View Single Post in: Story Time Contest: Hero Edition
#271
16th Aug 2012 at 5:23 AM
16th Aug 2012 at 5:23 AM
Posts: 3,722
Thanks: 28504 in 66 Posts
Round 3 Scores
It is that time again! As always, please be aware that individual scores are not in order of judges listed on the original post. Also, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal. Also, please remember that if everyone gets their next round in before the deadline, we can start Round 5 sooner!
Spladum
I'm glad that we're getting to know both Eric and Myrna a little better. I am hoping that her reminder of who he used to be as a doctor and how he made a difference in others' lives will begin to make a difference in his.
I enjoyed getting a glimpse into Eric's past - a past (or rather connection with a particular someone) that even he was unaware of. It's always nice to see facets of a character being revealed slowly over time. I just hope that this is the beginning of Eric's "recovery;" it seems that may be the case if he's willing to not numb his feelings through alcohol for once (at least that's what I took from the ending). Great chapter.
A little predictable this time. The excerpt was a little awkward,I thought, but maybe it's because your hero is so hard to like at that point, too, and the snappishness is grating (as it should be). Everyone stays true to form though, but I sense a real denouement coming...
Excellent work!
I loved how the story is now piecing together, bringing the true originality out of it! Though, sometimes were rough, but you've really improved! I'm really excited for the next chapter!
ReyaD
With Liam's reaction to Juliette's "confession" of wanting to be a mother, I wonder how he will take the news that she is pregnant (if she is, that is). I can't help hoping that Dene is good, heard the mind message, and ran like hell for help under cover of that "eww" excuse.
Juliette's characterization just becomes more and more interesting as the story continues. How she'll handle Liam and his "boss" in the remaining rounds remains to be seen, but I'm certainly excited to read how it all unfolds. Juliette's unintended pregnancy (I hope I'm correct in my assumption as everything seems to be leading up to that) is going to be an interesting story element, for sure.
I love how your heroine is getting stronger and showing some spine, too.
Very nicely done! I like the suspense you've been adding lately! It makes me want to read more and more! The only thing that I was a little iffy about was the event.. I don't feel as if everything was built up to lead to this certain event. It left me a little confused and usually climaxes are supposed to resolve but add more.. but you only added more. This isn't that big of a deal, but you might want to work on that next round. Otherwise, awesome job!
Ghost_sdoj
Ha. I knew that ghost was trouble. Though, for some reason, I feel more willing to listen to the living man. Maybe it's because he hasn't had years to get bitter. Or maybe I am just prejudiced against ghosts. Anyway, great story! I suggest working a little more on your scenes/staging. They are a little bland and the angles could use some work but, overall, great job.
I feel bad for Kylara, for entirely superficial reasons. She still has to wear that hideous outfit! Poor gal. I wonder if Kylara is going to inherit any elven or demonic abilities from Lord Alfric during her transformation and I can't wait for her to eventually find a way to thwart Greymane's plan. The living Lord Alfric seems to be a little bit more trustworthy than ghostly Lord Alfric, but I'm still not entirely sure I trust either one of them yet. Wonderful job, Ghost!
Oh the suspense! I like that Kylara is standing up for herself and developing a sense of discernment as well. Overall, I found this suspenseful: I couldn't stop reading for anything. Well done!
Awesome! I like where you're leading this! You're doing a great job! The only thing you might need to work on is your staging. Maybe try to add a little more props here and there to give it a little more spunk. But other than that.. the story was great!
Viva1994
I really liked the angles and the screenshots as they did a fantastic job telling your story. I got a bit lost in the conversation at times, but I think I've finally managed to get a handle on it. Suzanna should've never trusted a woman who wanted to have a sleepover before giving "information". I'm worried that Bram is now working with Jacob as he is completely sympathetic to all vampires, even that bad ones.
Great work on characterization this chapter. Also, congratulations on making the word count. Your cliffhanger was fantastic and I can't wait to read what trouble Suzanna and co. have gotten themselves into. That last picture makes it appear as if Bram is possibly in cahoots with Jacob (dun dun duuuunnnnn).
