View Single Post in: Story Time Contest: Hero Edition
#213
29th Jul 2012 at 2:54 AM
29th Jul 2012 at 2:54 AM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27201 in 66 Posts
Round 2 Scores
Hello again and welcome to Round 2 scores. Once again, please be aware that individual scores are not in order of judges listed on the original post. Also, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal. Also, please remember that if everyone gets their next round in before the deadline, we can start Round 4 sooner!
Spladum
It's interesting to read the way your hero relates to the people that surround him and I have to say that I enjoyed how you handled that aspect of your story very much. Your previous and current events meshed well in this chapter, and Eric's "hero" outfit was integrated nicely. I don't have anything else to add beyond good work and I can't wait to read your next chapter/round entry.
Great job tying everything together! The characters are now beginning to make me feel more connected to them and sometimes I can even relate to them! The flow was great but often, I became lost, but then I quickly regained myself. I suppose it was just because of the "***" split. But I really love how much tension and conflict you're adding into the story! Terrific work!
Wow, that was a gripping chapter! Lots of drama here, and you've cemented who Dr. Cowsert and Myrna are very well... not to mention Dr. Pradyash... I could find little to fault in this one. In addition, the little tricky things in this contest are smoothly integrated: the costume is obvious, the excerpt is well used in a context that makes sense. Well done!
I wasn't expecting the romance at the end. Regardless of the doctor's words, I find it comforting (?) to know that Eric still has the compassion to care about people enough to want to help, even if he goes about it in the wrong way. You tied the excerpt in wonderfully; a little too good since, without italics/bold I actually missed it the first time. Wonderful use of the bonus without making it seem contrived.
ReyaD
This chapter went quickly from sweet to heart wrenching. I did not see that reveal with Liam coming at all - so that was a pleasant, albeit sad, surprise. Juliette's hero outfit was awesome and I appreciated the humor you integrated along with it. The cliffhanger leaves me wanting to know more, like who the hell was on the other end of that phone call with Liam?! Juliette is certainly in for a crazy ride (as if she weren't already).
Nice work with keeping the story flowing from one event to the other, and the emotions of the characters were much more believable! The originality of this story is incredible, and I want to say that I was quite amazed by that. The only thing that was iffy was the event.. it does help with the round one entry, but I am still a little lost to where this might be going. I believe that will be answered in round 3 through.
TA-TA-TUUUM! Dramatic ending there, wonderful cliff hanger.Perhaps a little predictable, but there are only so many ways that could have gone, if you want to have a continuing story.
I was shocked that Liam was "Judas". I love the way you incorporated the plot point, even if it is snaky as hell and just as mean. There are still unanswered questions but we are getting there: who wants Juliette at full power, what does this company really need funding for, is Juliette the fall guy so the company can get government funding to keep doing what they're doing? If so, why do they want to corrupt the others?
ForeverCamp
Artie got the short end of the stick - having the girl you waited around for return with another mans kids would certainly be an emotional kick to the gut. I am glad that he was mature about it though and didn't carry any ill-will toward Sapphira. Your inclusion of the quote seemed tacked on and out of place, given how she viewed her relationship with Artie last chapter - but I do like that you integrated the excerpt into the flashback/dream with, presumably, her father. Your pictures and staging were, as usual, fantastic and I'm both nervous and curious as to what role those dolls are going to play in future chapters. Should I be afraid for her daughters? I don't know!!
Great work! Though, I became lost near the end.. those were voices in her head? How.. eerie.. I love eerie!
You did a great job keeping things going in the right direction and introducing a mysterious item that could possibly cause a major conflict soon! Kudos for that nifty idea!
Your "voice" (your sense of sarcasm and not-so-seriousness) caught me by surprise in a pleasant way and had me smiling. I haven't heard "white on rice" in a while! I like the way you wrote this time around, as far as I'm concerned, don't lose that! For contest purposes, you could also have simply subtitled the chapter, maybe something like this: "Facing the Future. 18 months later"... but I appreciate the summary. Anyway, the excerpt felt a little awkward, I couldn't see it making sense. She's the one leaving, and clearly not intending to get back with Artie when she comes back, but she doesn't want HIM to leave HER alone?
The excerpt was a little odd, her clearly wanting to be rid of Artie in Chapter 1 but then not wanting him to leave her in Chapter 2. I am rather concerned about those dolls. Right now I literally have NO idea what to expect with what is coming and whether Sapphira will make it back to Shang Simla or not. Keeping me on my toes is definitely a plus. Very good and overall subtle use of the plot point.
