View Single Post in: Story Time Contest: Hero Edition
#304
5th Sep 2012 at 1:53 AM
5th Sep 2012 at 1:53 AM
Posts: 3,722
Thanks: 28529 in 66 Posts
Round 4 Scores
Yeah, yeah, scores. Sniveling brats. I'm just kidding. Sorry it took so long to get these back to you. I realize that it's been almost 10 days since the round closed but we had a lot of stuff going on. Plus, you know, I was hoping that the release of Supernatural would distract anyone from being too interested in these. *dangles them over everyone's head*
Remember, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal.
Spladum
"There you go, you're back on top with this one. Except for using the bonus, it looks to me as though you got this going very well. There IS hope for the doctor it seems. Also, clearly he's still got it...Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, no awkwardness here. Nice!"
I'm not going to lie, I love Eric's attitude and aggressiveness when it comes to making his opinions known. He may be a bit of a jerk, but he is willing to say what others aren't, even at the expense of someone's feelings. I don't know, I just find that... an intriguing characteristic of your hero. I also like that you're keeping him in-character while also allowing him to develop slowly as the story progresses. You've managed to make me like him; or at the very least, admire Eric when he is doing good in his own way. Great work, Splad!
I really love what you did with the plot point here. I thought it was expertly used and I feel that you really capture the sometimes hopelessness of what doctors must feel. Yeah, they help one person but sickness keeps coming back. You can never win, just keep fighting. I feel for poor Eric but I hope that, at some point, he loses that cynicism because he seems to be a good doctor when he tries.
Amazing!
So much drama and suspense! I just loved it! Each chapter gets better and better each time! Excellent work!
ReyaD
Now this is how you set up the concluding action! Your character is discovering herself still, and that's ok because she has friends who back her, but she has the courage to face her own battle and to help protect others. Hard not to like her! Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. The only real problem is that I had to hunt for the bonus entry
(That's supposed to be bolded or at least italicized). Otherwise, great entry!.
Man, Liam was really quite the villain; at least until we met the boss briefly and Liam well... died. Juliette's demonstration of her abilities on the other Freaks made her all the more intimidating and I'm excited for the potential showdown with mysterious boss dude. Fantastic cliffhanger, Reya! I'm anxious to read more.
I feel as though the plot point could have used a bit more work though it was on its way there. Your bonus wasn't noted in any way though I did recognize it. I feel that you really left us on the edge here, wanting to know what will happen. However, I am possibly more intrigued by the love connection between Dene and Daniel, mostly because he is "not a freak" and I believe it was mentioned Dene's been doing this a long time so I wonder how they met and fell in love.
Great work! I love the originality of the storyline! Not only that, but the conflict mixed between making it whole and original The only thing you forgot was to italicize your quote, which is apart of the requirements. I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Ghost_sdoj
"LOL I love how you used the thought bubbles to direct the story, that was funny! This is another good chapter for you.Not as much action, but a lot more answers. In fact, it could *almost* be resolved right here, leaving more adventure for the next ""novella"". (I'm exaggerating the scope of what you've done, I know, but you get the idea, I think). Of course, it's so close to ""done"" that you went over the word count. By quite a bit, I might add. However, nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. Good job! "
You went over the word count, so I had to dock a point in the rules section (unfortunately). I have to say, I like living Lord Alfric much better than his ghostly counterpart. I can't wait to read about/see Kylara and Lord Alfric take on Greymane!
Some of the dialogue seemed a little too scripted/stiff but, overall, I think this was a really good chapter. Now that the ghost is gone, I like Lord Alfric much, much more. I really loved your use of the quote and, if it hadn't been bolded, I might have thought it was something you came up with yourself. Now just to meet and deal with this Greymane.
Great job this round! I can tell you are truly dedicated to this story and I love that! Also, you did go over the word count which is something you might want to watch out for in the final round!
Viva1994
"Oh NOES! They can't die! That is sad. On to the story itself. I found the flow a little clunky again. Partly, I think you needed to re-read yourself. Although we're not supposed to judge grammar, using the words you meant to use does help. For instance, in the scene where Valentina returns, setting the whole place on fire, I had to re-read the passage to keep the characters straight because there was a liberal use of the pronoun ""she"", in a conversation between two female characters. Overall, good story, I do look forward to seeing how this ends."
I'm glad that Suzanna was able to "save" Bram; although both of their survival, particularly his, is up for debate. And Suzanna flirting with Jacob was hilarious. She was so hopelessly out of her element being the flirty, overly seductive woman that it made both her and Jacob's discomfort of the situation understandable. I think that's why I like Suzanna so much - she's willing to take the reigns in any situation and hopefully turn the tables in her favor. I hope she is able to not only get herself, but poor Bram out of that warehouse safely!
