Replies: 9 (Who?), Viewed: 1193 times.
Top Secret Researcher
Original Poster
#1 Old 18th Dec 2017 at 11:40 AM
Default thank you MTS
before i get into things i just want to warn anyone reading this. despite the title being positive this will be a very dark and potentially long message, so you have been warned.

i've said several times over the last year or so that i was giving up, but in those cases i simply meant i was giving up hope of getting out of this and was going to just try and live with this crap. i can't deal with it though, and this time i am giving up but i mean completely this time. i've already made my new year's resolution and it's pretty simple, i plan on killing myself at some point during the year. i don't know how and i don't know when i'll do it, but at this point i just don't care anymore. whenever i find a pain free way to do it and whenever i find the courage to do it then this life is over. i just want to be free, and no matter how much i want it and no matter how much i try i cannot break free. i've tried to push myself, but i have no motivation or confidence left at all and with no one around to really push me i've just fallen. my family doesn't care, i've tried multiple times to reach out to them but they don't do a damn thing. i can't do this on my own, i need someone here that i know and trust to help but there isn't anyone here. i'm all alone, and i can't be alone anymore that one feeling is killing me inside and i would rather die than feel alone. i just can't cope anymore, i don't see anything worth living for so i plan on just ending it. medications made it worse, and so did therapy so professional help just made me want to give up even more. i'll end this in whatever way i can, and since i can't seem to end it positively i'll just find my own way.

i can't even talk to people anymore no matter how much i want to and no matter how much i hate being alone, so what friends i did have left i've pushed away. my entire life i've never been able to keep friends, i lose them every time for one reason or another. i'm just not good at being a social person at all, i'm about as shy and as socially awkward as can be and seem to have a social anxiety that just keeps getting worse. now with my problems it's even harder to make and keep friends, i just ruin it every time. add that to the fact that my family moved every couple of years when i was a kid and i just never made any true friends until recently. i try telling people i feel alone but most people don't understand that, most people don't know what it feels like to truly be alone. i try telling people i want to find that special someone so badly but most people just say it won't help, then again so many of those people have someone in their life so how the hell would they even know how i feel? how does anyone else even know what will and what won't help? i've been single my entire life, and if there is one thing i am confident of it's that i will die alone. no one has ever shown any genuine interest in me, not even when things were good in my life, i guess i'm just not interesting or appealing in any way. you have no idea how much it hurts to be alone, to quote a song called Alone I Break "i stand alone, can't be on my own".

so i want to stop and thank those here that have tried talking to me and have tried to help. there have been a lot of people here that tried so i won't name everyone, but i will name a few that stood out the most. first off Goodywood. i know we haven't talked in about a year, but you were the first one that really reached out to me from here and i really appreciate that. you really tried to help though like with most people i try talking to i let my problems get in the way and unfortunately it was no different with you, but i still want to say thank you. Ghost sdoj you were also one of the very first ones to reach out, and you tried so hard as well to help and i really need to thank you. you tried getting me to turn to god which you really went out of your way to do, even helping me get in contact with someone from a local church. i tried, believe me i really tried, but it seems the devil in me is just too powerful and won't let go. HarVee, you became one of my best friends but of course as always i ruined that. you tried to make me see that even though i don't have what i want the most i already have enough to be happy about, but that pain within me is just too great to be able to accept things as they are and i don't think you fully understand. i know you said you no longer want to be my friend, but that's okay i don't think i can have friends so i'll just say thank you. PANDAQUEEN i honestly wasn't expecting much when we first started talking, but you ended up being someone that was almost always there and was almost always willing to talk. you were someone i could rely on to talk to, and believe it or not you helped me to forget about my problems at times and that was something important to me. you ended up becoming a good friend, but as always i ruined everything. i really appreciate you being there, so thank you.

i've saved the two most important people for last, Bigsimsfan12 and Bubblebeam. i don't think there's anyone i've talked to more over the last year than you two, and you both have been very special to me. Bigsimsfan12 you really carried me through this for quite a while last year, i most likely would have completely given up already if it wasn't for you. i bought a webcam just to talk to you, and while i was nervous to try at first i remember eventually getting to a point where i was begging you to talk to me sometimes just so i didn't have to feel alone. i don't know how you put up with me, especially when you have things of your own to deal with. Bubblebeam, you're also someone that has really helped carry me through this and i don't know if i would have held on so long without you. of everyone i've met i think you're the one that understands me the most. even though i have a hard time talking to so many people, i was able to talk to you pretty easily because i know you understand in a way that so many people don't. you're not much different than me, which is why i feel more comfortable talking to you about things that i would never even consider saying to anyone else. i know things are hard for you two as well, i know you both have your problems and that things aren't how you want them to be right now, and while i have no confidence in myself i have confidence that you will both be okay and be happy. i really need to thank the two of you above everyone else, as i said i would probably have given up sometime last year without you two. i rarely ever say this about my friends, but i love you both so much.

i originally posted here about what i was going through around june of 2016, it was the first time i opened up about it and for a while it looked like coming here with my problems was going to help pull me out of this. because of some of the people i've met here i was kind of happy for a brief moment, but i just keep falling back again. this is the first time i've said anything at all in about a week or two, and it will most likely be the last thing i ever say anywhere. i've signed out of skype, discord and basically everything i use to talk to anyone, so for those i talk to just know that i will probably never sign back in to anything. i wish all of you here the best, especially those that are struggling in life as well, and to anyone that tried thank you again for trying to help me. to end this i'll share a poem i wrote recently, not sure if i've shared this or not but either way maybe it will help show how i feel inside. thank you

Former Hamster
retired moderator
#2 Old 18th Dec 2017 at 4:37 PM
Well gee, dickbill37 (and your agree'ers) - If ya ain't got nothin' nice to say, feel free to stay silent. Refrain from letting your fingertips do the walking over that there keyboard. Just ♪♫Walk On By...♫♪ Keep yer tongue in yer head. Stop yer jaw from flappin' in the wind. Need I go on? Nah, point made.