Hurrah for nailing the word count! And your story was much easier to read, too, because it made more sense. Thank you! My only problem is I keep thinking I'm missing something: I suspect this would really work better as a longer work. Nevertheless, I feel more engaged and can't wait for the next installment. Better!
Ooo! Action! I love action!
That scene really picked up the pace in the story! Great work with that! But, I'm stll feeling the originality is not the greatest. This story is sounding familiar to some other stories and some things are too predictable. I really would like for you to work on that next round. Strike us with something you never think we will suspect! But of course, keep it as a falling action.
Qnshr5
Very awesome turn of events. I feel so sad for Helena that the children she grew up with are now her enemies. Not that way someone expects life to go. I do wonder how Maxwell found out her secret. Excerpt felt a little thrown in at the last minute but, all in all, this was a fantastic chapter and a great use of the plot points.
Helena's past is so darn interesting and it's sad that her former childhood friends have since turned against her. Looks like Maxwell finally figured out who the true Brio is, although hanging out in her car like a creeper probably isn't the best way to reveal said knowledge. Great job, Qnshr5! I'm definitely anxiously awaiting your next chapter.
The plot thickens! What is Max hiding? How come Lorie looked like the hero rather than Helena? Can't wait to find out more. The excerpt was a little awkwardly used, IMO. But the overall story had some originality. I like how you brought in a little more back story, too, that helped a lot.
Woah! Seriously! That was unexpected! Very action packed and so much suspense had me at the edge of my seat! I love the originality you've poured into this story! That's well appreciated! This is exactly how a climax is supposed to be! Excellent work! LOL and you packed it close on the word count limit! Nice job
Tamlyn
I am quite impressed by the simplicity of this chapter without taking away from the emotion and the "togetherness" feeling that Zoe has knowing that Matt is also a freak. I feel that the climax did a wonderful job of showing that her "fear" may not be resolved but her intentions to run away have dissolved. Now we just have to find out if she can stop the arsonist and put a stop to the fires that threaten her beloved town.
Matt being a shapeshifter is an intriguing development and it looks like Zoe now has someone that she can relate to (not that they didn't before he revealed his secret - but it's nice to have everything out in the open between them). The plot is definitely picking up and I'm excited to read Zoe's potential run-in with this mysterious fire starter.
Nice! Great job combining the previous glitches into a cohesive story. Now Zoe's reluctance as a hero really shines, and we can understand it too. I find myself dying to know what's in store for her next. Good job.
Very good! Though, I am beginning to lose you in the flow of the story. I'm still not quite sure what's going on either. You might want to work on trying to resolve just a little of the story, and then add more conflict or new confusion to be resolved in the resolution. Otherwise, awesome job!
Sabri5
I personally was a little confused. The mysterious conversations that were just bam, bam, in your face had me scrambling to try to understand what was going on, who was doing what, and which side was which. I still think I have more to learn. I do like that we are finally meeting Samara and I do wonder what the hell is going to happen with Ross.
The enigmatic Samara finally appears! I like the familial drama you're introducing here (beyond Elizabeth's relationship with her sister) and I'm excited to read the eventual reveal about John Ross's involvement in whatever is going on. Fantastic job!
Oh we get to meet Samara, nice! And little twists inside twists, whew! I couldn't find much to actually criticize. This was well paced and flowed reasonably well. I can't wait to read more!
Good work on the chapter! I am loving the suspense and overall plot line so far! The only thing you may need to work on is staging and setting the angle of the photos right to get the correct emotion that you are wanting! I know it's not a skill that will develop overnight, but you might want to work on it just a little
LadyAwesome
This was an absolutely amazing chapter. You put the scenes and the words together perfectly to make your story flow. I was actually disappointed when I realized my mouse couldn't scroll anymore because I was at the end. C'mon Lottie!!! Maybe whatever she said to Ala will surface subconsciously and help her, if Lottie doesn't actually get there in time.
Ala can't catch a break, indeed! Your pictures were fantastic this round and I especially enjoyed how you set up the lot[s]. It definitely adds to the visual elements of the story. I don't have anything else to add except that this installment has been my favorite of yours so far. I love the danger, drama, and suspense!
This chapter had me on the edge of my seat by the end, anticipating right along with Ala. Couldn't find anything to critique, really. Good job!
