This morning had an unusual start, I guess no more unusual than any other day really but a woman in a fancy dress and bearing a flower in her hair went into Josh and Tiff’s bedroom while they were sleeping to tell them they had shown enthusiasm in music and dance. Like they didn’t already know. She told them if they kept it up they could have membership to a secret place where they can boogie till the cows come home.



I worked on my car a bit till the shit box that picks me up for work turned up. Josh had already left for his job and Tiffany was practicing her ballet moves.



When I came home from work I saw the most bizarre looking plant or creature, I didn’t know which, sitting on the front lawn.
I wanted to check it out but didn’t want to get too close. The thing looked like it could eat me.



I went inside to find Josh to see if he knew where it came from and there he is in all his glory washing himself and his sweaty genitals at the kitchen sink-with the sponge we use to wash the dishes. Charming.
I shook my head at him and pointed to the garbage compactor. ‘That’s goin’ in there when you finish with it’ I said.



I went and scrubbed up-the way most normal people do-in the shower, and changed into some clean clothes. Coming back into the kitchen I checked the sink to make sure the sponge wasn’t in there and grabbed some leftovers from that fridge which were surprisingly still steaming.
When Josh returned, now with clothes on, I questioned him about the freaky thing in the front yard.



‘Oh yeah’ He says. ‘That’s a cow plant! Cool eh?’
‘And what the hell is a cow plant?’ I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.
‘Dunno’ He shrugged. ‘Got it from work. Career reward they told me. It’s feeding time about now, wanna come watch?’
‘I don’t know, do i?’ I replied dryly.



I followed Josh outside and he pulls out a huge leg of lamb, or it could be mutton hehe, not sure. ‘You feed it meat?’ I asked, slightly alarmed.
Josh gets right up close to this beast of a thing and waves the big chunk of meat in front of it’s ….head? I dunno? It has teeth…big teeth, and nostrils but no eyes and I think a tail….dunno for sure.

Now what happened next I’m not proud of. From seeing it sitting there doing nothing, it is shorter in height than I am…and still intimidating. But throw food at it and I swear it grew 5 times the size of me. I panicked, and cowered, and maybe a little bit of wee came out but if you had of been there!



He laughed at me. Josh not the freaky cow plant. ‘Pussy’ he laughed.
‘Yeh yeh’ I said. ‘We’ll see who’s the pussy when it mistakes your head for it’s dinner’