Melibee1323
You were over the word count, so points were deducted. The only criticism I have when it comes to your pictures (which are gorgeous, even despite this) is that the staging of your characters could be improved. I didn't notice this the first time I read through your story, but your hero's outfit (the bracelet) is missing in consecutive pictures after the"reveal" and because of this, I only gave partial points. I know you said that the importance behind the bracelet would be explained later, but it would have been nice (given the fact that it is first introduced into your story via this chapter and worth bonus points) to understand a little about its "symbolism." Despite those setbacks, it was a great chapter and I loved the cliffhanger regarding her mother's death and why Agent Wilson is coming to Suki now with this information.
The choice of words were great..though, some of the dialogue didn't seem very realistic. Otherwise, this suspense is nearly killing me (good thing)! I love the build up of the story; it has be aching for more!
I continue to enjoy your story, however on this round's bonus, I don't know if you noticed this but Suki isn't wearing the bracelet in any of the shots after her dinner with dad. I know you had trouble with your submission, so I'm cutting you a little slack, but given that your entry was in late, it would have been nice for you to notice, then take the time to fix it. In short, try to manage your time better. Experienced contestants know they need to keep writing, subject to adaptation once the new round's rules are put up. So, just so you know, you lost a point for being over the word count.
Your story is really good. There flow is interrupted in places, but overall, the story is very intriguing. However, I will note that your pictures don't really do the story justice. I suggest looking into pose player or testing different animations because a lot of your pictures are the standard sitting poses which detract from the 'on-edge' feel you've got going on. The use of the bracelet as the "outfit" is reaching just a little as it's not really in any of your other shots after she puts it on and isn't an outfit so much as an accessory. Also, clothes are not considered allowed CC.
Ghost_sdoj
It's a shame we didn't get to see more pictures - but I completely understand your game troubles (we've all been there) and I'm glad you decided to stick it out and still be apart of the contest. I do hope that your troubles don't prevent you from continuing because your story is getting more and more interesting. With regards to the hero outfit, I just know that I never want to live and/or be apart of any organization that dresses like that!
I like that you've continued to keep Lord Alfric's intentions semi-mysterious, as he still seems morally ambiguous to me (as of right now, I don't trust him at all), and I'm anxious to read about what kind of potential trouble he brings Kylara's way and how she'll handle it.
The story is unique, but often I became lost. This might be due to skipping forward slightly from the first round chapter. I'm so sorry to hear about your computer problems! I understand how irritating it can be.. but the lack of pictures can affect the way you interpret the story, though, I know this was not a choice of your's. Otherwise, the story is still very original and well presented! Great work!
First off, I'm REALLY sorry your game is giving you so much trouble, but I commend you for not giving up just yet. Thank you. Having said that, the number of pics affected also the staging and scene scores, which is a real tragedy because this is getting good. Kylara's hero costume is so hideous that is can only be a costume. (Alfric clearly has no taste! LOL) I hope you can clear up the issues with your computer, I do want to see what happens next!
Hrm, I become more and more suspicious of Lord Alfric each time we see him. It's a shame that you've been having such issues because pictures would have been so nice to accompany the words. There are still so many unanswered questions. I am hoping to see another side of Kylara as, right now, she seems more the pawn than the hero. I want her to take control and whoop some ass!
Viva1994
You were over the word count (as you know), so I had to deduct some points. Anyway - the staging/pictures this chapter were great; the poses, in particular, really set the tone of the story visually! However, portions of the story weren't organic and left me slightly befuddled - for instance, the intermittent switching between conversation and reflection/thought. I will admit that I'm excited to read about what information Valentina may be bringing to the table and how far the rabbit hole goes with regards to who transformed Bram and why. Great job!
As much as I loved this story.. it reminds me a lot of another story and not much of your own little twist. Please work on that next time around. The words you chose were great and the staging was amazing! Also, your word count was about 300 words over.
I found this chapter a little difficult to follow. I think it would help if internal dialogue was distinguished from descriptive action with italics, a common enough visual device. Having said that, I did appreciate learning more about Suzanna's personality (fiesty one, isn't she?) I know the word count is somewhat difficult to work with, but self-editing is a good skill to have; it's just a matter of rephrasing sometimes. One more thing, please remember to be a bit more specific with your CC, certain ones are allowed, while others aren't.
