Confession from all Simoholic, come here!

[haricots]

Sometimes, people are scared to confess something. And asking for an advice about it (if it's a problem). But here, we barely know each other personally (except for some Simoholic couples, like Delphy and HP, or else...). So, let's confessing! :D

I am sometimes feel very angry to my dad. He tries to make me better, but he himself doesn't want to try change himself. We both are a quick-to-anger type of person, but he told me that being like that is not good. Like he himself ever try to be not so quick to anger...
Not trying to make my dad looks so bad here, it's just a confession from me. I want to make him realize that he must change himself first, before even tries to change anyone else. Any advice? Or maybe a story like this happens to you?

P.S.:I search on Google about type of thread like this, and found none in MTS. So, apologize comes from my mouth (& finger) if there's similar thread like this. Lock it if there's any thread like this. :anime:

[smorbie1]

Haricots,
I don't know whether this is an only type of thread or not. Maybe this could go in vent. Whatever. It's difficult to understand and I would guess you feel like your dad is being somewhat hypocritical for punishing you for your anger when he knows he has a problem with his. I'm not excusing him. But sometimes parents get so busy working and trying to keep the house together, that they can't always concentrate on the personal work they need to do. i don't know whether that is your dad's circumstances or not; I'm just talking from my own personal experience.
However, if you acknowledge that your temper is a problem in your life, maybe you could just work on that yourself, regardless of what your dad does. Then he wouldn't have anything to gripe about, you would think. Of course, he'll probably find something else. Which brings me to my next point. Sometimes, and this is totally wrong and unfair, it's easy to take out frustrations on your kids. It's possible your dad sees the problems his temper has caused him in his life and takes it out on you. Either way, the meta message is that you know you have a quick temper. And you know that will cause problems. So, what'cha gonna do about it?

[haricots]

Uh, yes. I tried to do something about my temperamental personality, and it's getting less. But from now, I also want my dad to change. It's not good to have a quick temper, right?
Oh, yeah. The Vent thread. What is the true meaning of vent? I ever heard from my teacher (my ENGLISH teacher) that venting is angry at something, or yelling because of anger. So I guess, confessing is different with venting. Or my english teacher got wrong? -_-'

[SimsLover50]

I applaud you for working on your temper issue. I think you should not think about your dad though. My experience is that parents rarely change, but that doesn't mean you can't fix your issue... Focusing too much on whether dad changes or not could be just an excuse to prevent you on focusing on your own concern. You can never control or change another person. But you CAN control yourself.

[VerDeTerre]

Haricots, I completely understand that you want your dad to work on his issues if he's going to criticize you for the same thing. You may even have a point; he might be unfair. On the other hand, you might be at that age (and there really is such an age) where you are critical of others and less likely to understand how your behavior seems. It's just something to keep in mind as you work on your issues.

Moving forward, worry less about blame and guilt and spend some thought trying to understand what you are angry about. You are not a bad person for getting angry. Everyone does. It's what you do with that anger that matters. Try to think of some ways that you might express anger that does not involve hurting anyone or anything. Try to find ways to resolve the things that cause you to get angry.

Growing up is one of the hardest things there is to do in this world. Letting go of things is one of the hardest lessons. If you can learn to let go of guilt, blame, and anger, you will have grown up quite a bit. Most of us work on these issues our entire lives. Good luck! :gjob:

[AngryBunny.]

I'm sorry to hear things with your dad have been hard. I'll tell you a bit about my situation incase it can help you improve things.

I have a very short fuse too. I get very emotional, and for a long time I blamed my parents for how I turned out. My family and I have never really gotten along, and my behaviour has caused a lot of problems in the family. One morning I woke up and found a letter on my bedside table. It was from my dad. He wrote the letter because he found it hard to talk about emotional things face to face. The letter basically talked about how he was sorry for whatever problems he and my mum may have caused me, that he wanted to make things better, and that he would try his best to fix things. I sat there crying as I read the letter because I had never seen this side of him. That night we all decided to sit down and talk about everything. I found out that my dad had been on anti-depressants since he was my age, which was a total shock to me because I've lived with him for 19 years and I had NO idea. It made me realise that I'm not the only one with problems in the family, and it sparked a connection between me and my dad because we've both got similar problems. I look at him differently now because of that, and our relationship has greatly improved. We still fight of course, but there's definitely more mutual respect now.