Very well done! Action packed! Suspense! Conflict! Everything a climax should be! I loved the staging so much! I felt as if I was watching xcellea movie! The flow was outstanding! Excellent work!
missroxor
Wow. Just...wow. I suppose it should have been expected that Olivia would be Jada's mother but it completely took me by surprise. And then Rurik being her twin. I can't help but wonder how this is going to be explained by daddy dearest. I cannot wait to find out what happened for them to leave, the "dead mommy" lie to spread and so forth. Also, amazing use of the plot points, especially the reversals. Jada being confronted with the reality of the situation took my breath away, wanting to know how it would happen. Whoa.
All I have to say is whoa! I honestly did not anticipate the twist in the story (that Rurik and Olivia are Jada's family) and I'm a little embarrassed that I initially expected a love interest to develop between Rurik and Jada before reading this chapter (twincest!). Haha. I also want to point out that the emotional impact for Jada when she finally saw her "enemies" in the hospital area was a fantastic story element. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now and wait impatiently for the next installment.
This was a joy to read, not only because it flowed well, but because you have created an almost tangible tipping point for your heroine. Moreover, you managed to introduce a small surprise even while clarifying Jada's previously hinted-at biological history. Now she has to sort the truth from the lies. I await Chapter 4 with baited breath.
Holy....That was amazing! I literally was at the edge of my seat! It felt so realistic! I really felt connected to the character and the story line! What an awesome climax! I am wanting more! I really cannot wait until the next chapter! Once again, awesome job!
It is that time again! As always, please be aware that individual scores are not in order of judges listed on the original post. Also, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal. Also, please remember that if everyone gets their next round in before the deadline, we can start Round 5 sooner!
| Contestant | Total |
|---|---|
| Spladoum | 91.5 |
| ReyaD | 95.7 |
| Ghost_sdoj | 99.0 |
| Viva1994 | 96.3 |
| Qnshr5 | 98.3 |
| Tamlyn | 97.0 |
| Sabri5 | 93.0 (94.0 - 1.0 for late entry) |
| LadyAwesome | 99.3 |
| missroxor | 103.7 |
Spladum
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 97 | 4 | 101 |
| 35 | 12 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 25 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 16 | 4 | 0 | 80 | 4.5 | 84.5 |
| 36 | 12 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 85 | 4 | 89 |
I'm glad that we're getting to know both Eric and Myrna a little better. I am hoping that her reminder of who he used to be as a doctor and how he made a difference in others' lives will begin to make a difference in his.
I enjoyed getting a glimpse into Eric's past - a past (or rather connection with a particular someone) that even he was unaware of. It's always nice to see facets of a character being revealed slowly over time. I just hope that this is the beginning of Eric's "recovery;" it seems that may be the case if he's willing to not numb his feelings through alcohol for once (at least that's what I took from the ending). Great chapter.
A little predictable this time. The excerpt was a little awkward,I thought, but maybe it's because your hero is so hard to like at that point, too, and the snappishness is grating (as it should be). Everyone stays true to form though, but I sense a real denouement coming...
Excellent work!
I loved how the story is now piecing together, bringing the true originality out of it! Though, sometimes were rough, but you've really improved! I'm really excited for the next chapter!
ReyaD
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 15 | 10 | 8 | 7 | 25 | 10 | 8 | 7 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 89 | 5 | 94 |
| 41 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 27 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 91 | 5 | 96 |
| 41 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 1 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
With Liam's reaction to Juliette's "confession" of wanting to be a mother, I wonder how he will take the news that she is pregnant (if she is, that is). I can't help hoping that Dene is good, heard the mind message, and ran like hell for help under cover of that "eww" excuse.
Juliette's characterization just becomes more and more interesting as the story continues. How she'll handle Liam and his "boss" in the remaining rounds remains to be seen, but I'm certainly excited to read how it all unfolds. Juliette's unintended pregnancy (I hope I'm correct in my assumption as everything seems to be leading up to that) is going to be an interesting story element, for sure.
I love how your heroine is getting stronger and showing some spine, too.
Very nicely done! I like the suspense you've been adding lately! It makes me want to read more and more! The only thing that I was a little iffy about was the event.. I don't feel as if everything was built up to lead to this certain event. It left me a little confused and usually climaxes are supposed to resolve but add more.. but you only added more. This isn't that big of a deal, but you might want to work on that next round. Otherwise, awesome job!