300 words is a lot to go over. Part of the challenge of the contest is meeting the set parameters. I admit your entry left me feeling confused. I get the general idea of where the story is going but the flow of the story; switching between thoughts and actual conversation, the flow of events and mention of the past, all mixed very strangely and left me needing to read quite a few times to understand. Your pictures set up the scenes very well though and I love the choices you made for poses and angles. Crossed arms, raging, etc. They really helped tell the story.
Qnshr5
The reasons behind Brio's disappearance is a great element added to your story. I honestly thought it would be a cliche development, such as her simply not wanting the responsibility anymore or something along those lines, but an illness - along with the combination of her abilities taking a severe toll on her body - is fantastic (in a morbid way). With the return of Aron, it will be interesting to read how Helena/Brio handle the situation given her health circumstances and what she'll potentially have to give up (her life mayhaps?) in order to save the city/townsfolk again.
Very well put together! The screenshots were extremely believable and so were your character's reactions. The note at the end now has me even more curious than before! That was a great object to add that might cause future conflicts in the story! Awesome work!
Aha! The story is fleshing out and starting to make more sense. That's good! I'm not sure why Lorie still matters to the story though, and that kind of confused me. I hope we find out more next chapter. Keep up the good work!
Not only do I feel "in the loop" of everything that has happened and how, but the explanation does an excellent job of providing a segway into the next part of the story. The switch from past to present was flawless. I'm not sure that Mysterious Past was the best plot point to use for this chapter. Not You Again! would have been perfect for Aron's return to being terrors, in my opinion. Overall though, fantastic chapter.
Tamlyn
Graphical hiccups? What graphical hiccups? I thought your pictures were still gorgeous despite any graphical issues you were having! Also, is it sad or weird that the most interesting thing for me right now is why the hell Matt is walking around stark naked?! Your staging this round was flawless, and I loved reading about the inner turmoil of Zoe and her trying to suppress/control her powers as much as she can. I'm anxiously awaiting your next chapter!
The staging was excellent and the emotion of the character was very realistic! I just had a little difficult time following your choice of words and the situations around the character.. I'm sure it'll come together in the next chapter!
You said "Yay for working strange graphical hiccups into the story?" and I add "Yay for squeaking in under the word limit, too. Yikes! LOL I didn't notice any graphical hiccups, if you hadn't said anything. I never would've known. This was a really good chapter for you, I could find little to complain about. Good job!.
If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have never known about picture "hiccups". In fact, your screenshots do a fantastic job of telling this story without needing much elaboration. The little details really make such a big difference like the pictures on her wall, the actual "flush", etc. One question? Why is Matt naked? I feel like I can't get past that until I know.
Sabri5
I liked reading about Elizabeth's past and how she got into the circumstances that she is in currently. I also enjoyed reading her conversation with her sister and her attempt to both apologize and rationalize the decision that she made so long ago. The only criticism I have is your pictures are zoomed out too far and don't have the added visual impact that they could have if you were to zoom-in closer on your subjects. I can't wait to see what "job" Elizabeth has to fulfill and perhaps even see her daughter one of these chapters. :P
Just a word of advice: you might want to put space between the sentences in your story. It can get a little difficult to read at times. Otherwise, great story overall.. but you might need to work on the scenery a little more, just to get that imagination vibe going!
Ah! Now it makes sense, with Elizabeth being the hero! I love how Sarah is forgiving but can't quite drop the anger just yet. that's believable. I look forward to the next installment.
I am surprised at the direction this took, but in a good way. I like your story and I like the flashback that explained why Elizabeth did what she did. I think you could work on your picture angles a little more. They're in player mode right now but would have a much better impact if we had a "sim's eye" view. I am looking forward to seeing what Operation Alpha is all about.
Prawler
The entry form wasn't entirely filled out (missing the word count section) and you are below the minimum picture amount, so points were deducted for both. Despite that, your pictures were wonderful and added some nice visual elaboration that didn't necessarily need words to explain the mood of what was going on. I do want to point out that I liked the exploration of Ax's character through his interactions with Delaney and Roxanne. His last conversation with Delaney was particularly touching, in a morbidly hopeful kind of way, and given the circumstances - I think I would probably be torn just like Delaney.
One thing I noticed is that you didn't provide your word count (which is extremely difficult for judges to deal with) Also, you were one picture short of the required pictures (10 pictures). The story wasn't as confusing as chapter one. Thanks for clarifying what happened in that one! This chapter I had less of a difficult time following.. but there still were parts that made me stop and think. Very great improvement overall!
