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2018 MTS Calendar Contest - posted on 12th Nov 2017 at 7:48 PM
Replies: 9 (Who?), Viewed: 4729 times.
Test Subject
Original Poster
#1 Old 1st Jan 2012 at 5:55 AM
Default Incomplete Lyrics I've Written
I pride myself on being a fairly good lyricist. I'm almost constantly coming up with verses, chorus's and bridges, and I figured maybe if I share some of them with people other than my friends, I could get some feedback and maybe finish some of these incomplete songs.

1. "Whispers echo in the dark
Every word that breaks your heart
Red poison lips that I'm dying to kiss
Eyes like ice that I'll forever miss

You sing it softly, with all your heart.
Her perfection to match your own
She has the love I'll never know"


2. "Kiss me in the rain
Kiss away all the pain
Tell me every story that takes your breath away
Brush away my tears
Calm every fear.
My heart may not be gold, but it is yours to steal"


3. "The whispers of every word
You always said to her
Haunt you now her love has left
You think you'll never love another
The way you loved her
Yet you're finding another whose heart is yours.
Her love has worked to earn your trust.
Another love your heart has found"


I have several more songs that I need feedback on, but that'd make this post insanely long, so I'll start with these and see where we go from here.

Thanks!

"I don't owe you anything. You'll only die a dream, forgotten. I've got my pride so hear me sing, I'll never let you steal my coffin." ~ Coffin, Black Veil Brides.
You can check out my original music Here and Here
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Top Secret Researcher
#2 Old 1st Jan 2012 at 6:31 AM
Alright, let me start off by saying this. These are amazing. And weirdly enough I can hear someone singing the lyrics that you have posted. Yes, I know creepy. But still, these are amazing.

Don't give up. Whenever I can't think of a lyric or how to finish my song. I take a moment, hum a tune, and begin to sing it. And I kid you not, the words fill my head so fast, and I am writing. I love writing lyrics. But seriously, don't stop writing. Because theses...These lyrics are very amazing

"Queen of the Damned seeks knight in shining piercings for pleasure, pain and purring"--Scary Mary from the Urbz: Sims In The City

"A Famous Explorer once said: 'The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are.'"--Lara Croft from Tomb Raider 2013
Test Subject
Original Poster
#3 Old 2nd Jan 2012 at 12:06 AM
Thank you very much! For me, writing starts with a single line and a melody, and when I sing it out loud(everyone at work is used to me singing randomly), I come up with more. I then text whatever I came up with to my best friend, both for feedback, and so that I can't forget them later.

I have so many finished songs, lyrically. I'm working on recording them with my new acoustic guitar to get songs finished.

"I don't owe you anything. You'll only die a dream, forgotten. I've got my pride so hear me sing, I'll never let you steal my coffin." ~ Coffin, Black Veil Brides.
You can check out my original music Here and Here
Top Secret Researcher
#4 Old 2nd Jan 2012 at 4:19 AM
That would be amazing. And the tune with the guitar will sum it all together. And I know how it is. When I am writing, I tend to try my hardest, to get the lyrics right.

But your lyrics are very amazing, and what I can see, very heart felt. I love them ^.^

"Queen of the Damned seeks knight in shining piercings for pleasure, pain and purring"--Scary Mary from the Urbz: Sims In The City

"A Famous Explorer once said: 'The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are.'"--Lara Croft from Tomb Raider 2013
Instructor
#5 Old 11th Jan 2012 at 8:49 PM
This is an interesting vibe. I love it and its really amazing. Please more of this
Test Subject
Original Poster
#6 Old 13th Jan 2012 at 7:02 AM
Thanks! I've been writing a lot lately, mostly while at work, so I have a few new ones:

Ribbons
"She's winding ribbons through her hair
Searching for why they left her there
With eyes as white as drifting snow
And hair like the fire that burns your soul

She haunts your dreams
You let her go

Ghosts of all you did wrong
Leaving her to sing her song
A lament of all she could have been
As she winds the ribbons until the end"


Back Again
"Wishes like kisses
on the base of your neck
words like whispers
sending shivers down your back
The ghost of a a feeling
I'd rather forget
Honey, if you love me
Don't take me back.


