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|20th Oct 2007, 07:20 PM||Limericks #1|
Join Date: Jan 1970
Writing limericks: an enjoyable pastime. Here's some of mine (minus one or two R-rated ones). Nota bene: quality varies!
I’m afraid I mistook my friend Matthew
When he bid me farewell with an “Adieu.”
My manners, par none
But my hearing is gone
And I said to him back, “Well, God bless you!”
My friend is quite flaky—he’s Trevor,
And he always attempts to be clever.
But he’s really a ditz
With his phrases like this:
“It’s like, well, you know, whatever!”
There’s a surgeon who’s also an artist.
And his favorite style? Why, the cubist.
When he does rhinoplasty
Things really get nasty
For in place of the noses, he puts lips.
In a tanka, the syllables leaven
The loaf that’s a Zen poet’s heaven.
He disdains the mantra,
The “om” and the chakra,
The best of the seven: the Professor
The others were clearly quite lesser.
But I remember the tan
Of beautiful Mary Ann,
And I mentally begin to undress her.
I invited him over for tea,
Just the website creator and me.
But my hopes for an amour
Went right out of the door:
His first love was http.
I am losing my grip on the facts.
In resisting my demons, I’m lax.
I’m sorry ‘bout Norman,
That door-to-door Mormon.
(I cut off his head with an axe.)
Oh one day I looked out of my window
And saw there a blue and white thin doe.
I yelled, "How dee doo dee?
Brass trumpet? Doug Flutie?"
And the deer drove away in a Pinto.
Back in the schoolyard with Sammie
In my dear old home state, Alabamie,
We struck up a tune
On our double bassoon
And we won a bright shiny gold Grammy.
In the zoo there's a lion named Bryan
He was born of a Mayan lion scion.
He told me a lie
And thus he must fry
That lyin fryin Mayan scion Bryan.
While digging in the old granite quarry
I thought of an old fairy story
It involved scary doins
'Bout Bazooka gum chewin
And made for a fine allegory.
It's a very sad thing I must do,
But right now I will bid you adieu.
For I've made you a present
Of my rhyming so pleasant,
And don't have enough left for haiku.
A tenor from the deep Serengeti
Was awash in his many libretti.
So he told his pet poodles,
"I'm in need of some noodles!"
And procured himself homemade spaghetti.
Here's one from the ads, it reads, "FOUND:
A periwinkle pig, slightly drowned.
If none claim this bacon
Then be sure I'll be taking
This damp sky-blue hog to the pound."
Here's a limerick that's like a haiku
I'm quite sure it's entirely new:
A man from Nantucket
With a porcelain bucket
Cried out, hototogisu!
What a haphazard scintilla of luck!
For Zack’s urges were running amok.
He stumbled into
a piquant ingénue
and they enjoyed a really hot cup of tea.
On death's door, the old wizard sent his
will to his loyal apprentice.
The boy leapt in the air--
he was the sole heir!
'cept his teacher was non compos mentis.
For his exit, the youth named Antinous,
made a great deal of effort to plan few fuss.
But his permanent swim
in the Nile was grim
and Hadrian's grief was continuous.
The laconic old monk of Gifu
grew weary of writing haiku.
A limerick, he thunk,
would dispel his stale funk:
A hermetic, mysterious djinn
Had a habit of scratching his chin.
When his musings would wither
He'd bid bar wenches hither
And they'd soak his dry brain with some gin.
On a Tuesday in June, Stephen Hawking heard
from his window, a jubilant mockingbird.
A thief: in its beak
a Chinese jade antique
(Not to fear--he'd long had that old rock insured.).
The witch untangled her broom
from the bleak funereal room.
Based on this lyricism
she was dubbed Ma Soleum,
her very unique nom de plume.
The witch was steering her broom
through the dense, mucilaginous gloom
when her bristles got caught
in a sepulchral knot
and she plummeted into a tomb.
Have you heard of the paranoid prince
whose precautions made everyone wince?
He set Byzantine traps
of stale ginger snaps
and unwrapped, half-eaten green mints.
The sultry moll sashays past Caesar
who sips at his tea, then he sees her.
He's sure she's a thief
so he orders his chief:
"Put on your armor--and seize her!"
It was a novel of prolix renown,
so artsy I started to drown.
After all, it began:
"daehknulon erau, oy! yan!"
Oh--I'm holding the book upside-down.
The broad, sullen potentate Matty
grew so terribly corpulent that he,
to become less distended,
sought out an attendant
who'd keep away sweets, for a flat fee.
His queer antics, I admit, they did worry us.
Then we found out he wasn't delerious.
He kept howling, "au revoir?
"ciao? shalom? aloha?"
We found out he was simply bye-curious.
Old Thoth taught Egyptians to speak,
to read and to write (now antique).
His head was a bird's;
when he printed his words
he used, not a pen, but his beak.
The old woman, Miss Madam Nicole,
on a jaunt, dropped in a sink hole.
She tore her chiffon
(it was all she had on);
she wished she had worn her mink stole.
I find myself terribly witty.
You may find me just terrible; pity.
You just can't figure out
what my rhymes are about.
Hey dum dee doo dah dum ditty!
|20th Oct 2007, 09:01 PM||#2|
Join Date: May 2005
hehehe i love limericks. those are all quite clever!
I like the one about holding the book upside down. hehehehehe
Eagles may soar, but bunnies don't get sucked into jet engines
|20th Oct 2007, 10:23 PM||#3|
These are excellent! Several of them made me laugh out loud and they all made me smile. I really like the first one, the upside down book one, and the bye-curious one among others. They're really clever and amusing, thanks for sharing!