This chapter made me laugh a lot from the picture of Jacob dragging her across the floor to her very strange attempt at verbal seduction. I think you did a pretty good job though I did get a little disoriented at the last dialogue bits between Suzanna and, I think, Valentina.
Oooo! Awesome! The originality is back! I can smell it! The event was even better! You had me sitting at the edge of my seat! I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Qnshr5
"I *have* to comment on pic #6, what a great shot! Great stuff, I'd love to know the secret...Looks like Brio is going to make a last stand. I find myself wishing this weren't almost over..."
I think this is one of my favorite chapters from you, simply because there was a level of introspection mixed with action that just worked so well together. I also want to point out that your staging for your pictures was fantastic, especially given the scenes you were (successfully) portraying. Great, great job.
The first quote was a little off, mostly due to first/third person disagreement in the statement which jarred the flow a bit. Second quote was spot on though. The story itself though...wow. I was practically holding my breath the whole time. What a horrible situation to be in. I feel so bad for Helena because, no matter what her choices are, there doesn't seem to be a happy ending in her future.
Let me just say something. WOAH! Holy crap! That was intense! Excellent, Excellent work! You did an amazing job with the scenery and the event! I still can't get over how well you did that chapter! Now all you need to do is keep that same momentum in the final chapter
Tamlyn
Tamlyn! This *is* a great chapter, well done! The action moved smoothly, your characters are well developed, and the surprise of it being the young fire chief's daughter is a brilliant stroke. Good job!
Just to be consistent with my comments, I have to say that your pictures and staging were fantastic (as usual). The end of this chapter left me with bated breath! Is Matt going to be okay? Is Zoe going to be able to get all of them out of there safely (we all know she's immune to fire, but the other two certainly aren't!). What is going to happen to Jillian once her father and the rest of the town find out? Or will Zoe be somehow framed for everything?! Arrggghhh! I want to read how this all unfolds RIGHT NOW! Fantastic job, Tamlyn and as you can tell I'm going to be waiting impatiently for your next installment.
Damn, damn! Please let naked dog-Matt be okay! I think you did a good job of using both the quotes and I was also very pleased to see how you used the plot point. Jill may think she is doing it for the betterment of the fire department or whatever but she is truly just nuts. I do hope that our heroine is able to find a way out of this mess.
Excellent work! The only thing that made me concerned is that this might have fit in well with the climax instead of with the falling action. But maybe not. It was overall great dedication and work and the suspense that hid itself made me tingle inside!
Sabri5
"That's too bad about the pictures. Can you reconstruct your set for the next round? I hadn't imagined this would be such a disaster, but the presence or absence of pictures is out of 20 Anyway, I'm really sorry for you about that. Good continuation. The tension is palpable, and I'm glad to learn ""Ammy"" (hehehe!) isn't being herself. Can't wait to see what the problem is and how it gets resolved. Also, you forgot to italicize or bold your bonus entry, I had to hunt for it. "
It's a shame there were no pictures this chapter, but I can definitely sympathize with your situation. We've all been there. Anyway, I was a little confused during certain bits; mainly because more clarification during conversations (who was talking to who) was in order. Despite that though, I still enjoyed reading your entry! Samara is turning out to be an interesting addition to the story and I'm intrigued to read about what is possibly possessing her and how it can be stopped!
I'm a little confused on how the plot point played in with the chapter. I also got lost during bits of the dialogue and trying to follow what exactly was going on. I'm not sure if it was because there were pictures missing or frustration at not being able to take pictures showing through. Either way, I do hope to see what happens and find out exactly what is wrong with Samara.
That seriously sucks about the picture issue! I am so sorry! - Your story was good and you did an excellent job setting the scene with your words. Unfortunately, you forgot to italicize your quote, which is a requirement. I hope you can get everything solved, and if not.. I hope you still proceed with your story! It's very good!
LadyAwesome
Your stories are good. It's a real pleasure to read them. Can I just suggest you use spell check, though? Occasionally misspelled words break up the flow or reading, making the reader go back and re-read to get your meaning. Otherwise, great job!
Ooh! More suspense this chapter. The parts where Ala was potentially discovering Marie's "relationship" with Verne and her son via the different rooms and actually reading/seeing her distress over it was a nice (I feel weird saying "nice" when it was actually quite sad) story development. I also did not see that romance between Ala and Lottie coming at.all. Great work this installment, Lady and I can't wait to read how this story finishes.
