Distant Cousins

[HystericalParoxysm]

How close is too close for comfort? In the US, some states allow marriage of first cousins - some don't. Some prohibit marriage of double cousins (I'm guessing this is if two brothers each marry one of two sisters).

If you learned your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever was, say, your third cousin, would it squick you out? How close would be okay? And "not related at all" isn't an option, as -everyone- is related, if you go back far enough. ;)


(I'm watching Bee Movie and the main characters are thinking of flirting with some girl bees but they're apparently first cousins with one - and distant cousins with some others. Yes, the conversations of cartoon bees inspire weird tracks of thought in my head.)

[Honeywell]

If I know they're family it's too close.

[jooxis]

It's interesting actually. I can't feel anything for my first cousins because we've grown up together and I would find it extremely off-putting and gross to think about them in that way.
But I have only recently met some distant cousins and I could not feel that they were "family". I've never met them before in my life or even knew they existed. No matter how I looked at it, deep inside I just could not feel that 'family bond' - meaning, I could probably even find them attractive if I tried, although I wouldn't want to.

Theoretically, if I learned that my current boyfriend is my cousin (although I know he is not) it would feel very strange and confusing but I wouldn't be able to break up with him because I love him. Although it would definitely change things and maybe in the long run lead to a break-up - still, I wouldn't immediately just break it off upon finding out.

Ideally, I would prefer my partner to be as non-related to me as possible.

[Lobelia Overhill]

Over here in Ireland, you often find your grandparents were first, or second cousins, the effect of the population being decimated due to the Famine and subsequent emigration ...

I should imagine the same can be said in many countries with small populations.

Don't see too many one eyed, two headed, three legged people around ... so maybe the genepool is a bit stronger than people think...?

[fakepeeps7]

Since I've done genealogy, I'd know if I was dating anything up to about a fifth cousin or so. I don't think it would bother me that much if it were that distant. I personally know most of my first and second cousins, and I can't imagine dating any of them... but it's not because they're related to me. No offense, guys; you're just not my type. :lol:

I think it's less of an issue, too, if you don't plan on having any children. The incidence of problems from first cousins having children is pretty low anyway. Apparently, the risk of having a child with birth defects is about the same as if you gave birth at age 40. So the science doesn't really support a ban. I suspect a lot of it has to do with superstition and taboo.

[el_flel]

It's interesting actually. I can't feel anything for my first cousins because we've grown up together and I would find it extremely off-putting and gross to think about them in that way.
This, basically. I know my cousins on my dad's side, and I met a cousin on my mum's side recently. We aren't close, and although they don't really feel like family I am still aware that they are, so because of that could never feel anything romantic towards any of them.

I'm from a small coastal town in the south of England which has a history of inbreeding amongst the fishing families - cousins marrying etc. My mum's family are Irish and German, and my dad always joked that he married my mum because she wasn't a local.

Slightly off topic: this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4UuvWxrZtw) reminds me of my hometown! Tubbs and Edward are brother and sister and have a weird son called David that lives in the attic. They only like locals!

[Oaktree]

Technically speaking, every human being is distant cousins with every other human being. People in the same racial group are closer than people in different racial groups, but everyone is still fairly similar genetically speaking. Having kids with your first cousin slightly increases you chances of your child having a defect, but no more than the chances of a woman over 40 having a Down Syndrome child.

That said, if I had any male first cousins, I doubt that I would feel comfortable with the idea of marrying one of them. Considering that I don't really know any of my second cousins, I don't really know how I'd feel about them as family. I suppose it would depend on the context in which I met someone. If I met a distant cousin at a family gather, it would be too weird to start something with him. If I met him out in the world somewhere, I probably wouldn't find it as strange, though family gatherings would put a strain on things and I probably, in the end, would not be able to settle down with him because things would get too weird.

[Doddibot]

I don't even think I'd be weirded it out if it turned out a girl I was with was actually my sister. If I haven't grown up with them, I don't think I'd find it weird.

[fakepeeps7]

I don't even think I'd be weirded it out if it turned out a girl I was with was actually my sister. If I haven't grown up with them, I don't think I'd find it weird.