First off, I want you to know you're doing fine, actually. Writing in this way (with word limits, bonuses, etc) is very difficult, and it's not an easy thing to do. Just keep going, and I'm sure you'll find yourself improving with practice. Now, on to the rest. I love that your "costumes" for both Delaney and Ax were already in place, that made it easy! I think I could have used a bit more intensity in this chapter. Ironically, you used less of the descriptive devices I thought you overdid last time. There's a balance there... Just try not to make them quite so ... unusual, but don't be afraid to use them..
The excerpt seemed a bit rushed and forced and there were still some continuity issues. Overall, I like the idea of the story being set in another time. Your screenshots do a good job at setting the tone. I'm glad that Ax was able to save Delaney and also agree with him about her shooting herself. Though, if zoombies came after me, I can't quite know if I wouldn't react the same way! Remember to completely fill out the entry form and get all your pictures in. Not doing so loses easy points.
LadyAwesome
I liked that you added a little something to your story with the music video - nice touch. Ala and Verne's relationship is certainly an interesting development and reading about her having to give up their first child was depressing, but also added a bit more characterization to Ala that I wasn't expecting. Great job and I'm excited to see what both Lottie/Ala and the mysterious spider-woman have planned in your next chapter.
Please make sure, next time, that you give your picture amount. That can be really helpful if you do! (saves a lot of time). Other than that, the story was great! I had a little trouble connecting to the characters.. but the staging was amazing! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
I liked the little twists and turns, and you filled out your characters quite nicely. I look forward to more
I loved that the backstory rounded out who Ala is. Knowing how vampires are using demons and demons are "harder" to create helps solidify everything. I do hope that Verne can let go of all his bitterness and help Ala in the fight but it's hard to tell now if there was ever really true love between them or just a match made between families. Who is the wall climber and what does she have in store for our heroine?
missroxor
Whew! Congratulations on hitting the word maximum on the dot! I think my favorite picture was the dream-sequence'ish one because you managed to show (not just tell) us how Jada's subconscious was interpreting the conversation between Rurik and Olivia - very creative! On that note, all of your pictures were fantastic and your staging is something to be applauded. I also would like to point out that I loved Jada's tattered hero outfit and how you managed to write it into your story. I'm curious about what Olivia and Rurik have to reveal about her father and how, as Olivia pointed out toward the end, they know so much about Jada. Great job!
Terrific job setting up the stage props to give it a whole different feeling! The creativity of the story is something that I have never seen before which makes the story very unique! I seriously cannot wait for more! I can't wait to see where this situation leads everyone!
Nice continuation of the story, it flowed very well for me. I'm liking the continuing mystery of Jada's past (though I had hoped to get the answers in this chapter). I could find no fault with your scenes. I look forward to the next installment.
The realization that she's been tainted with Red blood, with picture, is priceless. You've combined your words, sets, and poses/visual effects flawlessly. I love how you did the dream shot. What drugs are they giving her? Rurik seems like a sarcastic ass; I like him. You've integrated the outfit into the story quite well and I want to see how it plays a role in her story overall. I can almost taste the foreshadowing of the juxtaposition Jada will encounter: her father as the thoughtful, kind Mayor she sees as "Daddy" and the cruel, domineering "Fuhrer" that she will be told about, evidence in tow.
Hello again and welcome to Round 2 scores. Once again, please be aware that individual scores are not in order of judges listed on the original post. Also, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal. Also, please remember that if everyone gets their next round in before the deadline, we can start Round 4 sooner!
| Contestant | Total |
|---|---|
| Spladoum | 100.0 |
| ReyaD | 99.3 |
| ForeverCamp | 93.7 |
| Melibee1323 | 89.7 (90.7 - 1 for late entry) |
| Ghost_sdoj | 87.0 |
| Viva1994 | 87.7 |
| Qnshr5 | 99.7 (100.7 - 1 for late entry) |
| Tamlyn | 100.0 |
| Sabri5 | 94.3 |
| Prawler | 92.3 |
| Buckley | 00.0 |
| LadyAwesome | 96.0 |
| missroxor | 100.3 |
Spladum
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 41 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
| 42 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
| 44 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
It's interesting to read the way your hero relates to the people that surround him and I have to say that I enjoyed how you handled that aspect of your story very much. Your previous and current events meshed well in this chapter, and Eric's "hero" outfit was integrated nicely. I don't have anything else to add beyond good work and I can't wait to read your next chapter/round entry.