Marie is certainly an unpleasant, greedy person, isn't she? I'm glad that Lottie found a way to get to Ala, even in her subconscious and was surprised at the romance (?) that blossomed there. Now just to find out what the conclusion will bring to Ala and the rest.
I am a little confused about what is happening..but I like it! I sense some type of symbolism.. and I love symbolism! I can't wait to see where this goes! Keep it up in your final chapter!
missroxor
Ok, this almost made me cry. Beautiful story, beautiful pics, great flow, this chapter's a winner in my book. Well done!
Again, wow! I feel like I'm always writing the same comments for your chapters because they almost always leave me with some sort of awe at the end. Your writing is spectacular and this chapter had me internally sobbing. Jada finally gets to discover something about the other half of her family (and by extension, herself) only to have that violently ripped away. And Rurik admitting that he's loved his sister, even though she's been taught to hate him and his kind, this entire time... oh goodness. Just, what a great chapter. Kudos to you missroxor. Seriously. (On another note: I was the one who commented on predicting a romance between Jada and Rurik and I have to say the brother/sister relationship is much more interesting. I'm so glad you went this route!)
Oh my God. How could you end it there? WHY would you end it there? I need to know if Rurik lives. I'm very fond of him. Also, I loved the background shots of your truck sequence as it was very realistic. Please, please let everyone be okay! The formatting of your wording (along with the words themselves) made the dialogue especially poignant and practically brought a tear to my eye.
WOAH! The ending! Oh, my! I was not expecting that! Great work with building up that suspense! This makes me have a feeling of hunger for the final chapter! I must know what happens next! Excellent work!
Yeah, yeah, scores. Sniveling brats. I'm just kidding. Sorry it took so long to get these back to you. I realize that it's been almost 10 days since the round closed but we had a lot of stuff going on. Plus, you know, I was hoping that the release of Supernatural would distract anyone from being too interested in these. *dangles them over everyone's head*
Remember, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal.
| Contestant | Total |
|---|---|
| Spladoum | 93.7 |
| ReyaD | 96.7 |
| Ghost_sdoj | 96.3 |
| Viva1994 | 96.3 |
| Qnshr5 | 102.0 |
| Tamlyn | 103.7 |
| Sabri5 | 79.0 |
| LadyAwesome | 98.3 |
| missroxor | 103.0 |
Spladum
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 14 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 0 | 94 |
| 41 | 13 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 0 | 91 |
| 44 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 0 | 96 |
"There you go, you're back on top with this one. Except for using the bonus, it looks to me as though you got this going very well. There IS hope for the doctor it seems. Also, clearly he's still got it...Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, no awkwardness here. Nice!"
I'm not going to lie, I love Eric's attitude and aggressiveness when it comes to making his opinions known. He may be a bit of a jerk, but he is willing to say what others aren't, even at the expense of someone's feelings. I don't know, I just find that... an intriguing characteristic of your hero. I also like that you're keeping him in-character while also allowing him to develop slowly as the story progresses. You've managed to make me like him; or at the very least, admire Eric when he is doing good in his own way. Great work, Splad!
I really love what you did with the plot point here. I thought it was expertly used and I feel that you really capture the sometimes hopelessness of what doctors must feel. Yeah, they help one person but sickness keeps coming back. You can never win, just keep fighting. I feel for poor Eric but I hope that, at some point, he loses that cynicism because he seems to be a good doctor when he tries.
Amazing!
So much drama and suspense! I just loved it! Each chapter gets better and better each time! Excellent work!
ReyaD
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 17 | 3 | 0 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
| 42 | 14 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 93 | 4 | 97 |
| 42 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 8 | 29 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 19 | 3 | 0 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
Now this is how you set up the concluding action! Your character is discovering herself still, and that's ok because she has friends who back her, but she has the courage to face her own battle and to help protect others. Hard not to like her! Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. The only real problem is that I had to hunt for the bonus entry
(That's supposed to be bolded or at least italicized). Otherwise, great entry!. Man, Liam was really quite the villain; at least until we met the boss briefly and Liam well... died. Juliette's demonstration of her abilities on the other Freaks made her all the more intimidating and I'm excited for the potential showdown with mysterious boss dude. Fantastic cliffhanger, Reya! I'm anxious to read more.
I feel as though the plot point could have used a bit more work though it was on its way there. Your bonus wasn't noted in any way though I did recognize it. I feel that you really left us on the edge here, wanting to know what will happen. However, I am possibly more intrigued by the love connection between Dene and Daniel, mostly because he is "not a freak" and I believe it was mentioned Dene's been doing this a long time so I wonder how they met and fell in love.