I think that actually happened. In... Germany? I can't remember.

Sucks for them because they just happen to share a lot of DNA, making their relationship technically illegal.

[Clashfan]

I am from a vast family and I've never met anyone from my father's side, he was the youngest of 12 children so you can imagine how many cousins I probably have. I don't think it would bother me if I somehow ended up in a relationship unknowingly with one of them. If I knew the family connection in advance I wouldn't go there however even though I had never met them before.

[liebundartig]

I think that actually happened. In... Germany? I can't remember.

Sucks for them because they just happen to share a lot of DNA, making their relationship technically illegal.

All I know is about that story in a soap opera (here in Germany).^^
Well I know most of my cousins. There are 3 first cousins all in the "right" age, 2 second ones quite to old and a forth cousin with whom I went to school.
With the first three one and of course the last one I spend more time than with the older ones. These four are all quite attractive, very nice and it's a lot of fun spending time with them. But I'm sure that there could or would never-ever happen anything. It'd be weird and feel wrong I think. :wtf:
As far as I know cousins are allowed to have a relationship in Germany but I am no more interested knowing this...^^
But highly hypothetical if I happend to meet them for instance in university and never had seen them before non of us would ever find out, I don't know. I mean I have not checked my boyfriend's family tree, I'm only confident that we would not find any ancestors to share. ;)
But I'm convinced whenever you happen to find out that your partner is related to you that will cause problems and often the end of relationship.

[mangaroo]

Honeywell's answer covers it for me. My father was an only child and my mother's family don't do the family reunion thing. From my perspective, my generation of the family consists of my siblings and first cousins. Anything farther out than that, I wouldn't recognize as "family." It would be more of a genealogical curiosity. Unless, of course, it completely freaked out my aunts and uncles. Then it would be inconvenient.

[Dragonleopard88]

My mom's side of the family does family reunion type thingies around every other year, and getting together with one of the guys there would be way too weird. Yeah, I agree with Honeywell and Mangaroo. What I don't know won't hurt me! If I learned someone I was dating was a really close cousin, like my mom's sister's kid, I think I might cut it off then and there. Telling him the reason, of course. If it were really distant... I think I'd let it alone. For a while.

[Vanito]

Chances of dating an unknown cousin are small, unless someone has made some illegal kids somewhere in the past. I wouldnt quit it off if I found out my partner was a cousin and the relationship was good and serious just for the sake of beeing related.

In the case the partner would be female, mixing family DNA would be out of the question. Biologically its risky, so any kid that would happen would have to happen another way.

In the case the cousin is male then I dont see a problem at all. Theres not going to be biological kids anyway.

Narrowmindedness is low in my surroundings, so the "its wrong" drama wont be much of an issue, taking into consideration theres not gonna be biological kids anyway. I wouldnt want it to be out to the bigger surroundings though, since narrowmindedness may play a role in getting jobs, etc etc.

[WayBack]

Chances of dating an unknown cousin are small, unless someone has made some illegal kids somewhere in the past.

My grandfather was a very active man. The number of his kids was somewhere around 25. Only one of them was "legal", seven kids were a result of his long time relationship with my grandmother and the rest of the kids were mostly accidents.

Because of this, my mother and her siblings picked their partners from different cities as this was the best way to avoid unknowingly sharing bed with their brother/sister :lol:

Would I sleep with a distant cousin? I don't even know who my distant cousins are. So probably yes, I would. I can't imagine anything sexual with people which I know since my childhood, even those who are not members of my family, but I wouldn't stop dating some interesting guy just because he's my second cousin once removed.

[Doddibot]

Sucks for them because they just happen to share a lot of DNA, making their relationship technically illegal.
Illegal in Germany. Legal in many other countries in Europe though.

[el_flel]

I think that actually happened. In... Germany? I can't remember.There was case here in 2008 where a couple who got married later discovered they were twins who had been seperated at birth (link (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7182817.stm)).