And just so you know: you couldn't be more wrong. MTS is full of people who *do* care. Not just about haywud but other members too.
Mad Poster
#3 Old 18th Dec 2017 at 9:19 PM
Nah Maxi-pad. Come chat to me on webcam now I've got my house sorted! I'll cheer you up.

~Your friendly neighborhood ginge
#4 Old 19th Dec 2017 at 6:35 PM
Can I just whack fuckbill37 off a cliff? Preferably a high one, so he'll gain a falling speed which will warp time and beam him into the Nth dimension, as he shouldn't be here on MTS anyway.

If you remember me, I'm awesome!
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19th Dec 2017 at 11:54 PM
This message has been deleted by Johnny_Bravo. Reason: Banned
#5 Old 20th Dec 2017 at 9:36 AM
Even though I'm worried haywud won't see this-- have you tried switching therapists, maybe one that specialises more in things like Social Anxiety or will listen to you more about the medications?

I do know that there are many, many schools of therapy out there, maybe it is simply that the one you're currently seeing specialises in one that is incompatible for you personally.

Also, you did share a poem with us, maybe writing more would be theraputic for you.

I've been in dark times myself, like most people here. Even though I was never diagnosed or anything, I realise in retrospect that I went through a bout of serious depression when I was in college, and always felt kind of ostricized as a teen and kid in the town I lived in. And even though they've never been from suicide attempts, I have had a few honest-to-God brushes with death before. But, despite sounding cliched and patronising, the old adage about life being worth fighting for really is true.

You haven't exhausted as many avenues as you might think. Don't just give up.
#6 Old 20th Dec 2017 at 5:20 PM
Originally Posted by duckbill37
lol no1 cares

then just don't watch it instead of putting this on this comment,
by the way: don't you have anything better to do instead of putting a comment with: no one cares?

i'm sorry bro but no one cares about you so leave if you want too because nobody wants you here and take your agree one's too
#7 Old 21st Dec 2017 at 4:22 AM
If God exists he should make ducktroll end up missing forever and then and balance things by giving haywud better management of his feelings. Inner pain is making him see a permanent solution JUST to get a break from it. So haywud, you should find a way to cut that depression without the kys part because death is deprivation of everything. You're so focused on feeling awful or your brain has made a habit of it... I think you need to shift the microscope off of you and onto things that are outside. That's me trying to give "expert" advice on something I've experienced. But it's the depression that you want to end, right? For my own illness I went to have my brain scanned, got diagnosed and was prescribed a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and an antiepileptic. Works for me, I don't feel like it's exactly 100% paradise but it's waaay better than the mess I'd be without it.
Originally Posted by haywud
medications made it worse

There was one medication earlier that made me want to die just to stop a restless feeling it was causing, I complained and the doctor switched me to something else. I'm shilling for pharmacies, but I only recommend it because it worked for me after trial and error. Anyway I think your brain, not you, is spamming some awful stuff and so it needs help to override it.
21st Dec 2017 at 5:59 PM Last edited by Johnny_Bravo : 23rd Dec 2017 at 8:25 PM.
This message has been deleted by Johnny_Bravo. Reason: Banned
#8 Old 22nd Dec 2017 at 5:55 PM
Guys, just ignore fuckbill already, he's an obvious troll, don't feed it. He'll be banned for harassment and the like soon enough (and possibly for multiple accounts, since I personally suspect that the people agreeing and hitting funny for everything are really just sock puppets of his), don't waste your time giving him the attention he wants in the meantime.
I'm certainly not going to respond to anything he's going to write about me for this. Just hit "report" and move on.

Haywud is the one you should be focusing on, they reached out because they're clearly in a very dark place and need help.
#9 Old 23rd Dec 2017 at 2:33 AM
Originally Posted by duckbill37
lol no1 cares

I wonder just how many desperate souls took themselves as a result of reading the thoughtless comments from people such as you. You don't care I suppose? Well now, you can laugh and flip off God to your hearts content right now my friend; unfortunately that won't change what authority may be awaiting you on the other side. An authority that no amount of cackling will be able to brush aside when and indeed *if* that time comes. For the sake of what you deem a clever moment, you may be gambling more than you realise.

Max, I don't know if you've seen it or not, but I've emailed you. Hope to hear from you soon my friend.

Moved to Tumblr.
Truth will not fear scrutiny.
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#10 Old 23rd Dec 2017 at 4:35 PM
Guys - can I suggest you delete the quotes in your posts from a certain - now nameless - poster? Also, please use the report button and report stuff like this often in future - it does help us see it.

Finally, Haywud, I really hope you don't feel discouraged by numpties who occasionally post here. There are clearly a group of people here who care about you a lot. (hug)

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and my site, tflc:

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