences, right?
Jesus, he really wasn’t thinking and he really didn’t want to regret this.
He drew back momentarily, his hand exactly where Matt had placed it, gently pushing against the toned flesh, lips hovering a short distance from his partner’s, hot breath searing the skin as he watched Matt pry himself free of that shirt, the moonlight trickling over his smooth skin, polishing it to the almost translucent perfection, every muscle burrowing in and out as his chest rose and fell. Josh’s lips parted once more, locking onto Matt’s, the tip of his tongue smoothly caressing across Matt’s, as his hand boldly ventured upwards, gently massaging before moving on to the top of Matt’s jeans, slipping his fingers in between the fabric and Matt’s skin, gliding it along in a smooth, teasing caress, reaching the top button of the jeans and – presumptuously, but daringly – undoing it, then running a nail down the zipper, sending the minute vibrations all over the area, almost as if giving Matt enough time before he went further and unzipped it.
His other hand slipped into Matt’s luscious hair, pressing the other boy’s lips against his almost ravenously, then lips and hand trailing downwards, over Matt’s neck, his chest, tongue flicking over Matt’s nipple as the hand guided Matt’s grasp on his thigh higher above, taking it to his belt buckle, leaving the decision up to him.
He was willing, was Matt?
That was the issue, that was always the issue. Josh, after that first kiss and all the delirious confusion it brought, after Matt and he had taken it to be something secret and yet addictive and fulfilling, wanted more, he wanted more than just a make-out session, he wanted more than just sex, more than denial and rebuttal every time it went that way. Right now, they were going further than they ever were before and Josh was getting to the point of not thinking about the negative consequences, of dangerously ignoring them altogether, that Matt’d freak out at any moment, that Matt would withdraw and that he’d never come back.
He’d switched over to a mindless hope and fervour, that Matt would see how much he wanted it too, that Matt would realise and accept there was nothing wrong with it, that he’d want more and he’d keep coming back and that finally, Josh’d know where the boundaries were.
(((OOC: Lol, incoherent as hell, I know, but he’s really not thinking much at this point :P )))
8th Aug 2009, 10:57 AM
Selfishness was something of which Matt was known to have plenty. Whatever he did, regardless of what it was, he usually stood something to gain from it. It could be as complicated as just a small phase of some intricate plot to cause someone else's social demise, or as simple as helping a pretty girl with directions or some random school assignment, just as an excuse to flirt with her and work up to an opportune time of asking her out. Rarely did he do anything for someone else, unless there was something in it for him, and no one else's problems were ever more important and in need of solving, than those making his life any less pleasant than it was "supposed" to be. His well-being was top priority to him, and ought to be to everyone else as well.
Matt Sidle was as much a stranger to doing something for someone else out of the goodness of his heart, and out of the goodness of his heart only, as a natural born landlubber was to the open sea.
However, the thing was, he was also very vain, and while selfishness and vanity often tend to go hand in hand, it does make for a rather interesting mix, when sex is brought into the picture. Suddenly, it was no longer about Matt himself, no longer about what he liked and what he wanted. It wasn't about just him finding satisfaction. With vanity running high in him, there was inevitably the desire to be a good lover. Preferably an amazing one. He took a lot of pride in pleasing his partner, because there was no greater high than riding the waves of pleasure, while seeing your partner do the same. To see them pushed over the edge, long before you yourself followed them down into exhausted bliss. Besides, girls talk. Word gets around, and should it say that you weren't a good lay, there weren't many that would be too interested in giving you a chance to redeem yourself, to prove the rumour false. And so yes, being worthy of having people gossip about you, in a good way, was important indeed.
But, as always, when it came to Josh, matters were a lot more complicated than they had ever been with any girl Matt had gotten intimate with, and with the whole thing between the two of them already causing him quite a bit of distress and searing shame, as well as with Josh's understanding nature, it had soon come to be mostly about Matt. Not all, mind you, because even though Josh was more tolerant than most people would have been in his position, he was far from self-obliterating. If nothing else, this afternoon's antics had been proof enough of that. Yet it didn't change the fact that it was one of the cases where once again Matt was completely focused on Matt and Matt's needs, and so consequently, with the retreating yet still present inhibitions and fears of his that had permeated their whole relationship since day one, he still ended up far too restricted by them now, to fully reciprocate the attention Josh lavished on him.
Though it didn't stop him from enjoying it.
Having finally escaped the restraints of the shirt that now lay crumpled underneath him, his one hand soon returned to once again grab Josh by the hair and press his intoxicating lips against his own in a kiss deepening with lust, and to the sound of the faintest of moans being muffled between them. He could feel Josh's hand kneading the inside of his thigh, yet remained oblivious to how he himself shifted his hips ever so slightly and adjusted his footing in response to that tantalizing touch. More and more he was giving in, as Josh's exploring fingertips pushed him slowly away from his thinking self, urging him to let go of his fears and just surrender to his growing desires. And for once, his self-consciousness ended up fighting a loosing battle. It was difficult enough to keep his thoughts lucid when Josh's fingers hooked into the hem of his pants and slid along his skin to the centre button, burning a path felt even long after the touch was gone, but when his nail then ran teasingly along his zipper, a gasp, barely audible, pushed past Matt's lips, and doubt and hesitation became but a bad memory. Resistance was futile. The young man felt every single quiver that the other boy's fingertip caused as it slid down the jagged teeth of the zipper, each and every one of them sending a small electrical jolt through his loins, and showing that while Matt may be a master over many things, his own body was not one of them. He felt himself twitch, felt his pants grow tighter. But for the first time ever with Josh, he didn't panic. He didn't freak out, didn't push Josh away, and he didn't break the embrace. He didn't even withdraw. Instead, another sharp hiss cut through the thickening air in the car, rich with hunger and craving, as hot lips embraced one of his nipples and coaxed his back into a slight arch.
Yet, when it came to reciprocating, he still could not. It was no mystery to him what Josh wanted him to do, bringing his free hand to his belt buckle in obvious invite to explore as well, but... Matt just wasn't ready. He had already gone further than ever before with Josh, and while fear was currently far from his mind, it remained far away for a reason; because Matt's subconscious kept him away from challenging things too much. Almost as though it had built a wall separating him from his obsession with being "perfect", and everything that risked reminding him of it. Though just because he couldn't bring himself to "return the favour", it didn't mean he couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate at all. Fingers still wrapped around Josh's dark locks, Matt's other hand may have abandoned his belt, but only to slip underneath Josh's shirt and explore the landscape of skin and flesh underneath it instead. Up, up, his fingertips roamed, gliding over every toned ripple of Josh's broad chest, and upon arriving at his one nipple started rolling it between his fingers, before leaving just the thumb to flick over it, back and forth, slowly, while the fingers in Josh's hair tugged a desire for his lips to turn their attention back to Matt's own.
22nd Sep 2009, 8:38 PM
He’d never had a one night stand. He’d never been with a girl who he hadn’t known for a while before, if not dated her for a while at least, he’d never pursued a girl with the sole intention of scoring with her and he’d never pressed anyone for sex. Of course, like every other teenager, infused by raging hormones and a conundrum of feelings, he did have a lustful side to him, he did catch himself checking out women’s curves and with Matt… he had to keep himself from looking at Matt when they weren’t alone, he had to stop himself from tracing the way his body moved, from imagining how his soft lips tasted. And here and now, with that body pressing up against Josh’s, those lips locked onto his own, he wanted more, he wanted Matt to give in to the moment.
Except he didn’t, he withdrew and for a second, Josh almost froze in a sudden panic whether he’d ruined the moment, the one they were finally at after so long, after so many times of hesitation, alarm and denial and it was an irony that he didn’t want to be responsible for. Except Matt didn’t pull away, he just… didn’t go further.
Now Josh was a generous lover, he was explorative in bed because to him, sex wasn’t just about the physical pleasure, it was about the other person as much as it was about him, it was about trust and consummation of intimacy. And yeah, it made him sound like something out of a chick-flick, but he couldn’t help but feel that way. He wasn’t naïve, because he was well aware of the fact that high school relationships don’t last, that people grow up and apart, but that didn’t make the girl he was with any less special, right then and there, and he wanted to appreciate her for it and he had few inhibitions in bed. He knew well that others did have inhibitions, and therefore when they got to that, the pang of rejection lingered for a moment, but the favours he did weren’t conditional on reciprocity. He really wanted his partner to feel the purest bliss when with him.
With Matt, it was nothing less, and it was so much more. He wanted Matt to enjoy their relationship as much as Josh did, because despite the fights and the renunciations, there was something there that was real between them, and he had to feel it, if not know it, for him to keep coming back, again and again, regardless of how “dangerous” it was to him. He wanted Matt to give in and feel it for what it was because until the first time they made it a point to have their secret rendezvous, Josh was caught in limbo, he hadn’t been sure whether to give in, or to refute all of it and go back to pretending that that kiss at the party had never happened. But they made it a point to meet secretly, and make out and… it became easier to take it as something genuine, valid, and the moment he accepted it, it truly became addictive, Matt became a partner, not just a risky secret.
It became something to be proud of, something that was being degraded by the way Matt insisted on sneaking around about, and he wanted Matt to see it for what it was. To be that contented about it without a guilt conscience.
So, when Matt refused to go further, the rebuffal did sting, as to the ego of any young man, but with his mind lost somewhere between the soft moans that spilled into Matt’s mouth at the electric sensation in his nipple and the softness of Matt’s caress, it somehow sank in that this was more difficult for Matt than it was for Josh, that Josh was the one who’d been pushing for this while Matt danced around with trepidation and denial and coming this far without the usual accusations and anxiety was in itself an achievement. So, while he pulled away from Matt’s engrossing kiss for a moment to gaze into the look in his dark eyes, hot and heavy breath spilling out onto the other boy’s smooth flesh, his hands didn’t stop. His fingers smoothly undid Matt’s belt, then sliding the zipper down to release the growing pressure, his tongue smoothly caressing Matt’s earlobe, moving downwards, mouth closing over his nipple, sucking as his hand freed the sizeable bulge, fingers closing around the hardness, his head moving far enough below for his tongue to run a tantalising caress over the tip before heading back to lock onto Matt’s neck, leaving his hand to work over Matt’s member in inciting waves of pleasure through him.
(((OOC: A) Many apologies for the delay, and B) I tried to play PG 13….
Hope this works?)))
28th Sep 2009, 5:29 AM
(Fade to black.)
28th Sep 2009, 5:40 AM
(((ooc: For our non-participating readers, the following is a chat transcript from Wednesday night (the day we're skipping over in the main 'Sweet Sixteen' thread, and the day that Matt also failed to show up for school. Josh has by this time placed a few unanswered calls to Matt's cell phone.)))
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.01:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.03:
Hey, you okay?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.06:
I talked to Marie
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.06:
It's gonna be okay
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.10:
I'm worried about you
sIdol is Away and may not reply.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.15:
At least let me know you're alright
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.24:
You wanna meet up and talk about it? Maybe we can ... I don't know, work something out.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.24:
Or try. I don't know.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.45:
You're really starting to worry me, man.
Just say something, or call, or whatever. Just let me know you're okay, yeah?
"sIdol" says @ 18.48:
I'm just dandy.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.48:
Jesus Christ, where have you been?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.48:
Sorry, you just had me spooked.