[Rawra]

Having a sexual relationship with a cousin, whatever he is (first, second, third whatever) should be prohibited, because it's the most disgusting and weird thing. It's like having sex with a brother or a parent. Exactly the same.

[HystericalParoxysm]

TheCreeper - Then nobody could have a relationship with anyone, if it's "first, second, third, whatever." We're all related. Everyone on earth is related to everyone else, to varying degrees, if you look back far enough. So that's the whole point of the debate - how far back is enough that it's no longer squicky? You've apparently established that having sex with any kind of relation, no matter how distant ("whatever") is squicky, so I assume you're a virgin and will always remain one.

[Selly_2009]

Honeywell pretty much said what I feel. I only know my first cousins on my Dad's side of the family, but Mum has a large extended family (took me two A4 sheets of paper just to work out the relationships!) and I would feel uncomfortable dating anyone that I knew was in the family tree. I know most of my second cousins on that side so I wouldn't be tempted anyway!

I'd probably say that the closest relative I'd be comfortable dating would be a third cousin, as they'd be sufficiently removed from my own line. I might be okay with a second cousin from my Dad's side, but only if I wasn't aware of the connection! :lol:

[appelsapgodin]

Honeywell sorta covered it for me too. I think I know all my cousins etc from the family going back in relations till my great-grand parents. So what would that make them? Like thrice removed? Everything after that would probably not bother me much. Depends on how well my 1st and second removed cousins would know them also I guess. Except if my Gran would totally freak out or something. (She's the one with the money, so I gotta keep her happy.. lol)

[Ghanima Atreides]

I don't even think I'd be weirded it out if it turned out a girl I was with was actually my sister. If I haven't grown up with them, I don't think I'd find it weird.

Heh, that's actually something that has crossed my mind when I discovered I had a half brother and sister I've never met. Since I don't know them, theoretically a relationship could have occurred without us realizing we're related.

I'm....kind of torn on this subject. Personally I wouldn't consciously get into a relationship with close relatives, but as far as cousins twice removed go...well, I only have one who's male, who I've seen about twice in my entire life. He hardly registers as a relative on my scale. But I have plenty of relatives I haven't seen in many years and wouldn't recognize if I met them on the street...

The only thing I'm against pretty much by default are relationships between parents/children, because of the difference in authority between the two (leaving aside the instinctive "icky" factor, of course). Even the most consensual of them would have an imbalance in equality.

[Falendriel]

This, basically. I know my cousins on my dad's side, and I met a cousin on my mum's side recently. We aren't close, and although they don't really feel like family I am still aware that they are, so because of that could never feel anything romantic towards any of them.

Exactly, though if I ever found out someone was related to me relatively distantly, I'd still be appalled a bit.

Not that it matters. My family comes from France / Scotland, and my fiance's family comes from the current Moroccan dynasty. I know our families haven't crossed-paths directly anytime in the last couple centuries, if at all really, since his seemed to have stayed around Spain and Morocco, meanwhile my family is predominantly North-European.

[fakepeeps7]

In a similar vein... I remember reading recently about the potential problems in one part of Australia with sperm banks. They were letting certain samples be used many, many times. The problem? All these babies are being born into the same community... and when they get to be of dating age, they won't know if their boyfriend or girlfriend is actually their half-sibling.

That could be much more problematic than a few people marrying their first cousins, as far as genetic issues go.

[Iris5467]

Think back to when Royalty only married Royalty... At times it was even acceptable (sometimes expected) to marry one's own sibling to keep the bloodline strong. I don't think distance relatives would bother me, and direct cousins would probably only be an issue thanks to the surrounding society. With the genetic testing available and adoption being a wonderful thing, even having kids is no longer the scary ordeal it could be in such a situation. Luckily I don't need to worry about this with my family being German/Portuguese and my husband being a British/French mix.

Even odder to consider though, I remember reading an article about kids who were adopted meeting their opposite sex genetic parents later in life (say, past the age of 20) and both of them being incredibly attracted to one another. The article claimed it was rather common. One of the pairs in the interview even ended up dating for a long time, since kids weren't an issue. Probably too weird for people right now, but interesting at the least.

