View Full Version : Naive Ambitions (Chapter1-5)
3rd May 2007, 01:52 PM
I would really appreciate and comments or suggestions. This is my first story
I have ever posted for the world to see. Enjoy! I'm not sure I posted this right but if you click on view comments, they are four chapters here.
Chapter 1 - Chapter 5
3rd May 2007, 01:56 PM
3rd May 2007, 01:58 PM
3rd May 2007, 02:03 PM
3rd May 2007, 02:03 PM
Chapter 4 con't
3rd May 2007, 05:05 PM
This is good so far! I'd like to read more!
3rd May 2007, 05:10 PM
Wow! No one's commented on this yet? I'm surprised. (edit: okay, so i took 10 minutes writing this and now it's not true...) This looks like a really intriguing story, and I like the way you've tied everything in together: the love interest, the job, her roommate's job... I can only expect it's going to get really exciting soon!
I have a few little points you might want to consider, though:
1. You spelled naive right in the text, but wrong in the title. Maybe wanna fix that? :) The title is pretty important because it's what gets people to look at your story, so you don't want it to have errors in it.
2. Your pictures are largely good, but you need to clean them up a bit-- no more plumbbobs, thought/talk balloons, or ceilingless houses. Here's my favorite picture tutorial, which will teach you how to fix those little issues, and also teach you to take scary-awesome pics for contests and such if you like:
3. Dialogue is more interesting to read when it's written out. I can't really explain it, so I'll just give an example.
Gerome: It's late and there's no need for you to drive me back to the Lab and then have to go home, I'll just call a cab. Thanks for inviting me Kaitlyn, it was fun.
Kaitlyn: I'm glad you came.
Then, right after that, you did it PERFECTLY :D
Kaitlyn leaned into Gerome and tenderly pressed her lips to his.
"Goodnight Gerome." She darted to her car, not giving him a chance to react, and drove home.
Do you see the difference? In the second example, you've included action and motivation. You don't have to do that every time someone speaks, but it's much more dynamic than putting their name ahead of their lines every time. Let's change up the first example so you can see what I mean.
Gerome walked Kaitlyn out to her car. "It's late and there's no need to drive me back to the Lab and then have to go home, I'll just call a cab. Thanks for inviting me Kaitlyn, it was fun."
Kaitlyn smiled and said softly, "I'm glad you came." Then she leaned into Gerome and...
You don't always have to say 'he said' or 'she said' or add some action after every line, it's okay to just have plain dialogue. But it looks more professional if you leave out the Name: thing.
4. You might find it less restrictive to use normal text, instead of inserting it in the pictures. That way you can write as much as you want for each picture without worrying about the length of the image, and you can go back and edit it after if you mess up something. That's just my personal feeling on it though; I'm always messing up and changing stuff because I'm fickle like that.
I hope I wasn't harsh on you; I really do like your story and I want to read the rest of it. Feel free to ignore my criticisms if you don't agree; they're just my observations. Keep on writing :D
3rd May 2007, 05:16 PM
Not harsh at all...I really appreciate it. I did quit doing the dialog that way, I thought it would be easier to read, but like you, I didn't like the sterile effect.
I'm off to check out the link you provided.... thanks again.
4th May 2007, 01:24 PM
4th May 2007, 01:28 PM
4th May 2007, 01:29 PM
4th May 2007, 01:33 PM
4th May 2007, 02:58 PM
Geez! Here I thought you'd put enough stuff to look forward to and figure out in the first installment. There is so much going on now; I have to find out what's going to happen next. And you did a really good job with everything I suggested and more :) Your dialogue is fantastic. Keep it going! Whee!
(I just woke up so sorry if I'm incoherent or overly silly o.O)
5th May 2007, 08:21 PM
5th May 2007, 08:27 PM
5th May 2007, 08:32 PM
5th May 2007, 11:10 PM
Wow! More surprises! I about exploded when I read about Gerome's past. I like the mature tone you've taken with the story, and also the way you let us know what's going on in every character's mind. I am really enjoying this and I'm sorry no one else seems to be posting. Come on, guys, if you're reading, let our author know!
5th May 2007, 11:46 PM
I've just finished reading it up to date, great storyline, very intriguing.
One thing, could you add titles to the first few chapters, I got a bit lost when I first tried to read it as it jumped from Chapter 1 to Chapter 5. Thank you :)
6th May 2007, 10:19 AM
wow! finally caught up. you've got me hooked
6th May 2007, 04:41 PM
Eeeeee! This is awesome! Insanely real, but I love the supernatural twists thrown in. I can't wait to read more!
6th May 2007, 05:02 PM
Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate it.
