I was reading up on the percentages of people who cheat, and the whys and so fourths yesterday, and found the numbers were astounding. They were covering the percentage of male and female cheaters. Here are some of the numbers.

Cheated with someone your spouse knows?
Male Respondent 42.04% (161) 57.96% (222) 383
Female Respondent 40.00% (166) 60.00% (249) 415

Did you cheat because you were bored with your sex life?
Male Respondent 47.34% (178) 52.66% (198) 376
Female Respondent 32.61% (135) 67.39% (279) 414

Were you unfaithful because of problems in your relationship?
Male Respondent 59.04% (222) 40.96% (154) 376
Female Respondent 65.45% (269) 34.55% (142) 411



Something to take into consideration is the vastly stretched definition(s) to what constitutes cheating. But even then, it makes me wonder if the human race is even meant to be monogamous. Are we fooling ourselves?

Even with the growing rates in divorce and failing relationships, is this just another sign that as a species we are meant to more, love them and leave them?

Some people are, some people aren't. Some are quite happy in open/poly relationships, and others could never deal with that sort of thing because of jealousy and feeling like that undermines their main relationship.

"Meant to be monogamous" is a difficult thing though... on a purely biological level when it comes to raising children, it's best for females to be monogamous so they have a stable, steady partner to help provide for their children... and better for males not to be so they can spread their genes around. But humans are a hell of a lot more complex than our base biological issues.

When you're actually with the right person for you and truly comfortable, happy, and fulfilled in your relationship, there may still be issues, but you will have much less need to seek fulfilment outside your relationship. This is not to say some individual couples aren't still comfortable with open or poly situations, but I think there's a deeper reason besides societal norm that people have jealousy and consider seeking affection outside their main relationship to be a bad thing.

I think it's a mistake to try to label humans as a naturally monogamous or non-monogamous species though. Humans as a whole have many different cultures and individuals within those cultures are all quite different. What is good for you may not be good for me or the next guy.

I do think more people need to look closer at themselves and not just assume that because the "norm" for your culture is one way, that you are automatically that way too. Relationships, sexuality, personal morality, values, world view, religion - everything should be something we try to examine and decide for ourselves.

Ever meant to? According to who?

Seriously, though, it's difficult to say--if we try and compare ourselves to other mammals, generally speaking, most species don't tend to be monogamous for long periods of times. Now, there are obviously cases, both within primates and within mammals as a whole, but they tend to be exceptions.

So, our earliest desires to be monogamous, if I'm not mistaken, stem from an emotional need for stability, as well as some uniquely human concepts of romance and emotion. It's also reinforced by the need for social binding contracts in early society, but those aren't always monogamous (indeed, the majority of social contracts, throughout history, for both genders, involve more than two people).

Are humans supposed to be monogamous? I'd be nice if that's the case, but besides our own artificially constructed culture and sense of morality, and romantic conventions, there isn't a lot of evidence to suggest otherwise. I think if you humans are to remain monogamous, it must rely a driving human instinct that is a fairly new development.

i can only talk for my self. and my experiences , and personally, i think it depends on the person. my ex an me were together for almost 3 years and within 3 years he cheated on me 5 or 6 times depending on who you ask... unless you ask him in witch case he will say "making out dose not count espicaly when your wasted" but i digress/.

i on the other hand.. never cheated and never will. i just don't think i could.. my conscious would kill me. plus.. when im in a relationship... im in it for the longhaul. not to say being single and messing arround with alot of people isnt fun.... i recently learned that it may even be more fun then being in a relationship haha

so in my oppion... for the most part... people do like the idea of monogamous relationships... they like being in them too. its just sometimes temptation can be too much for someone ... then go cheat on you with som effing stripper....

im not bitter i swear.

I agree Twiggy and HP in that it's a choice.

Biologically and psychologically speaking, men (like males of most species) are visual and opportunistic in reproduction in that the male of most species tends to wander around, find a receptive female, fertilise and take off. Some species have courtship behaviour where the male is supposed to set up house, support the female through pregnancy and the family through infancy.

The female is more selective, in that she chooses the best male to mix her genetics with rather than just rampantly spread her seed, mainly because of the energy it takes through gestation and infancy of the offspring.