Sometimes talking about things really helps. And when I say 'talking' I don't mean screaming and swearing across the room at each other. I mean sitting down and calmly and maturely discussing the problems and how to fix them. There's always another side to the story and there might be things that you don't know about that influence your dad's behaviour. Try to keep an open mind and see things from his point of view and it will help you understand why he acts the way he does. If he says "You're the problem" don't take it personally. Think of a way you can change that. Also, instead of trying to get your dad to change, take your own advice and work on changing yourself. If he sees you making an effort it will help motivate him to improve his own behaviour. I know it seems unfair that you have to initiate the change, but for whatever reason he needs your help. Sometimes you just need to bury the hatchet and take action by yourself instead of waiting around for someone else to.

[Lance]

On the other hand, you might be at that age (and there really is such an age) where you are critical of others and less likely to understand how your behavior seems. Can you tell me more about that, please?

[AngryBunny.]

Can you tell me more about that, please?

I believe there is a term used to describe such behaviour - teen angst.

[simbalena]

I believe there is a term used to describe such behaviour - teen angst.

But lots of older people seem to get that self-entitled judgemental attitude too... like they are somehow entitled to judge others and yet everything they do or think is beyond reproach.

My mother must be suffering from teen angst!

[vhanster]

I am sometimes feel very angry to my dad. He tries to make me better, but he himself doesn't want to try change himself. We both are a quick-to-anger type of person, but he told me that being like that is not good. Like he himself ever try to be not so quick to anger...
Not trying to make my dad looks so bad here, it's just a confession from me. I want to make him realize that he must change himself first, before even tries to change anyone else. Any advice? Or maybe a story like this happens to you?:

I think that's the way most parents are. Always going, "Do as I say, and not as I do." They expect you to be a better person, while they themselves don't try to change or even realize their weaknesses. Mine are also like that. Not that I hate them or anything, but still.

[simbalena]

The first step is to identify ways to improve, but it's a completely different challenge to implement that change in your life. If someone gives advice but hasn't learned how to incorporate it into their own life it doesn't mean the advice is invalid.

[VerDeTerre]

Can you tell me more about that, please?

It's hard to describe, especially to someone who is going through it. Mostly, it's something I've observed and that has been reinforced in articles that I've read and in an ed psych class. It's not teen angst. Posters are saying that, but I would take that more humorously than seriously. Angst has to do with extreme emotions, conflicts, and drama which do seem to show up more frequently during certain periods of life. You see it more in the teen years and why not? Adolescents are going through some of the most dramatic changes in their lives!

The thing I was referring to is associated with being a teenager. If you see it in adults, it's probably part of their personality, unfortunately. It has to do with the sense of self. While all teens go through this to some degree, in some it is displayed in a more extreme manner. Those are the kids that cannot be reasoned with and who always think everyone is wrong. They will have an inflated sense of self and will not see when they are unfair to others. Give them a few years and their attitude and perspective changes. Please understand that I'm not saying any of this to put down teenagers. Some of the nicest and most wonderful people I know are teenagers or have been. And frankly, I love their energy, creativity, and humor. They go between being young sages one minute and the opposite the next. They are an interesting bunch.

Here's an article on brain development on the topic:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468

A few paragraphs down, it says the sort of thing I was saying:

"This also may explain why teenagers often seem so maddeningly self-centered. "You think of them as these surly, rude, selfish people," Jensen says. "Well, actually, that's the developmental stage they're at. They aren't yet at that place where they're thinking about — or capable, necessarily, of thinking about the effects of their behavior on other people. That requires insight." Actually, this still only approaches what I'm trying to get at, but still it shows something about perspective and brain development.

[haricots]

Thanks for your posts, guys. So then, anyone wants to confess something?

[Lance]

If you see it in adults, it's probably part of their personality, unfortunately. *sigh* Then it is as I feared. :D

Haricots, it may be your father realizes the situation.
You say he tries to make you better but doesn't want to change himself.
Perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps he pushes you so hard because he feels bad of his unability to change himself and is afraid you'll be stuck too.

[Riptide651]

My parents are sooo like that too!

[CinderEmma]

My father hasn't been in my life since grade 6, by my choice. He was too emotionally and verbally abusive, and in hindsight, I fear that had I stayed in contact with him for a few months more, sexual abuse would have happened. My mom supported my choice, but he thinks she brainwashed me. Which makes me feel like s***, I mean, I was so young, but even then I was so strong. How dare you judge me like that, how dare you think that my mom is such a horrible person.
Anyway, somewhat vent/ranty, but there ya go. I love my mom and my sister and sister-in-law and niece :) They're my family, I choose for my family to be healthy. He's not a part of it because he wouldn't get help when I asked him to, and he still won't.