Romy horse: I hope the changes I made helped clear things up a bit. I screwed up when I first posted. Sorry about the confusion.
Thanks everybody for reading....enjoy the update.
6th May 2007, 05:06 PM
6th May 2007, 05:10 PM
6th May 2007, 05:40 PM
Ooooh, no... poor Jayna. :( This is so nifty, though, I heart Vampires! :D I also love the speediness of your updates. ;)
7th May 2007, 01:49 PM
Short update! Will update again soon as possible.
7th May 2007, 04:38 PM
Great update! I love it! :anime:
7th May 2007, 05:19 PM
Ooooh where's Jayna? Suspicious! Great update, 'twill be interesting to see how this works!
7th May 2007, 08:04 PM
Thanks for the rating *happy happy dance, spin, more happy dance*
Will probably update this evening.
7th May 2007, 08:06 PM
You're welcome! I can't wait! :popcorn:
7th May 2007, 10:44 PM
Here's the longer update as promised....ENJOY
7th May 2007, 10:47 PM
7th May 2007, 11:22 PM
*Gasp* He's gonna kill Latasia? This is getting good! Nice job!
7th May 2007, 11:55 PM
8th May 2007, 01:06 AM
Thanks for the comments everyone. I really appreciate it. I'm working on
the pix now for next chapter.....these are a little difficult to get the effect I
want. Taking a little longer than planned. Hopefully will have update tomorrow.
8th May 2007, 08:21 AM
Yaay more and more excitement! :) Poor Kaitlyn getting that phone call... I bet it will all turn out okay but this is going to suck for them for a while huh? Nevermind the murderous vampires; there's love trouble! :p
Don't worry about taking some time to get it just right; you've been updating really fast. We can be patient... okay, we can /try/ to be patient. *shifty eyes*
(I think you changed Damon's name to Robert in ch. 14, though. Oops.)
8th May 2007, 01:14 PM
You're right I did. Robert is Jayna's brother :doh
I can update so fast because the story is usually two chapters ahead of what
I've posted. The next chapter slowed me down because a lot of photo-
shopping to hopefully get the effects I wanted.
My daughter reads it before I post....I'll blame that oops on her for not
catching it. :Slap:
8th May 2007, 04:25 PM
I just read this whole thing today (boredom at work) can't wait to read more. Great story!
8th May 2007, 04:29 PM
Ooooh, engaged, yay! The Vampire-ness should be fun (for us). ;) can't wait for more!
8th May 2007, 05:08 PM
8th May 2007, 05:10 PM
8th May 2007, 05:23 PM
Aww Gerome. Thats so sad. Awesome story!
8th May 2007, 06:15 PM
:( Poor Gerome, poor Kat... is it just me, or is Latasia insanely cool? :D Can't wait to see how this turns out!
9th May 2007, 06:14 PM
9th May 2007, 06:18 PM
That's it for Book 1. Thanks to everyone who read my story and thanks to the creators out there, without you a lot of this wouldn't have happened.
If you would like to see where the characters go from here I will be posting
Book 2 - Sweet Revenge? soon.
9th May 2007, 06:25 PM
This was my first story and I would like to share some observations with other newbies.
First, don't make family relationships above best friends....if you choose love, you have that jealousy thing going on...Kaitlain and her parents are super hard to work with because of this. I changed their relationship, but Mom still hates Kaitlyn, and dad loves both, their memories didn't go away.
Second, if you are using two newly created sims in a love story...play
them first....Jayna and Damon do NOT like each other. I spend hours playing
these two, just so I can have them in the same picture. Here's what usually
If you have Seasons and want to door outdoor shots, build a little shany or
something on the lot and stock it with hot chocolate and a fireplace, if trying
to do winter scenes. I don't know how many evenings the vampire confronta-tion took me because everyone was cold and need to warm up.
Here are some more blooper pix, kinda shows what we need to look out for
when doing a story....enjoy and thanks again. These photos are from the director and actors point of view.
9th May 2007, 06:28 PM
9th May 2007, 06:33 PM
Thanks again everyone. Remember Book 2 - Sweet Revenge?
9th May 2007, 07:24 PM
:lol: The bloopers are funny! Awesome job on book 1! I can't wait for the second one!
9th May 2007, 07:52 PM
:lol: Those bloopers cracked me up. And back to the story... nooooo! He can't be dead, that's too sad! Can't wait for the next 'book'! Will you do it in a separate thread, or here?
9th May 2007, 10:37 PM
Seperate thread. Does anybody know....do I mark this finished now?
9th May 2007, 10:48 PM
That was a great story, looking forward to Book 2. Loved the Bloopers :D
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