It's gonna be okay
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.49:
You wanna meet up to talk about it?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.52:
You still there?
"sIdol" says @ 18.54:
Talk about what?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.55:
Anything you wanna talk about
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.55:
Or you know, just to meet up
"sIdol" says @ 18.59
Thought you needed 'time'.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 18.59:
Figured I'd rather spend that time with you
"sIdol" says @ 19.01:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.01:
So... can I? Do you want to?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.02:
I mean, we don't have to do anything. Unless you want to.
We could just hang out, if you want
"sIdol" says @ 19.04:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.04:
"sIdol" says @ 19.06:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.08:
8 PM today, corner from Brookveiw Cafe on Dorrington Street?
"sIdol" says @ 19.09:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.10:
Right. Okay, tomorrow at the usual place, lunch?
"sIdol" says @ 19.11:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.11:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.12:
You're not okay.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.12:
But it's okay, we'll fix it.
"sIdol" says @ 19.15:
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.16:
I'm not saying there's an easy solution, but there's got to be some solution for all of us.
"sIdol" says @ 19.21:
Mm. It's called a .38.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.21:
C'mon. Dude, it's really not that bad. Just sleep on it and we'll figure it out tomorrow, yeah?
"sIdol" says @ 19.21:
NOT THAT BAD???
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.21:
It's not worth using a gun over. Did you have a chance to talk about options with Marie, or...?
"sIdol" says @ 19.22:
Yeah. Why else do you think I'd need a gun?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.22:
You don't need a gun. We're gonna sort this out without a gun, okay?
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.23:
Look, maybe you both need some time to think over it, yeah? I mean, you just found out and you've got to be freaking out
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.23:
Just give yourself some time and then you can discuss it over with her. I'm sure she'd have calmed down a bit too
"sIdol" says @ 19.23:
I wasn't serious about the gun.
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.24:
I'm glad to hear.
Matt, I'm sure Marie doesn't want things to be difficult for her either. Just give it some time, she's not entirely unreasonable
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.30:
Well, I'm hoping, anyway.
I'll talk to her, see what I can do
"Do as he does, not as he" says @ 19.40:
I gotta go. We're on for tomorrow, yeah?
"sIdol" says @ 19.42:
Right. Get me a pic of the flying pig while you're at it.
"sIdol" says @ 19.42:
"sIdol" had signed off
22nd Nov 2009, 11:27 PM
(((ooc: Okay, this puts us a bit ahead of time, since what happens here takes place on Thursday night, while we're still only on Thursday morning in 'Sweet Sixteen', but... whatever. :P
Also: Warning, massive melodrama ahead. )))
How does one cope, when one's entire, carefully crafted but oh-so-fragile world is coming apart, threatening to crumble and disintegrate into nothing more than a pile of dust at one's feet? How does one cope when there are people tugging teasingly at the rug underneath your feet, alerting you that they are only moments away from pulling it out completely, and that there is nothing, not a single thing that you can do to stop them?
Thursday night, and these were the thoughts churning in Matt Sidle's young mind, slowly but surely nudging him ever closer to the edge of his sanity. Seated on his bed, with his fingers shoved into his tousled hair and with his dark eyes squeezed shut in what felt the hundredth attempt to block out everything that had him troubled, he was trying so hard to still escape it all. He had managed at first, when as he'd stepped through the front door earlier in the afternoon, his parents had been on their way out in order to attend some social event or whatever it was, hours away, where they would be staying over night. A good thing it was, because with his parents out of the house, he wouldn't be forced to keep up the charade of a son whose life was as easy and enjoyable as could be; his mother had needed no more than to take just one look at him to realize he was troubled, but he had managed to keep it together just long enough to assure her that he was just tired after a busy week, and that he would be fine on his own. That he'd grab something out of the refrigerator to eat, have his usual run, and then go to bed.
But he hadn't grabbed something to eat, and he hadn't gone for his usual run. With his parents gone, what Matt had done was to head straight for the medicine cabinet in the upstairs bathroom, and taken another one of his mother's beloved sleeping pills, knowing that there was nothing else that would keep the darkness of his thoughts from overwhelming him and drive him to do... who knows what? At least if he slept, he wouldn't have to deal with it. Though what he would do when he woke up, and discovered that the problems had gone absolutely nowhere, and instead were still waiting for him to loose himself in them, he didn't know. Nor did he care, because at that point, all he wanted was to escape, if only for a little while. Although truth be told... As he'd stood there, with the bottle of pills in one hand, and a single pill in the other, for a split second, the solution had seemed obvious to him. Why take just one pill, and sleep for a few measly hours, when instead he could take all of them and just sleep, period? The thought had only danced through his head for the briefest of moments, but for that one briefest of moments, he had been on the verge of doing it. Of really doing it.
He was just tired. So very, very tired. Everything was coming apart. Everything. Perhaps deep down he'd always known that it would, but as was the case with everything else he didn't like to think about, he'd dismissed it with the help of a thousand excuses, and buried it so deep that he himself would have been unable to find it even if he'd tried. Just so that he wouldn't have to acknowledge it, and it would go away.
Well, as it had turned out, it didn't go away. It had grown, it had spread, and it had slipped completely out of his control. The one thing it hadn't done, was go away.
He never did end up taking all those pills, however. Be it because of courage or cowardice, in the end he only took the one pill he had first intended to, and within the next hour had drifted off to sleep on his king-sized bed. To blissful unconsciousness, with no dreams, and no panic attack nipping at his heels. When finally he'd woken up several hours later, it was dark outside, and with no light on inside, so was his room. He'd laid there in the darkness, unmoving and numb at first, staring out the window, yet without seeing a single thing. It had been as though he had been awake, but his mind on pause. Though it didn't last long. Bit by bit, awful reality had imposed itself on his awareness once more, forced itself on him against his will, and it hadn't been long before he was back in the downward spiral of anxiety, fear and self-loathing all over again. He just couldn't seem to get out. The disaster that was currently his life was looming over him, like a dark, stormy night sky filled with ominous clouds, descending slowly, and it was only a matter of time before it would engulf him. Crush him. The very walls and ceiling felt like they were closing in on him, and he couldn't breathe. The air was cruelly stolen from his lungs, and if he stayed where he was, he would suffocate.
He had to get away.
His upper body had jerked upright to the sound of a gasp, almost as though he'd been about to drown and was fighting for air, and his legs had swung over the edge in preparation of taking off. Of fleeing. But the thing was, he realized in that second, that he really had nowhere to go. No one to go to. Wherever he went on his own, his troubles would still follow every step of the way, and there was no one he could go to that would help chase them away. People that would force him to chase them away, sure, they existed in abundance; the people who thought he was everything he had lead them to believe, and had no clue that his life was anything less than perfect. The people he had to keep up the act with. But no one, not a single soul that would offer comfort. Josh was the closest thing to it, but he was part of the very problem, and so Matt just couldn't risk going to him. Besides, Josh had been pushing for the two of them to not hide anymore, and so for all Matt knew, he would use Matt's current state as yet another reason to just step out of the shadows and get it all over with. And that really wouldn't help.
Consequently, he had remained sitting on the edge of the bed, only getting up to pace anxiously back and forth in his room whenever the inner turmoil grew to the point where he had to do something, anything, just to stop it from overwhelming him. Now, he was seated once again, his fingers digging into the crumpled bedspread beneath him as he tried to fend off yet another wave of guilt-ridden panic. But after having spent the last hour and a half doing so, he was now at a point where he felt that the dam was about to burst. He was out of tricks to occupy his mind, and we wouldn't be able to hold it all back for much longer. The walls still seemed to be closing in on him, he still felt as though he would suffocate any minute, and his chest was aching from his fighting to keep his breathing under control.
Then there it was... The moment where it all became too much for him. With his muscles having tensed up more and more with each passing minute, he suddenly shot up from the bed and lunged at the door, finally at a loss for anything else to do than to simply try and just run. Out into the hallway he fled, down the stairs and out the door, miraculously managing to grab his coat in the process, although it was probably more because of pure reflex than anything else, since he was barely even aware of the cold that slammed against his frame as he set foot on porch stairs, while the front door fell shut behind him. But not that even that registered in his mind. At that point, there was one thing on his mind, and one thing only; he had to get away. He didn't know where he was going, it no longer mattered that he didn't have anywhere or anyone to go to, he just needed to get away. Out, away, to be anywhere but here.
Swift and safe from the company of others, his car became his refuge, the engine welcoming him with a predatory roar as he threw himself in behind the wheel and took off, nearly burning rubber on the driveway and breaking the speed limit for the first couple of blocks, as though the Devil himself was hot on his heels. Only once the brick buildings of town shrunk to tiny dots in the rear-view mirror, and then disappeared completely, did he begin to slow down a bit, relieved to not have to really see anything that reminded him of the existence of other people anymore.
And it was with that thought that it occurred to him; what he needed was complete and utter solitude, somewhere that would let him just be by himself, with no part to play, no act to uphold, with no connection to anyone whatsoever. A place where everything just... was. Including him.
He knew of such a place. He had been there many times before when he'd felt he'd needed a break from it all, when everyone's expectations had weighed too heavily on his shoulders. It was a place, a cove on a hillside, much like the one he and Josh had visited the other night, only this one didn't overlook town, but instead the only view offered was that of nature. Of thousands and thousands of trees, another hill in the distance, and wedged in somewhere in between the two, a small lake. It was a place he had found once when he'd been out running, choosing what paths to take at random, and it had since become part of his standard route. Sometimes he would even stop there for a little while, to think and to be by himself, and he had never told anyone about it. Though while it was indeed desolate, it wasn't a place where no one else would ever set foot, because there was a small dirt road that lead up to it, and there was even a wooden bench placed there, for those who wished to sit down and drink in the scenery.
Of course, right now, there wasn't much scenery to drink in, as sundown had long passed, and darkness had descended, leaving it all an untangible blur of various black and dark blue shades, but that mattered little to Matt in his current state. He just wanted a place to be alone.
However, while it had all seemed like a good idea at first, again it wasn't long before the same old thoughts that had been haunting him the past two days, and worsening over time as well, crept up on him once more. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried, no matter the myriad of methods he attempted, there was no escaping them. They kept worming their way back into his mind, sending that cold hand of steel to wrap itself around his chest until he couldn't breathe, when reminding him of how both Natalie and Esteban whatshisname now had the power to crush him, and that it was not a matter of if either of them would do it, but when. Even if Matt kept giving in to their demands, eventually one of them would get bored, and let something slip. He knew how this game worked. Sooner or later, the blackmailer would get bored, and the victim - in this case Matt - would be ruined. Everything he had worked so hard to build and to maintain would be going down the drain, and... Oh God... Why couldn't it all just go away?! Natalie, and Esteban, and Marie-Elisabeth and that bastard kid she was insisting on keeping; why couldn't they all just go away?! He didn't care how, just that they did! Whether they were hit by a bus, struck by lightening or just dropped off the face of the planet was irrelevant, just as long as they got the hell out of his life!