[Lance]

*wondering* You say your father hasn't been in your life all this time and yet you know what he thinks and such.

[VerDeTerre]

You can hear from someone occasionally or hear about someone from someone else without that person actively being part of your life; ie: You don't spend time any amount of significant time with that person nor share the significant things and moments in your life with him.

[Peoinee]

I agree with most of the posts here and CinderEmma Ive been there. My mom is not a part of my life either it never would have hit sexual abuse but it was every other type of abuse imaginable. As for how parents act and expect their children to act. Think of it this way you are trying to change your anger but you never fully get it under control. Then a few years down the road you have a child of your own and you see that child taking the same missteps you did with their anger. While you may try all the tricks and secrets you never really could fix your problem because it developed to far. Are you going to sit back and allow your child to go down the same road you did or are you going to try to push them down the right path.

Its hard to see when your the child but for the MOST part parents have your best interest at heart.

Also you asked what venting is: Venting is not just an angry explosion its the act of getting something off your chest that is bothering you it can be done in a very calm way or an explosive way but you have still vented (let of steam) so that you dont explode in the wrong place or time.


So to sum up this post calm down yes you do need to sit and talk with your dad or you could go off what one poster described and write him a letter this way you can write and rewrite edit and make sue everything you want to say to him is there and you dont have to deal the the stress of him exploding and not letting you finish. If you do this and he doesnt read it all than you know its a lost cause and you need to only focus on yourself and what YOU need to improve.

[CinderEmma]

*wondering* You say your father hasn't been in your life all this time and yet you know what he thinks and such.My mom has communication with him for various stuff, and there was a recent child support court case where he made his views to the judge/mom/anybody else there VERY clear. I myself have not talked to him in that time, but my mom has told me what has been going on.

[Kathwynn]

CinderEmma I can relate. After my father died my mother married a man that raised my brothers and I like we were his own. He had a child with my mother.

My sister.

My mother divorced him after 15 years of marriage.

He turned his back on me and my brothers.

Was all good at the end, we were not his sons after all. Just four boys he raised as though we were his blood.

But he also turned his back on his only child. He has never met his four grand children. Two of which are planning to join the military. One want to go Annapolis and the other has not really decided. Being all of 15 yet. The one that want to go Annapolis will mark the first officer in the family in generations as is his brother should he decide on West Point or VMI. . The oldest started a good job. The youngest is just starting kindergarten.

When my sister finally saw her father for the first time in over 20 years with her oldest son at her side. (he is just 18) he told them both he wanted nothing to do with them. He wanted them to never contact him in any way shape or form.

My brothers and I have always admired the courage that my sister has always had. And know that her "father" is missing out on something grand.

Imagine having raised three sons all willing to work and attain dreams. Willing to set a goal to work for.

The old man (that is as polite as I can be to him in conversation) is nothing more than a fool and scum. His grandchildren, the only grandchildren he has, are going to make a mark on the world and his family will not be there. His memory will not be honored as being a good man. A sad comment on a man that fathered a daughter that went on to raise strong young men that will one day be achievers in their lives.

His choice and I have no respect for him for making that choice.

[CinderEmma]

He sounds like a piece of work. I'm sorry for your sister, it's hard for somebody who's your blood to abandon you. The two person who's SUPPOSED to be there for you are parents, and it really hurts when they make such horrible choices. It was similar in the fact that I thought my father loved me (well, honestly, I do think he does love me, but not in a healthy way) and he couldn't give me the two things I needed from him - unconditional love and a healthy relationship. He always had expectations for me, and if I didn't meet him, he would yell and belittle me. He would yell/belittle me less then many other people, but still enough to really hurt me and affect my self-esteem. And it wasn't healthy, enough that as an 11 year old, I asked my father to try to fix our relationship because I was tired of not knowing what to say to make him not angry. And although I didn't have the words for it, I was really scared of him, and he was starting to push boundaries. Like, he would lie in bed with in his underwear, constantly watching around in said underwear, stepping on his back (he had arthritis, or some other form of "bone pain"), etc. And we played games and watched movies that are 14+ and M from the time I was 9. He had good qualities, like I said, I do believe he loved/loves me. He never blames ME for anything, he blames my mom. And for my father, who blames everybody for everything, that's something. He showed me how to play video games (even though they were inappropriate), he did spend time with me every weekend, and didn't just shove me in a corner (except when he had a girlfriend), bought me stuff (though undermining my mom sometimes with it), taught me how to play chess, and once we played with a remote control airplane at the playground. Just not enough to keep in an unhealthy relationship, but enough to not completely hate him, just pity him with bouts of anger mixed in.