[jooxis]

I don't normally judge outright, but I really believe parents who sleep with their children probably have something wrong with them. I can't not be judgemental if I would meet a man who sleeps with his eighteen year-old daughter, whom he raised since birth. Creepy factor is high.

[simbalena]

I can't not be judgemental if I would meet a man who sleeps with his eighteen year-old daughter, whom he raised since birth.

Could you be equally as judgmental of a mother slept with her twenty year old son who she has never known?

[el_flel]

^ If they continued to have sex after they found out they were mother and son, or if they stopped once they found out?

[simbalena]

I don't know... I'm just posing a question because every case is different and it seems a bit judgmental (and easy) to blame a father who abuses the daughter he raised when there are also mothers who sleep with the sons who they didn't raise.

I was thinking of the mother who gave her son up for adoption, then found him when he was a teenager and slept with him when he didn't know she was his mother. That should be considered in the same category as a parent who abuses a child they have raised since birth.

[el_flel]

I think jooxis was just giving an example, I don't think that it being father-daughter necessarily meant anything. If that parent knew that the person they were sleeping with was their child then it's wrong to have done so, whether it was a mother-son, father-daughter, or mother-daughter, or father-son.

[jooxis]

I only gave an example, I'd feel the same if it was mother-son, father-son, mother-daughter.

I suppose it would be a different situation if they only met for the first time as adults. Especially if they didn't know they were related.

I was specifically talking about parents who raised their children as babies. This would actually include adoptive parents too - it would be equally as creepy as biological ones, given that they raised the child their whole life.
If both are adults, I can't complain - and if they're happy, that's great. But I still don't think mentally stable people can mix parental and sexual feelings.

[fakepeeps7]

There was a guy in Australia who had sex (and a baby) with his biological daughter. He didn't raise her, but he did leave when she was a baby. That, to me, is kind of gross. She wouldn't have any memories of her father to make it weird, but he sure would.

[grumpy_otter]

http://punditkitchen.com/2010/08/03/political-pictures-marriage-visual/#comments

Saw this today and thought of you!

[el_flel]

^ Now that is hilarious!

[Vanito]

The "ugh.. weird.. uncomfortable" feeling is programmed in by evolution eliminating those who did make babies with family members, as their chances of survival were lower. The feeling does not come out of nowehere. Double up ressesive genes in the child and you may have a medcial issue, which is exactly why some countries forbid inbreeding. Technically it only makes sense to forbid the relationships between fertile, hetero or bi-sexual family members as the main issue here is BABIES.

[Clashfan]

Consider the outcome of poor old Oedipus he ended up married to his mother without knowing it, fathered 4 very disturbed children and then of course blinded himself once he found out the truth (I didn't even mention the patricide). So what moral were the Greeks trying to tell with this story? Simply that incest is wrong even if you don't know it's incest when your committing it?

[anothereyjana]

Honestly, I would be severely wierded out. Even if I didn't know them, anything except extremely extremely extremely distant would wierd me out. Yes, it's more of a social thing than anything else, and that cousin and even sibling marrying were common in the past, but it would just squick me way too much.

el flel, that clip was hilarious! I loved that the local shop just had a sign that said "local shop" on it. Although, the female shopkeeper (Tubbs?) looks like Stephen King in a dress. o__0;

[crocobaura]

I grew up knowing most of my cousins, including grandchildren of my grandparents' brothers/sisters and their cousins. I wouldn't be able to have a romantic relationship with any of those people, but I wouldn't freak out too much if I found out some new partner is related to me, unless it's a (half)brother, close cousin or such.

[Mistermook]

Consider the outcome of poor old Oedipus he ended up married to his mother without knowing it, fathered 4 very disturbed children and then of course blinded himself once he found out the truth (I didn't even mention the patricide). So what moral were the Greeks trying to tell with this story? Simply that incest is wrong even if you don't know it's incest when your committing it?
Going to the Greeks for relationship advice? Maybe we should all be careful about angering Poseidon too, and comparing our beauty to the gods? I dunno, sounds chancy. :)

[edejan]

http://punditkitchen.com/2010/08/03/political-pictures-marriage-visual/#comments

Saw this today and thought of you!