Great job tying everything together! The characters are now beginning to make me feel more connected to them and sometimes I can even relate to them! The flow was great but often, I became lost, but then I quickly regained myself. I suppose it was just because of the "***" split. But I really love how much tension and conflict you're adding into the story! Terrific work!
Wow, that was a gripping chapter! Lots of drama here, and you've cemented who Dr. Cowsert and Myrna are very well... not to mention Dr. Pradyash... I could find little to fault in this one. In addition, the little tricky things in this contest are smoothly integrated: the costume is obvious, the excerpt is well used in a context that makes sense. Well done!
I wasn't expecting the romance at the end. Regardless of the doctor's words, I find it comforting (?) to know that Eric still has the compassion to care about people enough to want to help, even if he goes about it in the wrong way. You tied the excerpt in wonderfully; a little too good since, without italics/bold I actually missed it the first time. Wonderful use of the bonus without making it seem contrived.
ReyaD
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 15 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
| 42 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
| 43 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
This chapter went quickly from sweet to heart wrenching. I did not see that reveal with Liam coming at all - so that was a pleasant, albeit sad, surprise. Juliette's hero outfit was awesome and I appreciated the humor you integrated along with it. The cliffhanger leaves me wanting to know more, like who the hell was on the other end of that phone call with Liam?! Juliette is certainly in for a crazy ride (as if she weren't already).
Nice work with keeping the story flowing from one event to the other, and the emotions of the characters were much more believable! The originality of this story is incredible, and I want to say that I was quite amazed by that. The only thing that was iffy was the event.. it does help with the round one entry, but I am still a little lost to where this might be going. I believe that will be answered in round 3 through.
TA-TA-TUUUM! Dramatic ending there, wonderful cliff hanger.Perhaps a little predictable, but there are only so many ways that could have gone, if you want to have a continuing story.
I was shocked that Liam was "Judas". I love the way you incorporated the plot point, even if it is snaky as hell and just as mean. There are still unanswered questions but we are getting there: who wants Juliette at full power, what does this company really need funding for, is Juliette the fall guy so the company can get government funding to keep doing what they're doing? If so, why do they want to corrupt the others?
ForeverCamp
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 39 | 15 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 90 | 4 | 94 |
| 41 | 14 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 27 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 91 | 0 | 91 |
| 39 | 14 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 92 | 4 | 96 |
Artie got the short end of the stick - having the girl you waited around for return with another mans kids would certainly be an emotional kick to the gut. I am glad that he was mature about it though and didn't carry any ill-will toward Sapphira. Your inclusion of the quote seemed tacked on and out of place, given how she viewed her relationship with Artie last chapter - but I do like that you integrated the excerpt into the flashback/dream with, presumably, her father. Your pictures and staging were, as usual, fantastic and I'm both nervous and curious as to what role those dolls are going to play in future chapters. Should I be afraid for her daughters? I don't know!!
Great work! Though, I became lost near the end.. those were voices in her head? How.. eerie.. I love eerie!
You did a great job keeping things going in the right direction and introducing a mysterious item that could possibly cause a major conflict soon! Kudos for that nifty idea! Your "voice" (your sense of sarcasm and not-so-seriousness) caught me by surprise in a pleasant way and had me smiling. I haven't heard "white on rice" in a while! I like the way you wrote this time around, as far as I'm concerned, don't lose that! For contest purposes, you could also have simply subtitled the chapter, maybe something like this: "Facing the Future. 18 months later"... but I appreciate the summary. Anyway, the excerpt felt a little awkward, I couldn't see it making sense. She's the one leaving, and clearly not intending to get back with Artie when she comes back, but she doesn't want HIM to leave HER alone?
The excerpt was a little odd, her clearly wanting to be rid of Artie in Chapter 1 but then not wanting him to leave her in Chapter 2. I am rather concerned about those dolls. Right now I literally have NO idea what to expect with what is coming and whether Sapphira will make it back to Shang Simla or not. Keeping me on my toes is definitely a plus. Very good and overall subtle use of the plot point.