It was as he sat there, fingers squeezing the wheel so hard they were turning white while he cursed the existence of several of his classmates, that he suddenly remembered something, and within seconds had reached for the glove compartment, where half a bottle of spiced rum remained since some party he'd been to last month. Probably one of his last ones, if word about him and Josh got out, he thought bitterly to himself as he unscrewed the cork, and with only a moment's hesitation brought the bottle to his lips. Screw it. Just screw it. If he wasn't able to block out the thoughts that were driving him insane, then maybe he could at least dilute them, and take the edge off of them.
Unfortunately, as is a well known fact, alcohol never really does tend to make bad things any better, and Matt's case wasn't about to become the exception that proved the rule. The gulps of liquid amber flowing down his throat changed nothing, except his sobriety. It didn't put an end to his obsessing, and it didn't drain his thoughts of their poison, nor did it cut down on their number. It only made them somewhat more blurred, and their path more crooked. And the more he thought, the more he drank, and the more he drank, the more he thought, until as a last resort, as a last desperate attempt to make someone do something to make it all stop, he pulled out his cell phone from his pocket and, amazingly, despite his fumbling, managed to find Josh's cell phone number, and press "Call". Then, as one singnal after another started sounding in his ear, he slumped forward, closed his eyes, and rested his head against the hand still gripping the top part of the steering wheel, too tired and mentally exhausted to even sit up straight anymore.
"Josh, I can't do this", he slurred when a click followed by Josh's softly rumbling voice at the other end announced that the call had been answered. "I can't do this. I can't do this..."
It seemed to be the only thing he could say. And he kept saying it, over and over, but for every time he said it, it sounded different, as though he wasn't talking about just one thing, but several. None of which he could do.
24th Nov 2009, 5:31 PM
What should he do? You know this, this was the perfect opportunity to get everything he wanted and he should go for it, right? He should feel perfectly at ease making the right moves to get to where he wanted to be. Josh wasn’t manipulative, but given who his friends were, he was hardly clueless to how it worked. Is it okay to want something badly enough for scruples to not matter?
Selfish, yes, but unwittingly the first thing he felt when Matt had confessed that that girl, Natalie, knew and when Esteban walked in on them was relief. Shock, yes, but undeniably relief that finally, it was out of his hands, that it didn’t have to be him pushing and pushing to admit something that – to him – was never going to remain a secret anyway. That it was finally going to happen. Because one of those two will let the cat out of the bag. And in a way, he didn’t have to play the bad guy anymore. And now, it got to him that he hadn’t thought about Matt at all during those moments, that he’d been completely and utterly self-serving.
And that that still didn’t change.
Josh wanted out of these confines. He wanted to stop living someone else’s life, someone else’s dream, fulfilling someone else’s expectations because he was just sick of it. It wasn’t that it was a lie that he was attracted to those girls he’d dated before, to Marie, because he was, but it was unfair to ask him to not acknowledge another side of himself, to suppress it because they thought it was wrong. It wasn’t wrong. And it felt like if he could do this, if he could admit this to everyone, his father, and stick to what he believed in, that he’d be free, and he wouldn’t have to continue to lie and cheat, and keep looking at his own dreams from afar anymore. Is it too much to ask for something as simple as that?
So, no, he shouldn’t feel bad about reacting the way he did, right?
In principle, he figured not, but in practice… watching Matt practically fall apart had only made him feel worse for the release he’d felt. Because it wasn’t about truth, or choice for Matt, it was about a guilty pleasure, it was something he’d never intended to let out, it was something he – once they were out of Brooklake – he’d have buried away and maybe 10 years later, they’d meet and maybe by then, it really wouldn’t mean anything to him. Maybe it meant something to him now, but he’d forget, and he’d surround himself with girls who’d feed his fantasy again and maybe someday he might actually have the courage to open up and admit it, but it’d be over for him and Josh. And it made him realise truly that he wanted this to be out because he wanted to be who he was, but also because he didn’t want to lose Matt. Of course it wasn’t going to last forever, but he didn’t want it to end because they were too scared or weren’t allowed to keep it going until it came it it’s own end.
Except now… it might just be the case that it’d come to an end anyway. Too much too soon.
It’d all plagued him through the day, slowly mounting up in momentum until the moment his tired body hit the bed, and yet sleep stayed away. He couldn’t stop thinking about any of it, whether deep down, he was just using Matt in some subconscious plan to ultimately get what he wanted. He did care, he knew he cared about Matt, but it was just so hard, frustrating to look at the possibility of dancing to everyone else’s tunes – well, Esteban and Natalie’s – even more when he knew he was totally fine with the only solution available, the one he’d been staring at all along, the one he’d been trying to get Matt to see; just come out and tell everyone. It wasn’t like it was their life to live, anyway.
But to no avail.
His cellphone suddenly threw it’s pale blue light into the room, scrawling suddenly against the night table, making him groan and press against his eyes in slight frustration; he didn’t really want to speak to anyone and Jesus Christ, it was midnight, he didn’t want to have to listen to anyone scoring. It was some ridiculous joke amongst the guys in the team. It kept ringing and at the end, he figured it might just be better if he turned the cellphone off, his toned body rolling over to scoot to the other side of the big bed to get ahold of his phone, his eyes catching the name a split second before his thumb hit the Reject button.
Matt. At this time of night.
What the hell?
A sudden chill crept up his spine. He wasn’t going to finish things, was he…?
“Matt?” he answered immediately, not really knowing what else to say, but… he didn’t have to say anything.
"Josh, I can't do this,” the familiar voice came over the line, out of it and garbled and with nothing else to say, but the same four words over and over again. At first, his heart sank because… it was a finisher, wasn’t it? And yet his brows furrowed in realisation.
This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good. He was drunk and… not wanting to do “this” anymore, and Josh wasn’t going to figure Matt would get drunk because he was breaking up something that was never outwardly real to him anyway. This was all of it and… Jesus, not wanting to do it anymore didn’t sound good, knowing Matt’s theatrical flair. Worry and concern took the place of everything else that’d been there before and for a split second, he didn’t know what to say or do, just in case it was the wrong thing.
He pulled himself together.
“Okay, we’ll fix this, I promise,” he assured first before carrying on, and it sounded empty, even to him. “Where are you? Are you… with anyone or…? How much have you drunk? Have you…,” he didn’t want to ask it. “…Have you had anything else?”
The barrage of questions cut through Matt’s ramblings and thank God, there were answers. Josh knew how to get to where the other boy was, he knew he wasn’t with anyone, but that was about to change, and the rest of it… good and bad.
He didn’t waste much time after that, save for making Matt promise he’d stay put exactly where he was until Josh got there. He threw on a t-shirt, a v-neck jumper and jeans, and slipped into his shoes, grabbing his cellphone and car keys, only to halt at the door; if he tried to sneak out the front door now, he’d have to answer to a hell of a lot of questions that he didn’t have time for.
He took the window. Hadn’t done that in a couple of years. It took his quick run less than a minute to get to his car, and get on the drive to where Matt was, the strobes of light pouring from the streetlamp seeming to reflect his thoughts of hoping for the best and expecting the worst.
He had to fix this.
It took longer than he’d thought, it took longer than he’d expected to get to the hillside overlooking Irwayne Woods, but it didn’t help that he got there to see the lone car looking stranded, to clasp his eyes onto the still form that sat hunched inside it. He didn’t know completely how bad things were, but he was hoping that Matt hadn’t done anything incredibly stupid. Driving out to the middle of nowhere, getting stupidly drunk… had be been planning on getting back at all, had he even thought that far?
Jesus Christ, if he’d done anything –
He halted the car abruptly, opening the door and swiftly stepping out into the cold night to have it bite at him with ferocity and bring home the fact that he hadn’t brought a coat. Nevertheless, he jogged over to the other car, opening the door to the passenger side and slipping inside quickly to shut the door, his arm reaching out to grab Matt’s shoulder, then to feel the skin on his neck to make sure he was warm enough, to make sure his bright idea of getting drunk outside hadn’t given him hypothermia or anything. The urgency faded for a moment as his hand softly ventured up Matt’s silky tresses, his eyes drenched with concern as they surveyed Matt’s dejected posture, such a stark contrast to how he’d strived so hard to be.
“What are you doing?” he sighed as his fingers curled around a few of those locks. “What do you think you’re doing to yourself?”
6th Dec 2009, 3:10 AM
In Brooklake High, Matt, beside being known as a hreatbreaker and one of the most popular guys in school, was also known as a regular party animal. He would always attend the parties thrown by those belonging to the in-crowd, and sometimes even give the seal of approval to those sitting on the fence, by making an appearance at theirs. It had become a bit of a status thing, as far as parties went; if Matt Sidle bothered to show up at yours, you were obviously a somebody, and your parties were worth going to. You counted for something.
However, regular party animal or not, it was a title he had earned despite very rarely actually getting drunk. Yes, he would drink a beer or two, but he would very rarely get beyond the point of being just ever so slightly tipsy. You would never find him laying passed out in a couch somewhere, you would never see him stumble about or having to make an effort to keep himself on an even keel. You would never hear him slur when speaking, never have to wait for the penny to sink through the layers of alcohol and finally drop, and you would never see him get so very emotional, like many tend to get when intoxicated. Which brings us to the heart of the matter, to the key to WHY he would never get drunk:
With intoxication came a reduced level of self control, where people tended to say things they otherwise wouldn't have dreamed of saying, and do things they would later end up regretting. And with so many secrets to keep, with so many parts of his real persona to keep hidden from everyone else, Matt just couldn't afford to put himself in such a situation. The last two times that he had, had ended up being disastrous, each in their own right. There had been the time that he had hooked up with Dylan and had a one-night stand with her, resulting in Mark now wanting to beat him black and blue. And before that, there had been the talk with Josh, when he'd found Matt sitting by himself outside whatever house the party had been at, and wanted to see if he was alright. Having had a little too much to drink back then, Matt had eventually ended up confiding in Josh, and Josh in Matt, and it had all lead up to what was now threatening to make Matt's entire world crumble to dust around him.
And oh yeah, Josh... Why had he called him? Why? What had he been thinking? Stupid, stupid! What the hell was wrong with him?! Josh was part of the goddamned problem, for crying out loud! It was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place! And, knowing how Josh had pushed and pushed lately for Matt to give in so that the two of them could come clean to the whole friggin' world about what they were doing, he was probably overjoyed about all this, wasn't he? He would know just as well as Matt did that with both Natalie and Esteban knowing, their dirty little secret wouldn't stay a secret for very long. Heck, knowing those two, it might already be all over town! And even if it wasn't, he could just imagine that Josh would use it all to strengthen his stance, and push even more to get his way.
"Dammit!", Matt muttered to himself where he sat, still with his eyes closed, and his head resting against the hand on the steering wheel; the same way he'd been sitting since Josh had hung up God knows how long ago, to come get him.
His own phone on the other hand, Matt had dropped as he'd been trying to snap it shut. It had slipped between his fingers, and was now... somewhere in the car, he had no clue where. Nor did he care. It wasn't like anyone was going to try calling him at this hour anyway, and he sure as h*ll wasn't going to call anyone. There was no one to call. The only person he could talk to about any of this, he'd already called. And a fat lot of good that had done him...
The arm that since dropping the cell phone had hung limply along his left side, bent slightly as his hand started searching for key in the ignition. He didn't want to be here anymore. Josh had made him promise to stay exactly where he was until he got there, but... screw that. He didn't want to be here anymore, and he didn't want to talk to Josh anymore either. He just wanted to go home, and sleep, and be alone and... and where the hell was the damned thing?! His fingers kept fumbling underneath the steering wheel, but all he found was a whole lot of nothing.
