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no.[666]bicycle
27th Oct 2011, 11:51 PM
So I have this essay due on stereotypes, specifically one I used to hold.....
Anyone wanna give it a once over and tell me what you think? if so, here it is:

Why can’t we be friends?
Have you ever stereotyped someone only to find out you were wrong? Well this is actually all about a time when I did. I passed judgment on a girl in my class before I knew her; she seemed to be one of those girls that were the rich, arrogant type. She dressed well and appeared to be what people would call “preppy”, she was very popular and with the fact of me perceiving her as rich that made me feel inferior because I was on that lower end of the income scale and felt as if I wasn’t good enough to even associate with her. The Social Comparison of the negative stereotype I held of this girl, the rich person, lead me to perceive her as unworthy to be my friend.
A bug project in my middle school science class happened to pair me up with this exact girl. I walked into the class with the stereotype that I had put upon her still running through my mind, giving me a negative attitude about what was to come. She was sitting there; I reluctantly made my way over to where she was sitting and sat down. She began to talk to me and I felt as if we were from two different planets she was the in-group I was the out-group. How could I ever relate to a person that I thought I had nothing in common with? After the class was over she invited me over to her house which shocked me, so I agreed and we walked to her house. After arrival, I just had to notice how nice her house was. It was making me feel like maybe I was right about her being rich, but was that enough to assume she was the same as stereotype I had?
I was weary about the whole thing but then we started talking over the project and suddenly smiled at me asking if I wanted something to drink, I politely said yes. The project that we had been working on turned into laughter and what seemed like common interests, instead of working on the project we were laughing about how we thought it was weird to be sticking dead bugs to a piece of cardboard. This led me to believe that maybe she and I had something in common. Was she actually not the arrogant person I thought she was? Maybe not, but was it okay not to stereotype her as stuck-up anymore. Were the points I had previously learned about rich people from my own Social group a fallacy of overgeneralization?
After all was said and done, after knowing her for a while, me and her became friends. Not just friends but best friends, I felt as if maybe instead of having this stereotype I could of just been more open minded to the fact she could have been out of the norm of the stereotype I labeled upon her. If I had not been paired up with her would I still hold this stereotype? I think I would of, and I would still be judging people today. After thinking about it though, is negative stereotyping really worth it?

BlakeS5678
28th Oct 2011, 12:47 AM
Good Job, I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Is it supposed to be a personal experience?

~Dee~
28th Oct 2011, 01:09 AM
You have done a good job with your essay, but there is something wrong in there what I hear everyday and it irritates me to no end and it seems to be accepted as proper English, when it's not.

It's not ' me and her became friends' it should be ' her and I became friends', you should change that. Unless of course your teacher talks that way. :)

SimsLover50
28th Oct 2011, 02:08 AM
Or you could say 'we' became friends which sounds less awkward.

And I think instead of stereotyping her you were prejudging her. You were prejudiced against rich girls- because you believed the stereotype.

Overall, I really liked the essay! You have a nice flair for the written word. Good work.

no.[666]bicycle
28th Oct 2011, 03:59 AM
Yes, its from personal expierence.... i figured is should be ethier her and i or we i was gonna fix it before i posted it but i didnt XD
Thank you guys for the feed back, I appreciate it... this is acctually going to be my final eassay for the end of fall quarter...needs some polishing!

Oaktree
28th Oct 2011, 06:29 AM
I can't really use all of the most effective editing marks with the limits of the forum, but I'll try to make my editing clear:

Have you ever stereotyped someone only to find out you were wrong? Well this is actually all about a time when I did.

[I would say something more like "I'll tell you all about a time when I did." It's not crucial, but it sounds a little bit better.]

I passed judgment on a girl in my class before I knew her; she seemed to be one of those girls that were the rich, arrogant type. She dressed well and appeared to be what people would call “preppy”,[change comma to period] she was very popular and with the fact of me perceiving her as rich that [I perceived her as rich, which] made me feel inferior because I was on that lower end of the income scale and felt as if [that] I wasn’t good enough to even associate with her. The Social Comparison of the negative stereotype I held of this girl, the rich person, lead me to perceive her as unworthy to be my friend.

[You go from saying that you don't feel worthy of being her friend to saying that you didn't feel her worthy of being your friend. You might want to clarify this; maybe stick to one or the other, or state both in expository sentences, rather than stating one in the exposition and one in the thesis.]

A bug project in my middle school science class happened to pair me up with this exact girl. I walked into the class with the stereotype [prejudice might be a more apt word here] that I had put upon her still running through my mind, giving me a negative attitude about what was to come. She was sitting there; I reluctantly made my way over to where she was sitting and sat down. She began to talk to me and I felt as if we were from two different planets she was the in-group [add either comma or and] I was the out-group. How could I ever relate to a person that I thought I had nothing in common with? After the class was over she invited me over to her house which shocked me[s], so I agreed and we walked to her house. After arrival, I just had to notice how nice her house was. It was making me feel like maybe I was right about her being rich, but was that enough to assume she [s]was the same as [fit the] stereotype I had?
I was weary about the whole thing but then we started talking over the project and suddenly smiled at me asking if I wanted something to drink[s], I politely said yes. The project that we had been working on turned into laughter and [talk about] what seemed like common interests[s], [period] instead of working on the project we were laughing about how we thought it was weird to be sticking dead bugs to a piece of cardboard. This led me to believe that maybe she and I had something in common. Was she actually not the arrogant person I thought she was? Maybe not, but was it okay not to stereotype her as stuck-up anymore. [It's unclear whether you're asking a question or making a statement. If asking a question, end with a question mark; if making a statement, say "it was not okay to..."] Were the points I had previously learned about rich people from my own Social group a fallacy of overgeneralization?
After all was said and done, after knowing her for a while, me and her ["we" or "she and I"] became friends. Not just friends but best friends, [period] I felt as if maybe instead of having this stereotype I could of [have] just been more open minded to the fact she could have been out of the norm of [that she might not have fit] the stereotype I labeled upon her [with]. If I had not been paired up with her [comma] would I still hold this stereotype? I think I would of [have], and I would still be judging people today. After thinking about it though, is negative stereotyping really worth it? [The end would be a bit stronger with a statement. Something like "After thinking about it, negative stereotyping really isn't worth it."]

I hope I didn't come off as rude or harsh; I just thought it would be helpful to point out grammatical errors and awkwardness. If you don't understand something I've written, just ask and I'll try to clarify. Of course, you're under no obligation to accept my editing if you don't like it.

no.[666]bicycle
28th Oct 2011, 11:34 PM
Oaktree: no it wasn't rude, I extreemly appreciate the feedback and editing...thank you so much. I agree alot with your corrections, again thanks!

KeiraLou
28th Oct 2011, 11:44 PM
I can't fault your essay there, you make valid points that bring to eye a true stereotypical moment. Well done :)