Excuse me love, it is absolutely necessary to be standing that close??? Ever heard of personal space? Geez any closer we’ll be one person. ‘Could you kindly remove your arm?...look, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings but people might get the wrong idea you know?’



I need some space.
This place is full of women….god don’t tell me I’ve walked into a gay bar….Emalita would be laughing so hard right now…
….oh now there’s someone….he’s male, points for that…smart suit, maybe a business man of some sort? …finds the girl dancing to be a crazy…that’s ok…my thoughts exactly.



Well no time like the present.
‘Hello, just finish work?’
Start with small talk I guess, I’m a bit rusty…it’s been a while.
He seems ok; we chat a little. All is going well and then I ask what he does for a living.
‘You’re a what?’
‘A team mascot…you know, I dress up in a mascot suit and run out to greet the fans’
‘Hahahahahaha You are joking right?’



‘You’re not joking? Ah I no speaka tha English well, I go now’

yes I know, but what could I do? That’s all I had up my sleeve…and since I don’t have any sleeves you might forgive me for the lame escape route.

A quick nip to the loo usually works.

Good, he’s wandered off. Hey that electro dance sphere looks fun…now how do you work this thing?

Woahhhhaaaaargh!



What did that…did that thing just zap me? Aaaaargh how do you get off this thing? I feel like I’m in a freakin’ salad spinner.

Owwwwwwch
Great, mascot man is watching me.
‘oh you think this is funny do you?...yeh yeh laugh, clap, cheer whatever, you’ve had your fun now rack off’



Well this night’s been a hit so far, surely it can’t get any worse?
A few more men have turned up since my disastrous battle with the dance sphere, then there is the DJ. No, I just cannot bring myself to chat up someone with a mullet…no matter how desperate i am.



Now there’s a nice looking man, dressed casual but smart, looks like an intellectual. Let’s just hope he’s not a team mascot.
‘Hi, um, do you come here often?’ Oh god did I really just say that?’
‘sorry I meant ah, you looked familiar is all, so what do you do for a living?’

I’m not doing very well here am i? Well I don’t think it would have made much difference anyway. He’s just told me he doesn’t like women with muscles. And I thought I was picky?



I’m really not having much luck here. Maybe I’m just being too judgemental. There’s always the yobbo or the scot in a kilt. Men in skirts just aren’t my thing so I guess it’s the yobbo.

The yobbo says he would prefer it if I were in my underwear…Pervert.



People are still looking at me. I’m starting to feel like a drag queen who’s accidently walked in to a biker bar.
All I have left is the skirt wearing scot…..and he’s unemployed. Fanfreakintastic!

Lurch over there is starting to look better by the minute.
Forget it….i’ll just have another drink and go home.

‘Bartender’



I chatted with the bartender in the middle a bit before calling a cab to go home. As I was leaving an old woman was braving the dance sphere, mascot guy was in a D&M with the pervert and the girl who was pressed up against me was in a conversation…with herself.

I am so glad to be home.



This dating thing isn't as easy as i thought it would be. All in all, saying i had a dismally unsuccesful night would be an understatement.