"Dammit!", he groaned again, but was too tired to lift his head to look at what he was doing (as though it would have made a difference, what with the darkness in the car, and his blurry vision), and so instead just let his arm drop to his side again.
How much time then passed before the sound of wheels digging into the dirt outside alerted him that another car had come to an abrupt halt nearby, he didn't know. He must have dozed off or something, because he couldn't remember hearing the other vehicle approach, just the actual stop. Opening his eyes, and peering out the side window, he saw a shadow slip past... well, the other shadows. In front of the car, around to the other side. Then the passenger door opened, and closed again within seconds, pushing a gust of cold air to wrap briefly around Matt's slumped frame, as he finally managed to lift his head and turn his tired eyes to look at Josh. Or rather, the blurry figure in Josh's place.
"What are you doing?", came the other boy's voice in a dejected sigh, as his fingers slid from Matt's shoulder, to his neck, and then into his hair. "What do you think you're doing to yourself?"
But while usually, the sensation of Josh's fingers running through his hair would send a small electrical jolt to tickle along Matt's spine, right now he was so very far from being susceptible to it, and so instead of enjoying it pulled away, with such vehement rejection that he ended up banging his head against the side window, turning his protesting "Don't" into what sounded more like "Don't ow". Then, after a brief session of muttering sulkingly to himself and rubbing the slightly throbbing side of his head, he shot Josh a glare.
"And what do you care anyway?", he grumbled accusingly, his speech still slurred by the amounts of alcohol in his system. "You're just jumping with joy over this, aren't you?"
8th Dec 2009, 7:08 PM
"And what do you care anyway?"
Watching Matt delve around drunkenly, jerking out of his grasp, managing to hit his head in some dopey-adorable way of a cocker spaniel, and feeling the adrenaline rush break down at finding Matt… well alive, for starters, given that “well” was yet to be seen, it took Josh a couple of second to properly register the words. The loose accusation hit him hard simply because it was so unexpected. There he was, in the middle of the night, barely dressed for the weather, having snuck out of his house through the bloody window like some criminal, driven across town like a bat out of hell, whilst still half asleep, worried out of his mind to find Matt like this, which was clearly a situation he needed to sort out before all of this got out of hand and being accused of not caring?!
"You're just jumping with joy over this, aren't you?"
What?! What? What the f*ck was there to be happy about? What, the fact that this stupid stunt could have ended up with Matt dead if he decided to drive back home? That drinking himself stupid turned out not to be the solution after all? That – Jesus Christ, how much had he drunk anyway? He sounded like he might just keel over if Josh tried to make him walk anywhere.
What was he supposed to be happy about?
His narrowed, annoyed, hurt eyes pulled away from Matt’s form as he sank back into the passenger’s seat for a moment, eyes closing as his features relaxed, letting out a deep breath and the situation sunk in better; it was okay, nothing actually happened. Matt was still okay and… not dead or something. What the f*ck was he thinking?
The second part of Matt’s accusation sank in and the anger and agitation was soon usurped by pangs of guilt. He knew how it looked. He’d been wanting people to find out all along, he’d been wanting to come out and admit it in defiance and Matt had always shied away, he’d been terrified of it in fact, and here was Josh, getting his way. And he had been happy about it, there was no denying that.
It made him feel guilty, measly in a way, when Matt suffered because of the very thing he was happy about.
Josh knew that Natalie and Esteban would talk sooner or later; they had Matt in their vice grip and it’d been the chance they’d booth been waiting so long for. They weren’t going to play nice and sooner or later, this house of cards that he and Matt had built was going to come tumbling down on both of them, publicly. The worst part was knowing that Josh would be the one to handle it better, hat he’d been waiting for it, anticipating it all along, and the further Matt ran from it, the closer Josh had inadvertently brought him to it. Knowing that Matt just wouldn’t be able to handle it. If there wasn’t proof for it before, here it was now.
He really didn’t know what to do, or to say, except for the fact that pitching the idea of taking the influence out of Natalie and Esteban’s hands by coming clean themselves – partly because that’s what Josh wanted all along and partly because the sooner they did this, the less they’d have to dance to any tunes that either of those two played – was going to be a bad, destructive idea.
It wasn’t what Matt wanted t hear right now. He’d called Josh, of all people, probably because he was the only other person who knew about this, but also possibly because Matt had on some level wanted support, reassurance, someone to stand by him in his corner of the boxing ring Natalie and Esteban had set up. Taking that sliver of a hope away would push Matt over the edge, and that was most definitely what Josh was looking not to do.
So, he canned his own thoughts and desires over it for a moment, and despite the fact that he may well be dodging the question or lying by omission in some way, he really did speak from the heart.
“You’re more important to me than that,” he affirmed surely, yet softly before turning his calmed eyes back over to Matt. “Alright? Look, I don’t know how,” he confessed wearily, his hand reaching over to affectionately cup the back of Matt’s neck as if it made it clearer to him that he was there, and on his side. “But we’re gonna sort this mess out. No-one’s going to find out until you’re ready.”
With that, he withdrew, rubbing the last shards of tiredness from his eyes with a sigh before getting down to matters.
“We need to get you sorted out first,” he declared decisively, yet with concern colouring his pale eyes as they surveyed Matt’s form properly. “How much have you had? Do your parents know where you are?”
19th Dec 2009, 7:56 PM
In a manner of speaking, Josh Brennan, despite whatever worries might have been raging through his mind as he'd been driving towards Irwayne Woods, probably ought to consider himself rather lucky for finding Matt in the state he was currently in; drunk and distraught. Had he been sober and just a tad bit composed, had he been thinking clearly, he would have immediately caught on to the brief silence - which in itself was answer enough to his question - and the shifting of expressions on Josh's face as he was subjected to Matt's accusation. The initial disbelieving annoyance flitting across his features, and how it was soon wiped away as guilt flooded them instead, when it dawned on him that Matt apparently knew him well enough to know what he must have been thinking about everything that had happened over the past couple of days; first Natalie somehow finding out about the two of them, and then Esteban as well, and all of it finally setting into motion what Josh himself had been trying hard to achieve with Matt.
Had Matt been sober enough to register that acknowledgement spilling over Josh's face, odds were he would've torn into him for real, about how selfish he was being, and didn't he realize what it would do to Matt, to the both of them, to be exposed to the entire school? It would have been pretty much the same harangue as he would usually offer whenever Josh brought up the subject, only this time with antagonism and bitterness added to the mix, since it had now been made clear just on how opposite sides they both stood on the matter. Matt might have even turned against Josh once and for all, and called him a traitor, for being happy when Matt teetered on the edge of disaster.
But, as it was, Matt was far too consumed by his drunken vortex of thoughts, to pay much attention to Josh's reaction. Make no mistake, he had still meant every word, it wasn't just some random accusation made as a result of his intoxication, but rather a keen one based on his perception and on how well he knew Josh. It was just that with his head swimming with thoughts that he was having a hard time grasping, not to mention alcohol, it all ended up as a brief lashing out instead, before his mind took his obscure train of thought down a slightly different route. A route that to him was far more frequently travelled; the one leading to himself.
Though just as he started lamenting his own fate all over again, muttering another few bitter but inaudible words to himself, Josh reached into that deep dark pit of anguish and self-pity, and pulled him right back out. Or, at least he tried to.
"You're more important to me than that", he said, with a soft kind of firmness in his voice, that cut right through Matt's mumblings, and would have drawn his glassy gaze back to Josh's form, even if the warmth of the gentle hand clasping his neck and driving home the fact that he truly cared, hadn't. "Alright?"
And while only seconds earlier, Matt had protested and pulled away from Josh's touch, this time he didn't. He simply sat there, looking at the other boy and trying to absorb the reassurance in his eyes, because he so desperately needed it. He was at a point where he couldn't take any more adversity, especially not in his current state. He just wasn't strong enough to cope. Not alone. As was pretty much proven by the current circumstances, of calling Josh in the middle of the night, despite him being the one who had pushed for disclosure.
"Look", he said, as Matt just kept looking at him, as though he was hoping that whatever Josh had to say, it would be something that would miraculously make it all go away, "I don't know how, but we're gonna sort this mess out. No-one's going to find out until you're ready."
A miracle solution it was not. In fact, it was bullsh*t. Pure and utter bullsh*t. Inebriated or not, Matt wasn't quite out of it enough not to realize that. He would never be "ready" to have this whole thing made public, and "never" was not when Natalie and Esteban intended to tell everyone. And there was nothing Matt nor Josh could do to stop them. At least nothing that didn't involve drastic measures, and... Matt might be jerk, but he just didn't have it in him to go quite that far.
So yeah, what Josh was saying about no one finding out until Matt was ready, was bullsh*t.
But even so, it still did make the anxiety-ridden teen feel a little better, because... Bullsh*t or not, it proved that Josh really did care, and that he at least wanted to make everything alright. Despite not being able to, and despite the fact that Matt wasn't usually one to acknowledge good intentions as being worth something, if the end result still wasn't satisfactory, in this case it did make him feel a little better. Call it a moment of clarity, drunken sentimentality, or just a simple need to believe and be comforted, but it did.
"We need to get you sorted out first", Josh continued in a voice now stained with pragmatism, and having withdrawn his touch, but with his eyes back to linger on Matt. "How much have you had? Do your parents know where you are?"
Two questions that had an embittered snort sounding in the small space of the car, acting much like a prelude for what was to come;
"I don't know where they are", Matt said, "how would they know where I am?"
Having said that, he reached down to the car floor by his feet, while briefly a look of concentration seized his features as his hand roamed in search of the bottle he'd dropped there. At first he found only his jeans and boots - repeatedly - but then suddenly his skin grazed against something cool and hard, and his fingers closed around the neck of the bottle. After some fumbling to get it out from under there, he could then hand the now empty vessel over to Josh - or more like limply half drop, half shove it onto his lap - as though it was supposed to somehow inform him of how much had been left in it when Matt had started his drinking binge earlier this evening.
20th Dec 2009, 1:28 AM
The more he thought about it, the stupider it seemed to Josh to have made that promise. He meant every word of it as much as he could, in that he would strive to find a solution to the situation that suited Matt best – despite the fact that Josh knew well of a solution to the problem that’d fix everything, including his own problems, which had never really been anything close to seeing a reprieve – but he had to be realistic in admitting, at least to himself, that ideal solution just wasn’t feasible. Esteban and Natalie had a lot against Matt, and their behaviour was already proving to be nothing short of vindictive. So yeah, the ideal solution wasn’t within reach, and most people, there’d have to be some sort of compromise to fix this mess.
But that was pragmatism and that was really not what Matt needed right now. So, Josh didn’t bring it in.
Right now, the main priority was fixing the mess at hand, and that was the one involving Matt drunk and sitting in his car in the middle of nowhere. Josh was glad he’d been the one who he’d chosen to call – albeit, he’d have much rather not have this situation happen at all – because had it been someone else… would they have come over? What would have Matt told them? How much of a problem will that turn into? And so, yeah, it was a bit of a concern how much Matt’s parents knew, because him out like this on a school night probably didn’t go down well, and Josh was hoping there hadn’t been any blazing row to add to this, and that they could sneak Matt back into the Sidle residence and no-one would be any the wiser. The last thing he needed was another problem.