Melibee1323
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 13 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 27 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 88 | 3 | 91 |
| 42 | 15 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 26 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 89 | 5 | 94 |
| 40 | 13 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 25 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 18 | 2 | 0 | 85 | 2 | 87 |
You were over the word count, so points were deducted. The only criticism I have when it comes to your pictures (which are gorgeous, even despite this) is that the staging of your characters could be improved. I didn't notice this the first time I read through your story, but your hero's outfit (the bracelet) is missing in consecutive pictures after the"reveal" and because of this, I only gave partial points. I know you said that the importance behind the bracelet would be explained later, but it would have been nice (given the fact that it is first introduced into your story via this chapter and worth bonus points) to understand a little about its "symbolism." Despite those setbacks, it was a great chapter and I loved the cliffhanger regarding her mother's death and why Agent Wilson is coming to Suki now with this information.
The choice of words were great..though, some of the dialogue didn't seem very realistic. Otherwise, this suspense is nearly killing me (good thing)! I love the build up of the story; it has be aching for more!
I continue to enjoy your story, however on this round's bonus, I don't know if you noticed this but Suki isn't wearing the bracelet in any of the shots after her dinner with dad. I know you had trouble with your submission, so I'm cutting you a little slack, but given that your entry was in late, it would have been nice for you to notice, then take the time to fix it. In short, try to manage your time better. Experienced contestants know they need to keep writing, subject to adaptation once the new round's rules are put up. So, just so you know, you lost a point for being over the word count.
Your story is really good. There flow is interrupted in places, but overall, the story is very intriguing. However, I will note that your pictures don't really do the story justice. I suggest looking into pose player or testing different animations because a lot of your pictures are the standard sitting poses which detract from the 'on-edge' feel you've got going on. The use of the bracelet as the "outfit" is reaching just a little as it's not really in any of your other shots after she puts it on and isn't an outfit so much as an accessory. Also, clothes are not considered allowed CC.
Ghost_sdoj
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 41 | 15 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 8 | 6 | 17 | 3 | 1 | 80 | 4 | 84 |
| 42 | 14 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 22 | 5 | 9 | 8 | 20 | 3 | 1 | 88 | 5 | 93 |
| 40 | 13 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 19 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 17 | 3 | 1 | 80 | 4 | 84 |
It's a shame we didn't get to see more pictures - but I completely understand your game troubles (we've all been there) and I'm glad you decided to stick it out and still be apart of the contest. I do hope that your troubles don't prevent you from continuing because your story is getting more and more interesting. With regards to the hero outfit, I just know that I never want to live and/or be apart of any organization that dresses like that!
I like that you've continued to keep Lord Alfric's intentions semi-mysterious, as he still seems morally ambiguous to me (as of right now, I don't trust him at all), and I'm anxious to read about what kind of potential trouble he brings Kylara's way and how she'll handle it. The story is unique, but often I became lost. This might be due to skipping forward slightly from the first round chapter. I'm so sorry to hear about your computer problems! I understand how irritating it can be.. but the lack of pictures can affect the way you interpret the story, though, I know this was not a choice of your's. Otherwise, the story is still very original and well presented! Great work!
First off, I'm REALLY sorry your game is giving you so much trouble, but I commend you for not giving up just yet. Thank you. Having said that, the number of pics affected also the staging and scene scores, which is a real tragedy because this is getting good. Kylara's hero costume is so hideous that is can only be a costume. (Alfric clearly has no taste! LOL) I hope you can clear up the issues with your computer, I do want to see what happens next!
Hrm, I become more and more suspicious of Lord Alfric each time we see him. It's a shame that you've been having such issues because pictures would have been so nice to accompany the words. There are still so many unanswered questions. I am hoping to see another side of Kylara as, right now, she seems more the pawn than the hero. I want her to take control and whoop some ass!
Viva1994
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 36 | 13 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 16 | 3 | 0 | 83 | 4 | 87 |
| 38 | 12 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 19 | 3 | 0 | 88 | 5 | 93 |
| 36 | 12 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 25 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 15 | 3 | 0 | 79 | 4 | 83 |
You were over the word count (as you know), so I had to deduct some points. Anyway - the staging/pictures this chapter were great; the poses, in particular, really set the tone of the story visually! However, portions of the story weren't organic and left me slightly befuddled - for instance, the intermittent switching between conversation and reflection/thought. I will admit that I'm excited to read about what information Valentina may be bringing to the table and how far the rabbit hole goes with regards to who transformed Bram and why. Great job!
As much as I loved this story.. it reminds me a lot of another story and not much of your own little twist. Please work on that next time around. The words you chose were great and the staging was amazing! Also, your word count was about 300 words over.