[Lance]

I am not sure if it's right to blame someone for not loving you. Love is never one's rational choice.

[VerDeTerre]

I am not sure if it's right to blame someone for not loving you. Love is never one's rational choice. You're right, it's not a rational choice, but there is something terribly, terribly wrong in a parent that does not love, protect, and nurture his young. The actions that follow that lack of natural bonding - neglect or abuse, are blameworthy.

[Lance]

Some people lack sexual instinct. Some people lack self-defense instinct. You do not go around telliing how terribly inhuman that is.
But there're people who lack parenting instinct and I'm afraid most of them have children anyway because of all the social pressure.

[VerDeTerre]

Some people lack sexual instinct. Some people lack self-defense instinct. You do not go around telliing how terribly inhuman that is.
But there're people who lack parenting instinct and I'm afraid most of them have children anyway because of all the social pressure.

For the people who lack self-defense or sexual instinct (although I've never come across one) I would use the same words: there is something very very wrong with them. I did not say inhuman, but if you want you could look at it that way. I would be more inclined to say they are unnatural.

There is a lot of social pressure to marry and have families. And it's possible that those who have proven to be bad parents are motivated by that, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. There are many reasons that people reproduce. I haven't heard or read enough to know about the parallel you're suggesting to feel convinced one way or the other, but it's a worthwhile hypothesis to entertain

Natural or not, if they do chose to have children, then I would blame them for not nurturing, protecting, and caring for their young, or at the very least, giving them to people who will.

[SimsLover50]

I can only say from my experience, that it is hard for some to parent if they can't see beyond their own mirror. my father for instance is a narcissist and a hoarder. These people pretend very well, and thus get involved with people who think they are normal and do not see the problems. I'm still not sure why my father chose to reproduce since he doesn't parent at all beyond providing financial support (which is a very big deal since some do not even do that.). He is incapable/or doesn't want to feel for others. He's incapable of parenting. His only interest is in what personally affects him and his own business concerns. Narcissism is sadly, an effect survival trait.

I think some people exist in their own reality.

Sadly, I do not think it is very uncommon for one parent to not be engaged. If a bond is not formed with a child at a young age, and (often in people of my parent's generation the father was away a lot), this occurs.

My only advice is to not to take it personally.

[CinderEmma]

I want to say to Lance that I do believe that I don't completely blame him sometimes. I believe he's missing a piece of himself that has empathy towards others. I understand how he's the way he is. My grandmother is manipulative, and my grandfather, while I knew him as a super sweet guy, was an active alcoholic for my father's childhood. Still, my mother had a WAY worse childhood (I'm not at liberty to discuss any of it), and she has become a loving, if self-deprecating, mother who has worked hard to overcome her lousy childhood. She hasn't let a bad past ruin her life and relationships, like he did.
Like I said in my case, I believe my father loved me. There is no denying this in my mind. He wasn't there for some of my earlier childhood, but I do believe he thought of me as a younger version of him. Or something. But he had more positive interactions with me then other people I saw him with, except girlfriends. I just think he doesn't know what healthy love is.

[Lance]

Natural or not, if they do chose to have children, then I would blame them for not nurturing, protecting, and caring for their young, or at the very least, giving them to people who will. When I made my initial comment about love I kept in mind the situation when one of the parents leaves the family and never contacts their children thereafter. They know the children will be taken care of. The nobler ones even (voluntarily) send the money for the children. What else would you ask of those people? Even if you can make them to visit the children, it will be tiresome duty for them and without love they won't be able to satisfy the emotional demand of the children anyway.

[VerDeTerre]

When I made my initial comment about love I kept in mind the situation when one of the parents leaves the family and never contacts their children thereafter. They know the children will be taken care of. The nobler ones even (voluntarily) send the money for the children. What else would you ask of those people? Even if you can make them to visit the children, it will be tiresome duty for them and without love they won't be able to satisfy the emotional demand of the children anyway. Ah, I see! I agree with that. I was thinking of the people who neglect or abuse their young. But, it's still not natural. I suspect that something interfered with the natural bonding that occurs between parent and child.