"I don't know where they are,” he snorted off as if it was a ridiculous question. "How would they know where I am?"
Okay. That was the immediate problem solved… sort of, because they hadn’t been home when he’d left. If he’d gone home. If not, there was a search party out there somewhere. But if Matt had been missing for hours, someone would have called Marie, and Marie would have frantically called him, especially given the circumstances. So, he’d gone home. But that begged the question of how long he’d been sitting out here. And though what Matt said was ideal to the situation, Josh couldn’t help but question the amount of support he’d get at home when all this broke out, because now more than ever, it would. Even if he wanted to, it would. Not that Josh wanted to. He wanted to stall it.
Then he started feeling around the floor of the car and Josh for a split second wondered that the hell he was doing, until the moment he half-shoved an empty bottle into Josh’s lap, the coldness of the glass burning through the jeans to sear his thigh, causing him to shift and grasp the bottle, having no clue what it used to contain, but pretty sure it was somewhere close to full at the start of the night.
The whiff of it told him it was run. Jesus, how much had he had? The last thing Josh wanted to happen right now was alcohol poisoning, but Matt was still alert and talking, so it was logical to assume that the bottle hadn’t been entirely full to begin with. Plus, Matt’s attempted indications lifted the mist of contemplations a little.
Still not good.
Right, now what? Josh was used to drunken team mates and having to get them to somewhere appropriate before things got out of hand, but this, this was different, because… well because there was the question of getting him calmed down before getting him home, and when he was home, there was the task of getting him to bed without his parents finding out, and if they did, they was the task of making sure they didn’t think anything was amiss. More amiss.
“Right, okay…,” he breathed out, putting the bottle away, momentarily scratching his head for a plan, and just going with what seemed best. “I think we should get you to bed. I’ll uh…,” alright wait. Two cars, one driver… “Alright, I’ll drive you home in your car… get a cab back here and… drive home. That okay? Do you know if your parents are gonna be back by then, or…?”
23rd Dec 2009, 7:14 PM
Most of the time, Matt was quite content with being the youngest son of Charles and Isabel Sidle; they were wealthy, attractive, respected, successful, and fairly liberal, as far as teenage dating and curfews went. Especially after having had a practice round of sorts, with Liam, Matt's older brother. All bridges had already been crossed once, all boundaries had been tested, and so they were now a little more relaxed about it all, than they had been the first time around. They knew Matt was dating, and that he was sexually active, and they knew he went to quite a few parties during the weekends and holidays. But, they trusted him to act responsibly, mostly because he had so far. As long as he appeared healthy and wholesome, was popular and doing well on the track team and with his modelling career, and his grades were good, there was really no cause for concern, was there? They had never caught him drunk or under the influence of any drug, he had never gotten in trouble with the police or any other authorities, or even any of his classmates (as far as they knew). He had dozens and dozens of friends, and he always seemed to be quite balanced and stable, never with a smile far away from his handsome face. So, judging by all that, everything was as it should be, no?
And the thing was, it wasn't just his parents who thought everything was just swell with him. Pretty much everyone did. Everyone was buying into the image he portrayed, at least on the surface, and even if they didn't - even if they thought that his constantly collected persona had to be a front to hide behind - they still had nothing to actually support such a theory. As far as everyone knew, Matt's life was just dandy, and he was loving every minute of it.
Consequently, he didn't really have anyone to confide in, and to hold him and offer him comfort when he was feeling down. He never had. He'd put so much effort into portraying the perfect life, and keeping up the facade to everyone, that there now was no one he could afford to let in on the true state of things. His parents were completely clueless, as were all his friends, and while he often got up close and intimate with his girlfriends, to say it was truly personal would be a vast overstatement. They all probably thought they saw a really personal side of him, and to a certain extent they were right. But they never did see his true fears and anxieties, they never saw him crying, or even being sad. Upset, angry and experiencing momentary dips in his mood, yes, those were all there, but never any of the stuff that ran deeper. They never saw him weak, even when he was right in the middle of one of his weaker moment, simply because he couldn't allow them to.
The only exception was, of course, Josh. For while Josh had a tendency to make Matt feel threatened, and get aggressive and sometimes even downright mean in his hard-headed reluctance to accept ever being vulnerable, it was also Josh who (until recently) was the only one to have actually seen Matt vulnerable. That night, when the fateful kiss had happened... It was vulnerability that had lead up to it. It was vulnerability that had Matt freaking out whenever Josh had brought up the subject of coming clean to everyone, or whenever things had gotten a little too steamy between the two of them. It was vulnerability that had driven Matt to his current intoxicated state, and it was vulnerability that'd had him calling Josh in the middle of the night; because he was feeling vulnerable, and so very, very small.
And most of all, alone.
Yet, no matter how much he just wanted someone to hold him - because as weak and pathetic as it was, he had never yearned for it more than he did now - he couldn't bring himself to actually show it, let alone say it. He just couldn't. Matt Sidle just didn't do "needy". Even if he'd wanted to, he wasn't sure he even knew how. So... He didn't. He merely sat there instead, sort-of-yet-not-really listening to Josh deliberate what they should do.
"Right, okay...", Josh said as he exhaled, sounding as though he was trying to think clearly and rationally, and by doing so caused Matt to slump impatiently back against the seat with a shivering sigh, as his head fell back against the headrest, and his eyes closed in an attempt to gather the few fragments that remained of his poise. "I think we should get you to bed. I'll uh... Alright, I'll drive you home in your car... get a cab back here and... drive home. That okay? Do you know if your parents are gonna be back by then, or...?"
"How the f*ck should I know?", Matt muttered - irrationally annoyed with Josh because he wasn't a mind reader, and didn't realize that helping Matt get home wasn't really why Matt had called him in the first place.
Though in the next moment, he went on to pretty much contradict himself, when through the drunken haze in his mind, a faint memory emerged;
"They said they'd be home tomorrow", he said, vaguely recalling his parents' goodbyes earlier in the afternoon. "Or the day after. Or next week. I don't f*ckin' know."
26th Dec 2009, 8:00 PM
He had no idea what to do. He just found Matt in the middle of nowhere, stupidly drunk and on top of that, hostile and uncooperative – though, to be fair, he gave some indication of how much he’d drunk, though nothing too elaborated – and he just didn’t know what to do. He’d tried to offer comfort and got rejected, he’d tried to be reassuring, got shot down, he was trying to be rational, and it was poorly received. First instinct was to get him to talk about why he was… the best word that fit was self-destructing, but it seemed a little overdramatic to actually say, but then he didn’t know how to do that. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how to get the other boy to open up about the topic, without getting his head bitten off. Mostly, he just wanted to get Matt somewhere safe and sensible rather than here, in the middle of nowhere.
It wasn’t a plan that was working out well. It wasn’t even a plan, it was a bunch of ideas strung together in a manner that made sense now, but he was probably missing things that’d turn up once they got going. If they got going, because Josh sensed that there were some unresolved issues here still; Matt didn’t drive up here to get drunk and then called him up so that he could get a ride home without ending up in Brooklake General. Matt probably didn’t even mean to call him up, because once he was here, he just got accused of not giving a damn at all. So, Matt called him out here for some reason, some need and Josh had no idea what it was or how to figure it out.
So all that was left to do was what seemed most rational.
"How the f*ck should I know?" Matt fobbed off the question as if it was the last thing that counted and… well, Josh could understand that because if home was where he thought was best, he wouldn’t have driven up here to get wasted.
What the hell was he missing?
"They said they'd be home tomorrow," he then revealed and Josh backtracked a bit, wondering whether that meant that he was ready to go home now or… no, he figured it wasn’t that, because if he’d wanted that, he’d have just flat out said it, or he’d have stupidly tried to drive home himself.
"Or the day after,” he continued on flippantly. “Or next week. I don't f*ckin' know."
For a second, Josh just stared. Were they ever there? Was anyone ever there? Not in the physical sense of just being home and therefore warding off the social welfare services, but as someone to talk to, an actual home rather than a house to live in with other people. Somewhere to belong to. Josh didn’t have the best of that at home, he wasn’t like some kids, he was like most kids; he couldn’t talk to his parents about most things. And yes… there had been no-one to talk to about facing his own sexuality, but with other things, he’d had friends. Real, genuine friends, like Abby, to whom he could talk to and be a person rather than a persona.
As far as he knew, Matt had never really had that. He’d had puppets and playthings, he’d had an audience. No actual friends. Josh had never really been sure where he stood; a secret, an experiment, a regret… something to be ashamed of, at worst, but maybe something close to a friend too.
So maybe that went a distance in explaining why Matt had no real clue of his real self.
Josh found himself sitting there with a small crease of pain between his brows. He didn’t know what to do still, but it just got to him to envisage the image of Matt just going on with absolutely no-one for him, because he did deserve better.
Home and rational action can wait for a few minutes.
His hand slid along the back of Matt’s shoulders in the reassuring affection of the wordless moment before slipping into those chocolate tresses, bringing Matt to his chest for the both of them to just rest there in the understanding of it.
(((OOC: Hope it works, if not let me know :) )))
29th Dec 2009, 1:54 AM
(((ooc: Damn I'm such a softie! I couldn't read your post once without getting all misty-eyed. *lol*)))
Pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. The wish that someone, anyone, would see what Matt had always fought so hard to make everyone believe wasn't there, the wish that someone would actually fulfil what for a long time had been one of his greatest fears, and just see him for once. Him. Not the persona, or the concept, or the icon. Not one of the most popular kids in school, not the king of Brooklake, not the heartbreaker, not the trend setter, the rich kid, the puppet master, the star on the track team, not the godd*mned winner of godd*mned everything, whether it was titles, awards, girl's hearts, envious stares, or whatever else he spent most of his life acquiring. He just wanted someone to see him. Him. Which, to be perfectly honest, Matt himself actually wasn't quite sure who that was.
He'd spent so much time and effort crafting the persona that everyone saw - and that at times like this, he really hated with a passion - that he wasn't really sure what was hiding underneath that polished surface. Or maybe it was his true self that he hated? The one that just wasn't good enough, the one that wasn't perfect or happy, the one that sometimes just wanted to hurl that damned cell phone that seemed to never stop ringing, halfway across the world, and just be by himself. He was completely alone already anyway, regardless of how many people were around him, so it wasn't like it'd really make a difference, now was it? At least not a difference other than the one that would allow him a chance to not play Prozac patient - Mr frickin' Sunshine - for a while.
Was that the part of himself that he hated? The one that wasn't everything that everyone had always expected him to be, even before he himself was even aware of it? The one that didn't measure up? The one that was scared and insecure, the one with all these feelings that he couldn't handle.
The one who got drunk.
Christ... He really was hammered, wasn't he? Sitting here feeling sorry for himself, and trying to figure himself out? Brilliant idea. Brilliant. As if it wasn't difficult enough to do that when he was sober and lucid.
Not that he ever really tried...
Was this it then? Was this him? The true Matt Sidle in all his glory? A guy so overrun by anxiety that he had to get wasted just to try and get away from it? And failing epically, too? A guy that called people up in the middle of the night just to rant, like some loser? And that when they picked up the phone, didn't even manage to rant? Was that the real Matt Sidle?