BUT, both parties, once the kids have flown the nest almost always (save for some species like swans and eagles that mate for life) part ways and find other individuals to mix DNA with to try find the best combination to ensure that their genes are passed on.

Coming back to swans and eagles, there seems to be a psychological dependency development there that overrides the whole 'lets try as many combinations as possible, why put all your eggs in the same basket?' to allow monogamy.

So, whether humans have the same psychological drive or its society's imposed restrictions that you should be monogamous, most of us are (save for philanderers, mormons, sheiks and all). But men have been proven to be craving variation rather than sticking to the same partner (whether or not they indulge in it is a different matter) and so are women, though to a lesser degree. It just strikes me as so odd that one half of our species could be monogamous and the other half craves variety, so that's probably not the case.

So, is it just that women can conform to society's expectations of monogamy than men?
Or, are women less likely to indulge in extramarital affairs than men, despite having the same compulsion to do so?
Or, are men more likely to admit to infidelity than women?


EDIT: For below, I took it to mean that 40% had cheated etc.
By the way, Amish Nick, where are those figures from? 40% seems a little high for the general population. Did they select a particular group of people for the study?

I think you need more explanation of what these numbers mean. Does this mean that 42% have cheated and 58% haven't or is it the other way 'round?

I'd think that was up to the people involved. Sometimes the nature of the relationship isn't chosen by those involved- at one point, I was involved with two men purely because I didn't want to hurt either of them. I hated it, hated lying to each one (I didn't even like them that much), but I wasn't brave enough to tell either of them the truth.

Wait a minute! I guess it is everyone has cheated and 42% cheated with a friend of the spouse and 58% cheated with a person who didn't know the spouse. Is that right?

i dont think forced monogomy is a good idea.
look at the problems we have with religious figures and child abuse.
let them have their relationships same as everyone else and that problem will not exist.

Meant to be monogamous? Well... as several people have already mentioned, people are are just too complex for us to come up with a list of biological pros and cons work from there.

One of the interesting things I've noticed (and maybe this is totally wrong, I'm just basing it on what I've seen) is that even when someone cheats, they still expect their significant other to remain monogamous. It's a ridiculous double standard, but I suppose I can understand how it came about. When a person cheats, they're doing something sneaky, and (presumably) getting away with it. There's a little bit of a thrill that goes along with it, in addition to the... other benefits of cheating. But even while this hypothetical person is cheating on his wife, he feels duped when he discovers that his wife is also cheating. He feels like he wasn't good enough to satisfy her, wasn't smart enough to figure out that she was cheating, and wasn't clever enough to stop her. So even though he's been doing exactly the same thing, he feels understandably insulted.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that... most people would probably prefer their partner to be monogamous, and that humans are constantly being tempted by other offers because we're humans and screwing up is what we do best. Still, there are probably plenty of people who would prefer polygamy to monogamy, but I question whether or not two people who agree to be in an open relationship are actually even in a relationship. A relationship is nothing if not a commitment... or at least that's how I see it.

Exactly. Were we meant to have legs? Were we meant to have two eyes? Those things evolved, yes, but that doesn't make them meant to be.

Biologically, we humans form pair bonds for long periods, but not for eternity. I think it would be around five-ten years, maybe less (probably not more).

It's actually most obvious when you look at testicle size vs body mass. The female gorilla will almost never mate with another male (because her male will try to kill any male who gets near his mates), but a female bonobo chimpanzee will probably mate with every male (and female) she can. Accordingly, male gorillas have very small testicles in comparison their large bodies, and male bonobos have very large testicles in comparison to their bodies. Humans fall about halfway in between, meaning that at least in the past, human females mated mostly with one male but with a few liaisons here and there.

With our demand for cooked food, and our hunter-gather societies, and our long childhoods, there was certainly an evolutionary push for monogamy. And to be honest, it involved the male going out and bringing home the bacon (when he could) and the female doing the gathering and looking after children. But that pressure wasn't strong enough to keep humans together forever - there would be no reason for doing that.

But here is the important bit: what we evolved to be is not always how we should be. I could also tell you, and be likely correct, that there is an evolutionary reason why racism exists, but that doesn't mean we are meant to be racists.

You cannot determine how things ought to be by looking at how they actually are.

Doddibot, I think along the same line as you do: “what we evolved to be is not always how we should be.” It is all social teaching/manipulation.