I found this chapter a little difficult to follow. I think it would help if internal dialogue was distinguished from descriptive action with italics, a common enough visual device. Having said that, I did appreciate learning more about Suzanna's personality (fiesty one, isn't she?) I know the word count is somewhat difficult to work with, but self-editing is a good skill to have; it's just a matter of rephrasing sometimes. One more thing, please remember to be a bit more specific with your CC, certain ones are allowed, while others aren't.
300 words is a lot to go over. Part of the challenge of the contest is meeting the set parameters. I admit your entry left me feeling confused. I get the general idea of where the story is going but the flow of the story; switching between thoughts and actual conversation, the flow of events and mention of the past, all mixed very strangely and left me needing to read quite a few times to understand. Your pictures set up the scenes very well though and I love the choices you made for poses and angles. Crossed arms, raging, etc. They really helped tell the story.
Qnshr5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 44 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
| 44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
| 39 | 14 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 28 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 89 | 4 | 93 |
The reasons behind Brio's disappearance is a great element added to your story. I honestly thought it would be a cliche development, such as her simply not wanting the responsibility anymore or something along those lines, but an illness - along with the combination of her abilities taking a severe toll on her body - is fantastic (in a morbid way). With the return of Aron, it will be interesting to read how Helena/Brio handle the situation given her health circumstances and what she'll potentially have to give up (her life mayhaps?) in order to save the city/townsfolk again.
Very well put together! The screenshots were extremely believable and so were your character's reactions. The note at the end now has me even more curious than before! That was a great object to add that might cause future conflicts in the story! Awesome work!
Aha! The story is fleshing out and starting to make more sense. That's good! I'm not sure why Lorie still matters to the story though, and that kind of confused me. I hope we find out more next chapter. Keep up the good work!
Not only do I feel "in the loop" of everything that has happened and how, but the explanation does an excellent job of providing a segway into the next part of the story. The switch from past to present was flawless. I'm not sure that Mysterious Past was the best plot point to use for this chapter. Not You Again! would have been perfect for Aron's return to being terrors, in my opinion. Overall though, fantastic chapter.
Tamlyn
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 44 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
| 44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 0 | 96 |
| 44 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
Graphical hiccups? What graphical hiccups? I thought your pictures were still gorgeous despite any graphical issues you were having! Also, is it sad or weird that the most interesting thing for me right now is why the hell Matt is walking around stark naked?! Your staging this round was flawless, and I loved reading about the inner turmoil of Zoe and her trying to suppress/control her powers as much as she can. I'm anxiously awaiting your next chapter!
The staging was excellent and the emotion of the character was very realistic! I just had a little difficult time following your choice of words and the situations around the character.. I'm sure it'll come together in the next chapter!
You said "Yay for working strange graphical hiccups into the story?" and I add "Yay for squeaking in under the word limit, too. Yikes! LOL I didn't notice any graphical hiccups, if you hadn't said anything. I never would've known. This was a really good chapter for you, I could find little to complain about. Good job!.
If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have never known about picture "hiccups". In fact, your screenshots do a fantastic job of telling this story without needing much elaboration. The little details really make such a big difference like the pictures on her wall, the actual "flush", etc. One question? Why is Matt naked? I feel like I can't get past that until I know.
Sabri5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 38 | 13 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 26 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 87 | 5 | 92 |
| 40 | 14 | 8 | 8 | 10 | 25 | 10 | 7 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 88 | 5 | 93 |
| 41 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 28 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
I liked reading about Elizabeth's past and how she got into the circumstances that she is in currently. I also enjoyed reading her conversation with her sister and her attempt to both apologize and rationalize the decision that she made so long ago. The only criticism I have is your pictures are zoomed out too far and don't have the added visual impact that they could have if you were to zoom-in closer on your subjects. I can't wait to see what "job" Elizabeth has to fulfill and perhaps even see her daughter one of these chapters. :P
Just a word of advice: you might want to put space between the sentences in your story. It can get a little difficult to read at times. Otherwise, great story overall.. but you might need to work on the scenery a little more, just to get that imagination vibe going!
Ah! Now it makes sense, with Elizabeth being the hero! I love how Sarah is forgiving but can't quite drop the anger just yet. that's believable. I look forward to the next installment.
I am surprised at the direction this took, but in a good way. I like your story and I like the flashback that explained why Elizabeth did what she did. I think you could work on your picture angles a little more. They're in player mode right now but would have a much better impact if we had a "sim's eye" view. I am looking forward to seeing what Operation Alpha is all about.