Well, no wonder he'd been packed up and hidden away in the back of the closet. The guy was a total and utter failure!
Though really, who the f*ck knew? It wasn't like Matt had spent a lot of time figuring out who he really was, since he'd spent most of it maintaining his facade instead. So consequently, he really didn't know. He didn't know who he was underneath the surface, he didn't know what - when all the lights that were on him went out and the curtain went down - he'd be left with. He didn't even know if there'd be anything left of him.
All he knew, was that right now, he was hurting, bad, and that for once in his miserable life, he wanted someone to see it.
How ironic. It was so ridiculously ironic. Pathetic, weak, pitiful, and just.... just utterly pathetic. There really was no better way of labelling it.
Oh, for crying out loud, just snap out of it already. Cease the pity party, and just pull it together!
God, his head was hurting... and spinning...
He was so wrapped up in his own maze of a mind, that he didn't even notice Josh reaching for him, until the other boy's hand slid over Matt's shoulders and into his hair, the simple but so affectionate touch once again putting a halt to the chaotic thoughts swirling in Matt's head, and turning his unsteady gaze onto Josh. Though not a single word was uttered, neither when Josh gently pulled Matt's head towards his chest, as though somehow the universe had decided to ease up on Matt momentarily, and grant Josh the power to read minds after all, nor when Matt let him. Even if the drunken youth would have wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to produce a single word right then and there. Josh's gesture - so unexpected, but so very, very needed - sent all that pent up anguish and sorrow straight up from his gut to clog in his throat, and... he choked up. For the first time in God knows how long, he choked up, and had to fight hard to stop the tears from forming behind his closed eyelids.
Such is the simple magic of human touch: You manage to hold yourself together, as long as someone doesn't show concern, by asking how you're doing, or just even putting their hand on your shoulder in an attempt to show support and offer comfort when they think you might need it. Once that happens, all self-control tends to crumble, and give way to the flood of sorrow you've kept buried within.
And frankly, being drunk doesn't exactly help put a damper on those feelings. On the contrary.
Perhaps that was why initially, right after Josh had just entered the car and reached for him, Matt had pulled away; because on some level, he knew how detrimental it would be to his precious self-control, to have it further challenged right now, by having someone show concern and support. Support that only minutes later, he would be craving like never before, and caving in to without any further resistance. He just slumped in surrender against Josh's frame, his temple against Josh's shoulder and his cheek against his chest, eyes closed in welcome of the sensation.
But he wouldn't cry. He refused. He wouldn't cry over this. He was scared, and emotional, but he wouldn't cry. Instead, as a way of distracting himself with impressions, he focused on the smell of Josh's shirt, slowly drawing in the scent of his cologne into his nostrils, and managing to somehow find just a little bit of peace therein.
Though the first couple of breaths that he took probably sounded suspiciously shivering, and so after a little while, once his voice was strong enough to carry his desire to speak, he did just that;
"I'm not crying", he informed Josh rather randomly, though his words ended up being somewhat muffled against Josh's clothing.
Even now, after having given in to his own vulnerability, it was as though he still couldn't come to terms with it. As though there was still something left to prove.
(((ooc: Man... This boy has iiiiiiissues... And sorry if it's incoherent and all over the place, but it's kind of supposed to be. *s* )))
4th Jan 2010, 2:05 AM
(((OOC Awww! Thank you :) )))
Sometimes, the best you could do for a person is just be there.
Josh hadn’t really realised it. He came to fix a problem, make everything alright, make everyone happy again, and that’d be all. It was such a simplistic view of looking at it, because it was never really that easy, and during all the times he’d attempted this, he’d have thought he’d learn it. But it’d never really been this bad. He’d never really seen it – Matt especially – like this, so he was entirely out of his depth. It scared him and he figured he needed to do something about it immediately, fix it and have it go away.
He didn’t realise Matt had called up because he needed him to be there, not because he needed him to patch up the situation. And when he did, it felt all the more stupid for it, because it was just so obvious.
He just held Matt nestling against him, the car a total silence but for the quiet breathing of the two youths so close to each other, letting Matt take all the time he needed before they did anything at all, because that was what it was all about, a release for those pent-up emotions and frustrations that had driven him to this, to here, to end up drunk and wallowing in despondency, because he needed to. And as much as it hurt Josh to see him as this mess, he had to admit, it was for the better. Keeping it all pent up led to here, and the solution wasn’t to brush it all under the carpet and leave it to fester until it all exploded in their faces.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is stand by and watch, because it was for the best.
"I'm not crying,” Matt asserted, and Josh didn’t reply immediately. It was alright if he cried; he was entitled to, after everything. But no, Josh wouldn’t advice him, or tell him what to do, because that’s what led here; Matt not doing what he wanted to do, and therefore, Josh refrained from commenting directly on it, his hands running a reassuring caress over Matt’s back before slipping tenderly into his hair.
Right now, though, he wasn’t sure what to do. Yes, there was the temptation to simply remain here, secluded here in the warmth of the hushed car, in the lull of their breathing, the shuffle of their small movements, in the intimacy, away from all the troubles and traps that waited now that the cat was out of the bag, here in the cloak of the night, stuck between the aftermath of today and the trepidation of tomorrow, the meridian where it was almost worth hoping that by some haphazardly constructed reasoning, tomorrow might just change what it had in store, and that if they slept on it, everything might just be alright.
But that wasn’t practical and he knew it.
No, what was practical was to fix that problem, because while what he could do for Matt was what he was currently doing, holding Natalie or Esteban close to him sure as hell wasn’t going to solve anything. That situation needed to be dealt with, and one way or another, he would, because this couldn’t go on for much longer without irreparable damage that he wasn’t willing to stand by and let happen. But that was with Natalie and Esteban, and they were only a small part of the problems that Matt had.
“You know you can talk to me, right?” he asked – or rather stated – softly, his husky voice disappearing into the stillness around them, offering Matt some way of venting that inner frustration. “About anything.”
6th Jan 2010, 7:23 PM
Silence. Following in the wake of Matt's compulsive claim about not crying, there was only silence to yet again spread it's wings over the two boys in the car, as Josh remained quiet. Quiet, but not unresponsive. Matt could feel his hands drift gently over his back in reassurance, in an unspoken testament that he was there, and that he still would be even if Matt had been crying. Fingertips skirted tenderly along his shoulders and over his neck, finding their way into his tousled hair and drawing yet another shivering sigh from Matt's listless form. Usually, the gesture was one that would send small electrical tingles scurrying up and down his spine, and bring new fervour to his kiss, as usually his lips would have locked hungrily over Josh's by the time it happened, but now, with his head resting against Josh's shoulder, it just felt... really nice. Comforting, and affectionate, in a way that didn't ask anything of him, not even on a subconscious level. It allowed him to just be there, and find solace in the very first comforting embrace he'd been given in years, and to be perfectly honest, he was quite content to just stay there. He still felt like shit, and his head was still spinning from all the rum, but for some reason, being held just made it feel at least bearable, and he really wasn't particularly tempted to go anywhere. Instead, he simply gave in to the weight of his heavy eyelids and let his eyes drift closed, drawing in yet another breath of Josh's musky scent through his nose, and savouring the warmth of his chest against his cheek, filtering through the fabric of Josh's shirt. He could have probably fallen asleep there, eventually, had Josh not decided to speak at last, the deep softness of his voice rumbling in his chest, and making Matt almost feel his words vibrate against his skin, rather than hear them.
"You know you can talk to me, right?", the other boy said quietly. "About anything."
Yet despite the unexpected sound of his voice cutting through the soft lull that had started engulfing Matt's mind, Matt's eyes remained closed at first, though he did give a small nod. Because he sort of did know that, deep down. In their discussions - calling them arguments would have been an exaggeration, since Josh never really did argue, preferring calm reasoning instead - he had often claimed that Josh didn't understand, that he had no idea of the pressure Matt was under, but somewhere deep down, they both knew it to be a false accusation, and one made only because Matt was feeling cornered. Josh understanding was part of the very reason why they'd even gotten involved in the first place; because Matt, in a moment of drunken depression, had gotten careless and vented his true feelings, which had turned out to have quite a bit in common with Josh's feelings over his own situation. Josh knew what Matt had been talking about then, and had been talking about ever since, because Josh himself was experiencing something fairly similar, albeit if on a slightly different scale, and handling it differently than Matt did.
So yes, despite often pretending not to, Matt did know that.
But he didn't want to talk about that. He didn't want to talk about school, or his parents, or his "friends", or Mark, or Marie-Elisabeth, or Natalie and Esteban, and all the crap they were currently hurling at him. He didn't want to talk about that, not any of it. He had finally ended up in a situation that he'd always refused to put himself into, never allowing anyone to see the need to try and comfort him - because why should they, when his life was supposed to be perfect? - but now felt he wasn't willing to let go. God, he'd needed this. To just feel awful, and for once in his life be comforted.
Though it did make him dangerously fragile, and led him down yet another path he'd never travelled before, in his suddenly awakened need for genuine reassurance, and so before he knew it, words he would have never, ever even considered uttering, had everything been as usual, spilled out of him;
"Josh...?", came his tentative voice, still somewhat muffled by Josh's shirt, as he slowly opened his eyes again, yet didn't break the embrace to look up at the other boy. He didn't even move at all. "Do you love me...?"
Again, it was pathetic. And not just the question itself - needy and clingy, and such an obvious hunger for reassurance - but because, really, what had he possibly ever given Josh to love? He hadn't exactly been all that nice to him; snapping at him, freaking out at him, accusing him, pushing him away, just doing his best in general to make Josh feel like what they were doing was nothing but a little fun, that it didn't mean anything. He'd been flippant, he'd been vengeful, he'd even been downright cruel at times, and it wasn't as though he was doing any better right now, being drunk and difficult, and just such a needy, pitiful failure. Honestly, had he himself been on the outside looking in at the scene unfolding in the car, he would have probably been laughing his *ss off at the pathetic loser in there, clinging to his partner - physically, but above all emotionally - practically begging to be loved.
But as it was, he hadn't been able to stop himself, he hadn't even wanted to, because... he needed to know. He needed for someone to care about him for who he was, pathetic though he may be, and not just for what he was. For what they thought him to be.
11th Jan 2010, 3:32 PM
Josh and relationships… it was all a bit confusing, a bit of everything.
They were at high school, and everyone knows how high school romances don’t last long. In fact, if it lasts beyond college, that was in itself a pretty worthy feat. And it wasn’t a reflection on the strength of the relationship between the pair, at least Josh didn’t think so; he figured it was because people change, and especially after high school, they probably change a lot. But that was a little too much on the mature scale for him, and most of the time, he just figured it was all for transient fun. Because they were young, and carefree and he had the presence of mind to realise that it wasn’t always going to be like that. He’d have to grow up and be an adult some day.
That said, he wasn’t ever insensitive or uncaring towards any of his girlfriends. Well, this was Josh; he wasn’t insensitive or uncaring towards anyone, but least of all, the girls he dated, because yes, it wouldn’t last, but it was important for there and then. And he knew not to toy with people’s feelings and he knew not to be flippant or say things he didn’t mean, because one way or another, it’d lead to something he really didn’t mean or want to deal with. He could just about lie when she asked him for his opinion on her dress or whatever, but that was really to keep his own head.