I didn't think marriage between first cousins was legal anywhere in the US. Thanks for the interesting if creepy info!!

On the other hand, I have moved into a farming community a few years ago and there are still mostly descendants of the original settler farmers living here. I found out that the locals (especially those associated with a strong church group here) actually send out to other states for marriageable mates (within their religion) since they're all so interrelated. Honestly, there are only about 5 family names in this area and everyone you meet is related to everyone else you meet. I found that odd moving here from the city.

[Mistermook]

I'm not sure if I find the idea of mailing away for brides less creepy than marrying people with tenuous genetic ties to yourself. Then again, I'm old enough that I find the idea of people interacting with people on the internet only and claiming they're dating a little creepy too - I guess I'm old fashioned enough that I don't consider someone a girlfriend until we've exchanged fluids in some way?

[edejan]

I'm not sure if I find the idea of mailing away for brides less creepy than marrying people with tenuous genetic ties to yourself. Then again, I'm old enough that I find the idea of people interacting with people on the internet only and claiming they're dating a little creepy too - I guess I'm old fashioned enough that I don't consider someone a girlfriend until we've exchanged fluids in some way?

LOL! Yeah, I'm from that generation too!

[Rawra]

TheCreeper - Then nobody could have a relationship with anyone, if it's "first, second, third, whatever." We're all related. Everyone on earth is related to everyone else, to varying degrees, if you look back far enough. So that's the whole point of the debate - how far back is enough that it's no longer squicky? You've apparently established that having sex with any kind of relation, no matter how distant ("whatever") is squicky, so I assume you're a virgin and will always remain one.

Yeah, you've got a point on that. But I'm not a virgin :P

[appelsapgodin]

This ties in really well with this discussion. It has a chart too, and the chart is awesome.

http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/the_non-expert/can_we_date.php

[romyhorse]

Am I the only one who has dated their first cousin? No, I don't come from some remote backwater community, I'm well educated, had dated other men, but what can I say? He was cute!

[fakepeeps7]

Am I the only one who has dated their first cousin? No, I don't come from some remote backwater community, I'm well educated, had dated other men, but what can I say? He was cute!

Well, you might be the only one on this forum, but you're not the only one in the world.

If I had a cute, kind, funny, sweet first cousin, I might date him. The existing relationship wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker. However, I don't have any cute, kind, funny, sweet first cousins... so it's kind of a moot point. :lol:

[MaydayParade]

Because of this, my mother and her siblings picked their partners from different cities as this was the best way to avoid unknowingly sharing bed with their brother/sister :lol:


That's exactly what I'd do. I'd find a partner who lived as far away as possible, there wold be the teenyist tinyist chance that that person would be directly related but that would be uber unlikely. :)

Anyone I know who is related to me is to close. I would get with a second cousin if I didn't know that they were my second cousin, but if I knew I'd be uber grossed out. :rofl:

[crocobaura]

Gah, a couple of weeks ago a first cousin told me I love you instead of good bye and reminded me of this thread. Totally creeped me out. BLEAH! :wtf: (we need a puking smily)

[el_flel]

In the UK there's a documentary on tomorrow night at 8pm on channel 4 called When First Cousins Marry (http://www.radiotimes.com/ListingsServlet?event=10&channelId=132&programmeId=125581266&jspLocation=/jsp/prog_details_fullpage.jsp).

[Elyasis]

My step mom's parents were first cousins. I think that explains a lot about her.

[Ricky5142]

I'm just posing a question because every case is different

[jadesstar]

My husband is a member of a Native American tribe and it's quite small. He's told me that he went looking for relationships "off the reservation" because he's related to everyone in the tribe to some degree and it wierded him out to be dating a relative.

I have tons of cousins on both sides, but most were not in my age range, or didn't live around here, in order for me to even have the chance to date them. I do remember having a crush on one older first cousin when I was like 8 (he was at least 20 and engaged), but it was just one of those passing kiddie crushes.