Sure your not bitter :P

As twiggle said,
I can only speak for my self...
I've had two big relationships.
Both I didn't have any hopes on going forever.
I haven't cheated, never will. I disire stable one person relationships.
I haven't been cheated on, but the first girl...yes, we were young...had feelings for another kid and I was (and still am) more quiet and to myself.
While she had her eyes on the other kid (as I was told) he was active, (looked like a monkey) nice all around but more dudely to...well dudes.
The second girl....I have no clue why we ended...twice. She still likes me, I like her...wierd.

Most guys in T.V. and family members (GROSS) cheat or have fantasies about another woman and possible those fantasies come true....

Girls are most likey monogamous while dudes aren't...for now...I hope..

I don't know about meant to be, but you'll notice that women are generally drawn toward monogamy and desire it more than men do. Your statistics show that men cheat more often than women, perhaps as a result of them becoming bored with monogamy and wanting something new. I've also read that men are often more likely to take risks than women, which could be another factor that leads to infidelity. I do think that, generally speaking, women have more of an urge to cling than men do. However, being meant for monogamy is something to be determined on an individual basis and can't be judged with a species as diverse and capable as the human race.

I think from a biological stand point the answer is no... if the goal of living things is to ensure the survival of our race then monogamy is contrary to that.

BUT we are something more than animals... we have critical thought and as such we should respect the wishes of those around us. That means if you are cool with an open relationship then don't date someone who isn't.

It is all a matter of "Are you lying..."

If you know your partner is monogomous and you pretend to be as well despite knowing you want to give in to your sexual urges with other people then you are a jerk. Not because you are sleeping around but because you are lying to someone who cares about you.

That said I sympathise with people who have cheated due to an abusive relationship, etc... but that isn't the same as cheating on someone you have fallen out of love with. That's just being gutless - if you are no longer interested in staying with someone then leave, don't leave them hanging because you are too much of a wimp to face up to your responsibilities.

Although men are more likely to cheat on a relationship (although, not by much - if females were perfectly monogamous, human males would have evolved tiny testicles), I'd say that women are more likely to leave a relationship in favour of their new lover. Men are more likely to see it as 'just sex'.

That is why humans should be described as 'serial monogamists' - usually one partner at any time, but not just one 'til death do us part'. But it is the religious and economic ties of marriage that keep people together more than what was normal for most of history.

I remember reading somewhere an article that a couple (and by couple, I mean husband and wife) doctors did a study and apparently the only completely monogamous animal in the world is some type of sea worm that actually fuses itself to it's partner, mates and then dies. Interesting.

I saw this thread and thought about Deer Hunting which was brought up in another post about Deer Population Control and People hunting them to help the population. Biologically it might appear we are designed to further and protect the species, which some would assume means we are not designed to be monogamous. This can be taken to mean that being monogamous could diminish our efforts to ensure the survival of mankind. However look at our world population, I don't think we are in danger of under populating the world. We're just fortuante enough that the animal kingdom hasn't learned to use guns and takes weekend hunting trips to keep our numbers down! LOL
I'm grateful we live in an era that allows us to choose wether or not we want to procreate and if we want to spend our lives with some one. Think of the good old days when women were considered dried up old spinsters at age 30! LOL. When marriage was primarly about the transfer and preservation of wealth and land and in some cultures to pleasing of religous practices. Even then marriage wasn't soley defined as one man to one wife. Those days men married a few wives if they could afford it. Let's be honest, the way the economy is, I say power to those who think they can financially balance more than one girlfriend or wife and the drama one relationship can bring at times. Cheating is about being selfish. It symbolizes some one saying, "Yeah sure I told you were the only one but I want that over there now, and I'll think of a reason to justify it later." For instance , a wise marriage counselor, an Air Force Chaplain told me that Affairs usually aren't the cause of problems in a relationship, but more often than not the sympton or result of problems in the relationship." Or there is my other theory. There are just really messy people out there who will use any excuse, i.e. I'm engineered that way, to not keep it in their pants. It's a fast food microwave nation where people want what they want right now with little or no regard as to how it gets there. Why would the instant gratification of sex and companionship be an exmpetion. Hence Tela Tequila's wonderful example to the lemmings, who are unfortunately tomorrow's future, our youth.