He’d never told anyone that he thought it was more serious than he really did, and it meant he’d be kicking himself later because he shot his chance at scoring to hell, but fine.
He’d never told anyone he loved them, because frankly, he didn’t.
So, Matt’s question threw him, really.
"Josh...?" the uncertainty in his voice reverberated softly through the enclosure in the car, like rain gently trickling through inside the ground, and Josh’s imperceptible “mm” in response dissolved. "Do you love me...?"
He almost tensed, but caught himself just in time, not wanting Matt to realise his sheer surprise at it all, especially with them so close. He hadn’t seen that coming, of all the things. He hadn’t expected Matt to accuse him of not caring either, but that was… more plausible than this. He hadn’t expected this because… because it spoke of such need, such emotional longing and Josh had become accustomed to Matt freaking out at the sheer mention or beginning of anything real between them. But all that dispelled now and here they were, with Matt wondering whether Josh loved him and though he knew he’d been called because Matt needed him, he wasn’t prepared for this.
So he sat there, holding the other boy, eyes slightly widened as he looked out into the view beyond the windshield, as if that might grant him an answer.
It didn’t. And he didn’t know. In a way, it felt silly that people were automatically expected to just know when they weren’t and were in love and it felt even sillier, given the tone of relationship that Matt had asserted since day one. Added to that, an insecure part of him wondered the difference between Matt wanting to be loved, and Matt wanting to be loved by him, before he decided to dispel it; that didn’t make much of a difference as to whether Josh loved him or not, did it?
He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to say yes, in case it came out sounding empty or did more damage to the situation. And he didn’t say yes because if he did love Matt, he didn’t want to acknowledge it now, only to be faced with later, when Matt walked away. That’d always been on the table, hadn’t it? It was a dirty little secret for Matt, it was something to be ashamed of, and when he had his fill, he’d walk away and they’d never talk about it again. It was always the plausible scenario despite all the evidence Josh mustered up against it. So, he didn’t say yes, because deep down, the lack of assurance he had scared him.
But he didn’t say no, because he knew that wasn’t entirely true, and he knew for sure that’d do more damage.
“I drove out here in the middle of the night for you,” he pointed out softly, letting the words come to him, still holding the other boy against him. “What does that say?”
19th Jan 2010, 4:02 PM
'Do you love me?'...
Well. If that didn't send his dignity flying right out the window, Matt didn't know what would. Not that he'd had much of it left to lose in the first place, what with already having made quite the spectacle of himself, being drunk and needy and emotional and just generally pathetic. It wasn't as though there had been many steps down left before he hit rock bottom, was it? And one would think that with not that many steps left, those that did remain would somehow be harder to find. But nope, he'd found them alright, and he hadn't just gone down them, he'd practically hurled himself down. Apparently, when on a downward spiral, it was all much easier to just keep sliding. Though he supposed it made sense; going uphill had always been more difficult than going downhill.
However, drunken metaphors aside, with that one question he'd just asked, it felt as though the last shred of his dignity had gone bye-bye. Especially when all he got in response at first, was total silence. Shocked silence. He was drunk, but he wasn't stupid; he knew the question must have taken Josh by complete surprise, if for no other reason than because of the way Matt had treated him all along. Again, what had he ever given Josh to love, really? It wasn't as though Matt himself could have ever loved anyone who'd treated him the way he'd treated Josh. He'd treated Josh much in the same way that Marie-Elisabeth had treated Matt lately, and Matt sure as hell didn't harbour any particularly tender feelings towards her.
Then again, Matt wasn't Josh, and Josh wasn't Matt. Matt was self-centered and egotistical - he knew it just as well as everyone around him did, even if he didn't openly admit it - and Josh just... wasn't. Josh probably had more ability to love in his little finger, than Matt did in his entire being - though not necessarily because he couldn't, but because he didn't dare to, he couldn't afford to, because it felt to him like nothing around him was actually real, it was all make believe - which only went on to explain even further why he figured he'd shocked Josh by asking that stupid, stupid question.
With his head still resting against Josh's shoulder, staring blindly at the dashboard in front of him and dreading the answer - or the continued lack thereof - he could just imagine the look on Josh's face right now. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Josh knew Matt didn't handle rejection very well, and that he didn't take kindly to being denied what he wanted. Added to that was the fact that Josh also knew he was hurting right now, and, knowing Josh, he'd desperately want to make things better. And Matt had just wedged him in firmly between a rock and a hard place.
Had Matt not been so damned miserable, it would have been almost funny.
But, he was, and it wasn't. He really needed for the question to be answered, he hungered to be validated as something more than just an empty poster boy for the teen dream. And the only one who could do that, was Josh, because he was the only one who'd ever been allowed - albeit most reluctantly - to see what was behind the facade. He was the only one who knew. And even he probably didn't even know half of it.
God, what a mess...
"I drove out here in the middle of the night for you. What does that say?"
At long last, Josh spoke, his voice gentle and warm through the chilly air as he pointed out the current circumstances and their significance, and his arm still resting protectively around Matt's fragile frame. Yet all the softness in the world couldn't hide the fact that it was a reply, but not an answer. It wasn't a yes or a no. Although that of course was often answer enough, wasn't it? It was the classic evasive maneuver, filled with diplomacy and carefully designed to not say too little, but even more so not to say too much either. Matt knew how it worked. Lord knows he'd practiced his fair share of it.
Matt didn't know quite how to react. It stung terribly - hoping for the world and getting the moon always did - and he wasn't sure which was really worse; being flat out told "no", or having his question sidestepped like this, as a "no" gently covered in bubble wrap.
Though he didn't lash out, like he normally would when feeling exposed. There was nothing of relief or contentment in the way that he gave a small sigh and pulled back, out of Josh's embrace, but there was no vitriol in it either. Only resignation, as if even though the answer wasn't exactly what he'd wanted to hear, it wasn't what he hadn't wanted to hear either. It was close enough, and a clear indication that Josh did care about him.
Yet, he couldn't completely silence the bitter voice at the back of his mind, that insisted that considering how nice Josh was, not just to Matt but to frickin' everyone, was there someone he wouldn't have driven out here for in the middle of the night, had they called him up, drunk and desperate?
But fair enough, he supposed, managing a reasonable thought in the midst of his drunken stupor. Matt himself was probably no closer to confessing to loving Josh, than Josh was to confessing to loving Matt, so fair enough.
"I guess", he mumbled as he slumped back in his seat again, and rubbed the back of his hand against his forehead as though it would somehow help clear his head.
Though the mumble was more out of mental and physical exhaustion than it was sulkiness, as indicated by the fact that the answer itself was somewhat incoherent; a response to something Josh hadn't actually said in so many words.
He was just so tired.
"You can go if you want", he then added, as if saying that if Josh didn't want to stay anymore, Matt would understand. "It's okay. I'll manage."
24th Jan 2010, 1:52 AM
Josh was pretty certain he’d screwed that one up. It was such a direct question, putting the subject glaringly under the limelight like that and he couldn’t sidestep, he couldn’t dance around it and he most certainly couldn’t pretend he’d just not heard it. More though, it was such a delicate question. Both for himself and for Matt, because it brought with it a gravity that Josh wasn’t sure either of them was really ready to address or acknowledge. Besides, if there was ever a time to go into that, this – with Matt inebriated and wallowing in his stupor and depression, and Josh frankly at a loss as to what to say or do – definitely wasn’t it.
He hadn’t wanted to say something stupid, so he’d ended up saying something pretty stupid. Typical.
There was no immediate recoil to his words, but if Josh knew Matt, and the relationship between them – and out of it’s two participants, someone had to know it for what it was – he knew it hadn’t gone down well, or lightly. Matt’d asked the question, for a specific answer, and Josh had failed to give it. Of course it made him feel guilty, because it was such a sensitive and personal subject that Josh knew Matt wouldn’t have brought it up if he hadn’t desperately needed something regarding it. Matt wouldn’t swallow his pride for anything trivial, after all. So he knew it was important, but in the panic of the moment, he screwed it up.
But Matt handled it all better than Josh thought he would and... he was starting to worry that that was definitely a bad sign. The Matt he knew would tighten up and rebuff it all... this one didn’t....
Just a small sigh and he pried himself slowly out of Josh’s tender embrace, as if he didn’t want it anymore because it wasn’t real, genuine enough and Josh... it was real and genuine to Josh. But he didn’t say anything or protest, letting Matt set the tone after the silence.
"I guess,” he mumbled, resigning himself back into the driver’s seat again and Josh’s eyes darted for the car keys instinctively, but he soon brushed off the thoughts. Still... it was really, really disconcerting how incredibly out of character for Matt this was, how this was worlds away from that sprightly young man that dominated Brooklake’s social vibe. But in a way, it was him, because after all that front, there had to be something very different that he was ashamed of. This, then.
Josh just waited again, careful in rejecting his urges to immediately elaborate on what he’d meant as a way of patching the whole situation up, or painting it over in potentially misleading colours. But he managed to refrain; he didn’t want to cause more damage.
"You can go if you want,” Matt then continued in a tone of voice that wasn’t the “I’m done with you now, don’t need anymore” that Josh was expecting, and therefore more equipped to deal with. This was... this was almost meek, undemanding... drained. If he hadn’t had alarm bells ringing in his head before, Josh definitely heard them now; this wasn’t a situation that’d right itself once Matt got sober, this was about to blow. "It's okay. I'll manage."
No... long term issues aside, Josh had serious doubts as to whether Matt would manage from here on. In fact, that had been one of his primary worries in dashing over to Irwayne Woods a little while earlier; that Matt would do something like trying to drive in this state, especially from a cliff side at that too. So, no, he wasn’t going to go, and frankly, he didn’t want to go. He was here because he cared, because he wanted to make sure Matt’d be okay and yeah, he’d done a shoddy job of soothing Matt’s emotional insecurities, but he wasn’t even tempted to leave him out here on his own.
“Well, you don’t have to, not on your own,” he asserted firmly, saying once and for all that he wasn’t going to go off anywhere, and saying that he didn’t want to. A deep breath drew into his throat as he relaxed his shoulders, running his hand though his bed hair in trying to figure out what to do next; he didn’t want to do the mistake of wham-bam fixing the practical situation again, because there was so much more to it than that and so, having learned his lesson, he decided to let Matt decide, now with the knowledge that he wasn’t alone in this. Well, any more that he made himself be, anyway. But Josh supposed he couldn’t force him to let him in any faster than he was ready to do, so he didn’t push it; he’d leave it to Matt.
“What do you want to do?”
27th Jan 2010, 1:47 AM
Matt didn't know what he wanted. Right here, right now, drunk and wallowing in self pity in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, he really didn't know what he wanted. "For once" might have been a phrase to be added in his head, had it not started becoming increasingly clear to him, even in this thoroughly inebriated state, that despite how confident and purposeful he would usually portray himself, he usually didn't have a clue while sober either. He acted as though he did, he knew what he was supposed to want, and he went after it. And most of the time he got it, too. But frankly, deep down, it was getting more and more difficult to convince himself it was what he wanted. He loved the glory and the envy that every conquest and achievement caused among his friends and the unwashed masses, but... lately it had started feeling as though it was only because his popularity was all he had. It was all he knew, and he was so scared of ever losing it, because without it, what was he?