Prawler
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 14 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 27 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 88 | 4 | 92 |
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 25 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 18 | 2 | 0 | 87 | 5 | 92 |
| 40 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 27 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 88 | 5 | 93 |
The entry form wasn't entirely filled out (missing the word count section) and you are below the minimum picture amount, so points were deducted for both. Despite that, your pictures were wonderful and added some nice visual elaboration that didn't necessarily need words to explain the mood of what was going on. I do want to point out that I liked the exploration of Ax's character through his interactions with Delaney and Roxanne. His last conversation with Delaney was particularly touching, in a morbidly hopeful kind of way, and given the circumstances - I think I would probably be torn just like Delaney.
One thing I noticed is that you didn't provide your word count (which is extremely difficult for judges to deal with) Also, you were one picture short of the required pictures (10 pictures). The story wasn't as confusing as chapter one. Thanks for clarifying what happened in that one! This chapter I had less of a difficult time following.. but there still were parts that made me stop and think. Very great improvement overall!
First off, I want you to know you're doing fine, actually. Writing in this way (with word limits, bonuses, etc) is very difficult, and it's not an easy thing to do. Just keep going, and I'm sure you'll find yourself improving with practice. Now, on to the rest. I love that your "costumes" for both Delaney and Ax were already in place, that made it easy! I think I could have used a bit more intensity in this chapter. Ironically, you used less of the descriptive devices I thought you overdid last time. There's a balance there... Just try not to make them quite so ... unusual, but don't be afraid to use them..
The excerpt seemed a bit rushed and forced and there were still some continuity issues. Overall, I like the idea of the story being set in another time. Your screenshots do a good job at setting the tone. I'm glad that Ax was able to save Delaney and also agree with him about her shooting herself. Though, if zoombies came after me, I can't quite know if I wouldn't react the same way! Remember to completely fill out the entry form and get all your pictures in. Not doing so loses easy points.
LadyAwesome
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 41 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
| 43 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 95 | 5 | 100 |
| 39 | 13 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 27 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 87 | 4 | 91 |
I liked that you added a little something to your story with the music video - nice touch. Ala and Verne's relationship is certainly an interesting development and reading about her having to give up their first child was depressing, but also added a bit more characterization to Ala that I wasn't expecting. Great job and I'm excited to see what both Lottie/Ala and the mysterious spider-woman have planned in your next chapter.
Please make sure, next time, that you give your picture amount. That can be really helpful if you do! (saves a lot of time). Other than that, the story was great! I had a little trouble connecting to the characters.. but the staging was amazing! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
I liked the little twists and turns, and you filled out your characters quite nicely. I look forward to more
I loved that the backstory rounded out who Ala is. Knowing how vampires are using demons and demons are "harder" to create helps solidify everything. I do hope that Verne can let go of all his bitterness and help Ala in the fight but it's hard to tell now if there was ever really true love between them or just a match made between families. Who is the wall climber and what does she have in store for our heroine?
missroxor
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 95 | 5 | 100 |
| 43 | 14 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 4 | 100 |
Whew! Congratulations on hitting the word maximum on the dot! I think my favorite picture was the dream-sequence'ish one because you managed to show (not just tell) us how Jada's subconscious was interpreting the conversation between Rurik and Olivia - very creative! On that note, all of your pictures were fantastic and your staging is something to be applauded. I also would like to point out that I loved Jada's tattered hero outfit and how you managed to write it into your story. I'm curious about what Olivia and Rurik have to reveal about her father and how, as Olivia pointed out toward the end, they know so much about Jada. Great job!
Terrific job setting up the stage props to give it a whole different feeling!
The creativity of the story is something that I have never seen before which makes the story very unique! I seriously cannot wait for more! I can't wait to see where this situation leads everyone!Nice continuation of the story, it flowed very well for me. I'm liking the continuing mystery of Jada's past (though I had hoped to get the answers in this chapter). I could find no fault with your scenes. I look forward to the next installment.
The realization that she's been tainted with Red blood, with picture, is priceless. You've combined your words, sets, and poses/visual effects flawlessly. I love how you did the dream shot. What drugs are they giving her? Rurik seems like a sarcastic ass; I like him. You've integrated the outfit into the story quite well and I want to see how it plays a role in her story overall. I can almost taste the foreshadowing of the juxtaposition Jada will encounter: her father as the thoughtful, kind Mayor she sees as "Daddy" and the cruel, domineering "Fuhrer" that she will be told about, evidence in tow.
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."