Ghost_sdoj
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 25 | 10 | 8 | 7 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
| 43 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
| 42 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 8 | 29 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
Ha. I knew that ghost was trouble. Though, for some reason, I feel more willing to listen to the living man. Maybe it's because he hasn't had years to get bitter. Or maybe I am just prejudiced against ghosts. Anyway, great story! I suggest working a little more on your scenes/staging. They are a little bland and the angles could use some work but, overall, great job.
I feel bad for Kylara, for entirely superficial reasons. She still has to wear that hideous outfit! Poor gal. I wonder if Kylara is going to inherit any elven or demonic abilities from Lord Alfric during her transformation and I can't wait for her to eventually find a way to thwart Greymane's plan. The living Lord Alfric seems to be a little bit more trustworthy than ghostly Lord Alfric, but I'm still not entirely sure I trust either one of them yet. Wonderful job, Ghost!
Oh the suspense! I like that Kylara is standing up for herself and developing a sense of discernment as well. Overall, I found this suspenseful: I couldn't stop reading for anything. Well done!
Awesome!
I like where you're leading this! You're doing a great job! The only thing you might need to work on is your staging. Maybe try to add a little more props here and there to give it a little more spunk. But other than that.. the story was great!
Viva1994
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 13 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 27 | 10 | 7 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 5 | 96 |
| 42 | 14 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
| 39 | 12 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 4 | 95 |
I really liked the angles and the screenshots as they did a fantastic job telling your story. I got a bit lost in the conversation at times, but I think I've finally managed to get a handle on it. Suzanna should've never trusted a woman who wanted to have a sleepover before giving "information". I'm worried that Bram is now working with Jacob as he is completely sympathetic to all vampires, even that bad ones.
Great work on characterization this chapter. Also, congratulations on making the word count. Your cliffhanger was fantastic and I can't wait to read what trouble Suzanna and co. have gotten themselves into. That last picture makes it appear as if Bram is possibly in cahoots with Jacob (dun dun duuuunnnnn).
Hurrah for nailing the word count! And your story was much easier to read, too, because it made more sense. Thank you! My only problem is I keep thinking I'm missing something: I suspect this would really work better as a longer work. Nevertheless, I feel more engaged and can't wait for the next installment. Better!
Ooo! Action! I love action!
That scene really picked up the pace in the story! Great work with that! But, I'm stll feeling the originality is not the greatest. This story is sounding familiar to some other stories and some things are too predictable. I really would like for you to work on that next round. Strike us with something you never think we will suspect! But of course, keep it as a falling action.
Qnshr5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
| 37 | 14 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 26 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 17 | 4 | 1 | 85 | 5 | 90 |
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 5 | 102 |
Very awesome turn of events. I feel so sad for Helena that the children she grew up with are now her enemies. Not that way someone expects life to go. I do wonder how Maxwell found out her secret. Excerpt felt a little thrown in at the last minute but, all in all, this was a fantastic chapter and a great use of the plot points.
Helena's past is so darn interesting and it's sad that her former childhood friends have since turned against her. Looks like Maxwell finally figured out who the true Brio is, although hanging out in her car like a creeper probably isn't the best way to reveal said knowledge.
Great job, Qnshr5! I'm definitely anxiously awaiting your next chapter.The plot thickens! What is Max hiding? How come Lorie looked like the hero rather than Helena? Can't wait to find out more. The excerpt was a little awkwardly used, IMO. But the overall story had some originality. I like how you brought in a little more back story, too, that helped a lot.
Woah! Seriously! That was unexpected! Very action packed and so much suspense had me at the edge of my seat! I love the originality you've poured into this story! That's well appreciated! This is exactly how a climax is supposed to be! Excellent work!
LOL and you packed it close on the word count limit! Nice job
Tamlyn
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
| 39 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 26 | 8 | 8 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 88 | 5 | 93 |
| 41 | 13 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 95 | 5 | 100 |
I am quite impressed by the simplicity of this chapter without taking away from the emotion and the "togetherness" feeling that Zoe has knowing that Matt is also a freak. I feel that the climax did a wonderful job of showing that her "fear" may not be resolved but her intentions to run away have dissolved. Now we just have to find out if she can stop the arsonist and put a stop to the fires that threaten her beloved town.