That, in turn, begged the question of whether he really wanted popularity, like he kept telling himself, and had kept telling himself ever since he was little and had first noticed that apparently he was expected to be popular, or whether it was all just a fear of the unknown that kept him a slave to it? He did tend to appreciate the few moments of solitude that he would sometimes get, and at the same time, if they got to be too many or too long, they would make his head spin with things he didn't like to think about, and he'd throw himself right back into the company of his "friends". When he was surrounded by people, he would sometimes want to just be alone, and when he was alone, he would sometimes just want to be surrounded by people. And for the life of him, he couldn't figure out which was the one he really wanted.
Even now he was having trouble figuring it out. Or maybe especially now, with the realization having dawned on him, with him too drunk to do what he usually did and try to push it out of his mind. He'd told Josh he could leave if he wanted to, but he wasn't really sure if he actually wanted to be alone. Or if he even dared to be alone. There was just so much going on in his head, and nothing of it good.
"Well, you don't have to", Josh stated in a resolute tone from beside him, "not on your own."
Apparently, he saw that Matt himself was unsure, and caught on to the fact that what he'd said had been mostly his way of giving Josh an easy out, after having put him on the spot like that, asking if Josh loved him. As though he thought the shock Josh had felt might have sent him into the kind of guy's panic that would have him wanting to bail. But then again, it wasn't as though Josh would have to be Sherlock Holmes to pick up on Matt's dejection. Matt was hardly up to par, as far as his ability to muster his convincing portrayal of Matt Sidle, King of Brooklake went.
And it didn't sound like he wanted to get the hell out of there, and was staying only because he felt obligated to. Like Josh himself had pointed out, he'd driven out here in the middle of the night, and regardless of whether or not he would have done it for others too, it still meant he cared. Matt might be drunk, and feeling a bit rejected as well as extremely self-conscious at the moment, but he did still recognize that. Even if his reaction to it all was far different from what it would usually have been. Something of which Josh too seemed to be most aware, but had the decency not to point out. Despite the telltale glance Matt saw him shooting him, as though he was worried Matt would suddenly burst out of the car and jump off the cliff in front of them. Or possibly start up the car and drive off the cliff.
Not that it wasn't tempting...
"What do you want to do?", Josh asked after a few moments of silence, his voice intruding on Matt's spiralling thoughts, and bringing his gaze back to land on the blue-eyed boy's (somewhat blurry) face.
Oh, the irony of that question. With Matt just having established to himself that he really had no clue what he wanted, on pretty much any level, the timing was just impeccably ironic.
Yet even so, his reply came surprisingly quick, as due to his intoxication, the first thought to jump into his head, made it equally fast past his lips;
"Disappear", he replied without a moment's hesitation.
And true enough it was. He really was too tired to deal with all this crap, to fight for something that was going down the crapper anyway, and... just the thought of losing everything he had, no matter how little it may be, just made his stomach twist into a thousand tiny knots, and his hands shake. It made his breathing quiver, and his heart to freeze in his chest.
He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to have to do this, not any of it. Nothing would have been more of a blessing to him, than if a hole had just suddenly opened up in the ground and let him sink through it, and just not deal with all this. It would have been such a relief...
Though as even in this state, he realized it wasn't possible, the comment was just followed by a listless shrug of his shoulders.
"I dunno", he said, and then opted for what right now seemed like the second best thing... despite him already being there, and despite it not really having helped at all; "Get hammered?"
29th Jan 2010, 1:19 PM
"Disappear,” the reply shot out immediately and Josh suppressed the urge to sigh, either out of concurrence or resignation. Because yes, he wanted certain people to just disappear. Well, okay, not certain people, but certain things, like the fact that Natalie and Esteban knew. Like the fact that by not being honest with people, he’d managed to dig himself a hole so deep that it was taking all this to get out of it. As much as he wanted others to be happy too, Josh figured that there was only so much compromise he could do; he was what he was, and he should be perfectly at ease to be that, right? It wasn’t like he was hurting anyone, it wasn’t like it was morally wrong. So, he wished all the expectations would just disappear.
But it was also resignation, because he knew Matt wasn’t talking about that, he was talking about himself. And... no. Running away wasn’t the answer, because whatever everyone else was going to think, Josh and Matt weren’t in the wrong, they hadn’t done anything to be ashamed of, and so they weren’t the ones who had to disappear in shame. They had to stand and make their point, because everyone else was wrong. Fine, well meaning advice and all, and Josh couldn’t reject it all because he had, this far, done everything asked of him, but it just wasn’t their place to dictate his sexuality. They didn’t have to deal with it, they didn’t have to live in denial; he did. And he’d tried, and it just wasn’t fair to expect him to do that to himself.
And partly, it was because he should have known it wouldn’t help much to ask Matt for directive on what to do now.
"I dunno,” Matt continued with a vacant shrug and Josh turned to him, expecting himself to be wrong on that. "Get hammered?"
Yeah. That was helping so much, right?
As much as Matt wanted to delve into escapism, Josh knew they couldn’t. Burying their heads in the sand wasn’t going to fix anything. Especially now that Natalie and Esteban knew, they didn’t have the luxury of waiting around for things to go right again; they had to make the move. Right now, Josh had to make the move. And he couldn’t help Matt more than practically when things were like this and while he was just... not in touch with lucidity. It’d be better when he was sober.
The thought did cross Josh’s mind; to try sober him up as much as he could and then discuss the whole situation, but he wasn’t that desperate. Matt was drunk, emotionally worn, exhausted and so, any discussion involving rationality could wait until a better time. Besides, it wasn’t going to help right now, anyway.
A decisive deep breath flooded through his nasal passages as he leaned back in the seat before pulling himself up straight in resolution of what he was going to do. Firstly, given how drunk Matt seemed, Josh figured he had a hell of a hangover coming his way in the morning, and he didn’t want him to deal with that on top of everything else. Plus, it’d be a dead giveaway to the Sidles that Matt had spent the previous evening getting stupidly drunk and on the off chance they came down hard on him, with his emotional instability already, it wouldn’t go well. Matt would snap, he’d probably spill and that’d lead to even greater problems. On one hand, Josh couldn’t help but feel that that might be better, if Matt was forced to tell his parents, because they had to come around, right? If they cared? And Matt wasn’t going to do it anytime soon by himself, so....
Alright. Honestly, he was tempted. But Josh wasn’t manipulative, he wasn’t going to trap Matt into anything regardless of whether it’d be a good move or not, and knowing Matt, if the decision was taken out of his hands – though, he wasn’t likely to know that for sure – it was invariably going to be a bad move. So conscience and rationality combined, Josh’d do the responsible thing.
Which meant he had to get Matt to drink a lot of water before he got him home, and all the while hoping to God that they got there before Matt’s parents did.
“It’s best if we get you home,” he announced softly, yet firmly, something in his voice indicating that it wasn’t up for discussion, reaching out to get the car keys before opening the door to the chilling air and stepping out of the car, his torso still inside as he gently shifted Matt onto the passenger’s seat, buckling him in with the seat belt before walking over to the driver’s side, and taking his place behind the wheel. Then it occurred to him that they should really have a back-up plan or some sort of cover story; “What are we gonna do if your parents are back?”
After all, he'd never dealt with them before, he had no idea what they were even likely to fall for.
7th Feb 2010, 11:23 PM
Was Josh getting fed up with him? Or angry with him? Sitting there in the car, in the middle of nowhere, with Josh in the seat next to his, Matt was getting the distinct impression that he was. For even though there was no impatient sigh to filter through the silence left between them after Matt's latest and, in his own drunken opinion, rather reasonable suggestion, Matt felt as though he could still sense it in the very air around them. Then again, he knew he was drunk, and that his limbs weren't functioning the way they usually did, and that his brain wasn't functioning the way it usually did, and so really, why should his ability to pick up on the mindframe of others function the way it usually did? He might just be imagining it.
Still, if Josh really was getting angry with him, then why? What for? What had Matt done? It wasn't like it was he who was asking stupid questions, was it? (Well, minus the utterly idiotic "do you love me?" one a few minutes ago, but that one, Matt had already made a conscious effort to forget.)
'What do you want to do'... Pffft! Did it frickin' look like Matt knew what he wanted to do? Would he be here in the first place, if he knew what he wanted to do? Would he be drunk off his *ss, and calling Josh in the middle of the night to rant, had he known what he wanted to do? Really, what did Josh expect? He could have just as well asked Matt how to solve world hunger, for Christ's sake! Or what, did he expect Matt to all of a sudden go "Ooh, ooh, I know! Let's tell the whole world what we're doing, and have them all think we're freaks!"
Yeah, right... Great plan, Josh! No, really! Just brilliant!
Idiot jocks and their head traumas...
"It's best if we get you home."
The sound of Josh's voice cut firmly through Matt's inner argument with him, bringing him out of the maze that his mind had seemed to become over the past few hours, and making him groan at what he said. Get Matt home? Oh, whoop-dee-doo, another brilliant plan! Someone should get Josh a medal.
Matt didn't want to go home. Home was where he'd fled from in the first place, because it was empty, and deserted, and left him all alone with all these thoughts that were driving him crazy. He didn't want to go back there, and start all over.
Yet he didn't protest. Josh's tone had made it clear that his words were final, and for some reason really quite beyond his own comprehension, Matt accepted it. Not even when Josh stole his keys, and then got out of the car and started tugging at him on order to get him over to the passenger side, did he protest. He just grumbled something about wanting the keys back later, and then tried his best to assist - resulting in one of his less graceful moments, when he found his legs to be more in the way rather than helping - eventually ending up finally sitting properly in the seat, and watching obediently as Josh leaned over him to buckle him in, before shutting the door, rounding the car, and sliding himself in behind the wheel.
However, instead of just going ahead and starting the car like Matt had expected him to, he paused, and turned his head to look at Matt.
"What are we gonna do if your parents are back?", he asked, as though the thought had just occurred to him.
And as though Matt hadn't just told him that his parents weren't going to be home tonight. Matt couldn't remember right now where they had said they were going, but he did remember that wherever it was, they'd said they'd be staying there over night.
Yeah... Yeah, they had, because otherwise Matt wouldn't have gotten drunk in the first place. Or at least he thought he wouldn't have, because he'd been sober before he got drunk, and he always made more rational decisions when sober, and so wouldn't have decided to drink, if he'd been sober, and expecting his parents home tonight.
God, his head was still spinning...
"How should I know?", he muttered, and leaned his head against the cool door window and closed his eyes.
It wasn't his idea to go home, after all, and so if Josh was so bloody eager to get him there, let him worry about it.
"They're not", he added only a few seconds later, however, eyes still closed, and then gave a tired sigh. "Just go..."
29th Mar 2010, 11:24 PM
(((ooc: Due to lack of time, we're leaving it for the last post to wrap up this scenario. Josh drove Matt home - finding that the Sidle's were still away - put Matt to bed after making him drink plenty of water to spare him the massive hangover he had coming, and then took a cab back to Irwayne Woods to get his own car, before going home.
We both hope everyone who's been following this RP has enjoyed it as much as we have. Thank you for reading. :) )))
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