The Valentine Legacy.

[zauritsky]

http://i574.photobucket.com/albums/ss184/Kiwisushi28/Screenshot-75A.jpg
Hey. I'm Will Valentine, the second, and therefore inferior, Valentine brother. You may have heard of my brother, Gregory, who owns his own line of napkins. They're the leading selling brand of napkins worldwide. So, when my father expected me to go forth and help my brother co-own that napkin company, I refused point-blank. Why? Because I want to help people. I want to save their lives. So I told my dad that I wanted to be a surgeon...and he kicked me out. Oh, but before I packed everything up he gave me a deed to an empty lot. I moved in and bought a few appliances. I'll make more money and eventually expand for the family I'm going to build here, the new Valentines. My new family won't care about if what they want will break tradition. They will care that their child or parent or sibling has a dream, and they will do whatever they can to help. This is my dream.

http://i574.photobucket.com/albums/ss184/Kiwisushi28/Screenshot-76a.jpg
Yes! Sacred Spleen Hospital just accepted their newest organ donor. This is the first rung on the ladder to being a surgeon, and the first rung on the ladder to having a house. I'm gonna love this town, I can already tell.

http://i574.photobucket.com/albums/ss184/Kiwisushi28/Screenshot-77A.jpg
You've gotta be pretty smart to be a surgeon, so I went to the local bookstore and picked up a book or two to boost my brains. It's not gonna be easy, but I've gotta finally get this medical stuff down.

http://i574.photobucket.com/albums/ss184/Kiwisushi28/Screenshot-78a.jpg

This is Blair Wainwright, a girl I met also browsing the logic section. She seemed pretty cool, so I walked with her down to the pool. We continued talking about our work and intellectual things. I learned that she was working to be a police officer, which I think is pretty cool for a woman to aspire to be.

http://i574.photobucket.com/albums/ss184/Kiwisushi28/Screenshot-79a.jpg
I'll admit it: She did kind of give me the butterflies. I was really impressed with her, so I guess I did kind of try to impress her. We flirted for a while at the pool, and even though I'm not a flirty person, it went over really well.

http://i574.photobucket.com/albums/ss184/Kiwisushi28/Screenshot-80A.jpg
Not well enough, I guess. I was ultimately rejected for the kiss, and it did put me off. I wish I had taken it slower. It did cost me a little trust with her, but I'm hoping I can get it back.

-

Tell me what you think! Constructive criticism please (:

[Ciane]

My constructive criticism would be on the pictures. I think they could be closer and from a lower angle. I often pause and hit tab to go into the camera mode. Then you can zoom in (z) or out (x), move right (d) or left (a), up (e) or down (q), and forwards (s) and backwards (w) as well as use the mouse to adjust the camera angle. When ready, just hit "c" to take a picture. When done, hit tab again to exit the camera mode.

[Bethyi]

I agree with Ciane about the photographs. You need to get a bit closer and I'd also suggest cropping your photos so that only the important part is showing. I'm really liking this though :)

[cappyboy]

Good story start. Look forward to seeing more characters interject themselves into Will's life and how things go with Blair.

But I gotta say it took me a couple tries to get very far. As a wrestling fan, it was kind of tricky seeing the name Gregory Valentine as a napkin magnate. Now if you'd said he owned a hardware store, I might have bought in more quickly. :)

And Will comes from a pretty odd family if having designs on being a surgeon gets one disowned. But that's a good thing. That kind of divergent thinking from your characters should help make for a fun read.