Matt being a shapeshifter is an intriguing development and it looks like Zoe now has someone that she can relate to (not that they didn't before he revealed his secret - but it's nice to have everything out in the open between them). The plot is definitely picking up and I'm excited to read Zoe's potential run-in with this mysterious fire starter.
Nice! Great job combining the previous glitches into a cohesive story. Now Zoe's reluctance as a hero really shines, and we can understand it too. I find myself dying to know what's in store for her next. Good job.
Very good! Though, I am beginning to lose you in the flow of the story. I'm still not quite sure what's going on either. You might want to work on trying to resolve just a little of the story, and then add more conflict or new confusion to be resolved in the resolution. Otherwise, awesome job!
Sabri5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 25 | 10 | 8 | 7 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 90 | 0 | 90 |
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
| 39 | 13 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 90 | 4 | 94 |
I personally was a little confused. The mysterious conversations that were just bam, bam, in your face had me scrambling to try to understand what was going on, who was doing what, and which side was which. I still think I have more to learn. I do like that we are finally meeting Samara and I do wonder what the hell is going to happen with Ross.
The enigmatic Samara finally appears! I like the familial drama you're introducing here (beyond Elizabeth's relationship with her sister) and I'm excited to read the eventual reveal about John Ross's involvement in whatever is going on. Fantastic job!
Oh we get to meet Samara, nice! And little twists inside twists, whew! I couldn't find much to actually criticize. This was well paced and flowed reasonably well. I can't wait to read more!
Good work on the chapter! I am loving the suspense and overall plot line so far! The only thing you may need to work on is staging and setting the angle of the photos right to get the correct emotion that you are wanting! I know it's not a skill that will develop overnight, but you might want to work on it just a little
LadyAwesome
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 97 | 5 | 102 |
| 43 | 14 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
| 42 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
This was an absolutely amazing chapter. You put the scenes and the words together perfectly to make your story flow. I was actually disappointed when I realized my mouse couldn't scroll anymore because I was at the end. C'mon Lottie!!! Maybe whatever she said to Ala will surface subconsciously and help her, if Lottie doesn't actually get there in time.
Ala can't catch a break, indeed! Your pictures were fantastic this round and I especially enjoyed how you set up the lot[s]. It definitely adds to the visual elements of the story. I don't have anything else to add except that this installment has been my favorite of yours so far. I love the danger, drama, and suspense!
This chapter had me on the edge of my seat by the end, anticipating right along with Ala. Couldn't find anything to critique, really. Good job!
Very well done! Action packed! Suspense! Conflict! Everything a climax should be!
I loved the staging so much! I felt as if I was watching xcellea movie! The flow was outstanding! Excellent work!
missroxor
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
| 44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
Wow. Just...wow. I suppose it should have been expected that Olivia would be Jada's mother but it completely took me by surprise. And then Rurik being her twin. I can't help but wonder how this is going to be explained by daddy dearest. I cannot wait to find out what happened for them to leave, the "dead mommy" lie to spread and so forth. Also, amazing use of the plot points, especially the reversals. Jada being confronted with the reality of the situation took my breath away, wanting to know how it would happen. Whoa.
All I have to say is whoa! I honestly did not anticipate the twist in the story (that Rurik and Olivia are Jada's family) and I'm a little embarrassed that I initially expected a love interest to develop between Rurik and Jada before reading this chapter (twincest!). Haha. I also want to point out that the emotional impact for Jada when she finally saw her "enemies" in the hospital area was a fantastic story element. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now and wait impatiently for the next installment.
This was a joy to read, not only because it flowed well, but because you have created an almost tangible tipping point for your heroine. Moreover, you managed to introduce a small surprise even while clarifying Jada's previously hinted-at biological history. Now she has to sort the truth from the lies. I await Chapter 4 with baited breath.
Holy....That was amazing! I literally was at the edge of my seat! It felt so realistic! I really felt connected to the character and the story line! What an awesome climax! I am wanting more! I really cannot wait until the next chapter! Once again, awesome job!
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."