Never Mine
"The sun will set for you
Lighting up your eyes
and will you call me
and say goodbye?
'Cause you never meant it
When you said your love was mine."


Soul To Steal
"Pass me the bottle
Pass me the lies
So I can forget all of our wasted time.
Tell me forever
Tell me tonight
It doesn't matter how often we fight.

Sing of the sorrow,
regrets that we hide
You hold in the anger
Pretend not to mind
Forgive me for faking for all of this time
Running in circles
It's passing us by.

Lie of tomorrow
Lie for your life
Else the truth become evident
In all you hide.
Hand in your soul dear
'Cause the devil stole mine.
Remember me fondly when you hear that I died"

"I don't owe you anything. You'll only die a dream, forgotten. I've got my pride so hear me sing, I'll never let you steal my coffin." ~ Coffin, Black Veil Brides.
You can check out my original music Here and Here
Lab Assistant
#7 Old 22nd Jan 2012 at 12:06 AM
So, I read the original post :3 and I really like it!!! I haven;t read any of the subsequent lyrics posted yet.... but anyway...
I really do like it! It's amazing. I don't know in what way you're planning to put it to music or the way you plan to sing it... but just for flow, I thought these relatively minor adjustments might help. To me they would make it sound a SILGHT more poetic. Again, personal opinion... just sharing my thought

1. "Whispers echo in the dark
Every word that breaks your heart
Red poison lips that I die to kiss
Eyes like ice that e'er I'll miss

You sing it softly, with your heart. =removed 'all'=
Her perfection to match your own
She has the love I'll never know"

2. "Kiss me in the rain
Kiss away my pain
Tell me every story that takes your breath away
Brush away my tears
Calming every fear.
My heart may not be gold, but it is yours to steal"

3. "The whispers of every word
You always said to her
Haunt you now her love has left
You think you'll never love another
The way know you loved her
Yet you find another whose heart is yours.
Her love has worked to earn your trust.
Another love your heart has found"



to me, this flows more poetically. But just consider it the constructive criticism of someone that likes to play with words 0_0 so no need to take it seriously or anything.

Check out my YouTube channels! Click Here
Test Subject
Original Poster
#8 Old 23rd Jan 2012 at 5:41 AM
Thanks for the feedback! Your suggestions make a lot of sense, but when I tried singing them that way, they lost some of the feel I had originally for them. But maybe as I finish writing the songs, I'll end up using your changes!

"I don't owe you anything. You'll only die a dream, forgotten. I've got my pride so hear me sing, I'll never let you steal my coffin." ~ Coffin, Black Veil Brides.
You can check out my original music Here and Here
Test Subject
#9 Old 20th Feb 2012 at 11:56 AM
one word=WOW

okay that wasn't helpful but anyways

Winners never quit and quitters never win.
Test Subject
Original Poster
#10 Old 20th Feb 2012 at 7:07 PM
Haha, thank you very much! I've been writing a lot lately, because I have two big things this year that I'll be using my lyrics for. One is I go to a summer camp at the end of July, and it's a rock 'n' roll summer camp, so I've been writing snippets to possibly expand on with whatever band I work with there.

The other is I'm working on an album, 12 original songs, that I'm going to record and share through YouTube and Facebook, so I need a lot of lyrics for that. I've got one song finished, the album's title track, and another song fully written lyrically, so there's a long way to go before I'm done with my album.

"I don't owe you anything. You'll only die a dream, forgotten. I've got my pride so hear me sing, I'll never let you steal my coffin." ~ Coffin, Black Veil Brides.
You can check out my original music Here and Here
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