Great work! I love the originality of the storyline! Not only that, but the conflict mixed between making it whole and original
The only thing you forgot was to italicize your quote, which is apart of the requirements. I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Ghost_sdoj
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
| 41 | 15 | 8 | 10 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 17 | 3 | 1 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
| 40 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 26 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 20 | 3 | 1 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
"LOL I love how you used the thought bubbles to direct the story, that was funny! This is another good chapter for you.Not as much action, but a lot more answers. In fact, it could *almost* be resolved right here, leaving more adventure for the next ""novella"". (I'm exaggerating the scope of what you've done, I know, but you get the idea, I think). Of course, it's so close to ""done"" that you went over the word count. By quite a bit, I might add. However, nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. Good job! "
You went over the word count, so I had to dock a point in the rules section (unfortunately). I have to say, I like living Lord Alfric much better than his ghostly counterpart. I can't wait to read about/see Kylara and Lord Alfric take on Greymane!
Some of the dialogue seemed a little too scripted/stiff but, overall, I think this was a really good chapter. Now that the ghost is gone, I like Lord Alfric much, much more. I really loved your use of the quote and, if it hadn't been bolded, I might have thought it was something you came up with yourself. Now just to meet and deal with this Greymane.
Great job this round! I can tell you are truly dedicated to this story and I love that! Also, you did go over the word count which is something you might want to watch out for in the final round!
Viva1994
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 16 | 4 | 0 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
| 40 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
"Oh NOES! They can't die!
That is sad. On to the story itself. I found the flow a little clunky again. Partly, I think you needed to re-read yourself. Although we're not supposed to judge grammar, using the words you meant to use does help. For instance, in the scene where Valentina returns, setting the whole place on fire, I had to re-read the passage to keep the characters straight because there was a liberal use of the pronoun ""she"", in a conversation between two female characters. Overall, good story, I do look forward to seeing how this ends."I'm glad that Suzanna was able to "save" Bram; although both of their survival, particularly his, is up for debate. And Suzanna flirting with Jacob was hilarious. She was so hopelessly out of her element being the flirty, overly seductive woman that it made both her and Jacob's discomfort of the situation understandable. I think that's why I like Suzanna so much - she's willing to take the reigns in any situation and hopefully turn the tables in her favor. I hope she is able to not only get herself, but poor Bram out of that warehouse safely!
This chapter made me laugh a lot from the picture of Jacob dragging her across the floor to her very strange attempt at verbal seduction. I think you did a pretty good job though I did get a little disoriented at the last dialogue bits between Suzanna and, I think, Valentina.
Oooo! Awesome! The originality is back! I can smell it!
The event was even better! You had me sitting at the edge of my seat! I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Qnshr5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
| 44 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 4 | 101 |
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
"I *have* to comment on pic #6, what a great shot! Great stuff, I'd love to know the secret...Looks like Brio is going to make a last stand. I find myself wishing this weren't almost over..."
I think this is one of my favorite chapters from you, simply because there was a level of introspection mixed with action that just worked so well together. I also want to point out that your staging for your pictures was fantastic, especially given the scenes you were (successfully) portraying. Great, great job.
The first quote was a little off, mostly due to first/third person disagreement in the statement which jarred the flow a bit. Second quote was spot on though. The story itself though...wow. I was practically holding my breath the whole time. What a horrible situation to be in. I feel so bad for Helena because, no matter what her choices are, there doesn't seem to be a happy ending in her future.
Let me just say something. WOAH! Holy crap! That was intense! Excellent, Excellent work! You did an amazing job with the scenery and the event! I still can't get over how well you did that chapter! Now all you need to do is keep that same momentum in the final chapter
Tamlyn
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 100 | 5 | 105 |
| 44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
| 43 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 5 | 102 |
Tamlyn! This *is* a great chapter, well done! The action moved smoothly, your characters are well developed, and the surprise of it being the young fire chief's daughter is a brilliant stroke. Good job!
Just to be consistent with my comments, I have to say that your pictures and staging were fantastic (as usual). The end of this chapter left me with bated breath! Is Matt going to be okay? Is Zoe going to be able to get all of them out of there safely (we all know she's immune to fire, but the other two certainly aren't!). What is going to happen to Jillian once her father and the rest of the town find out? Or will Zoe be somehow framed for everything?! Arrggghhh! I want to read how this all unfolds RIGHT NOW! Fantastic job, Tamlyn and as you can tell I'm going to be waiting impatiently for your next installment.
Damn, damn! Please let naked dog-Matt be okay! I think you did a good job of using both the quotes and I was also very pleased to see how you used the plot point. Jill may think she is doing it for the betterment of the fire department or whatever but she is truly just nuts. I do hope that our heroine is able to find a way out of this mess.
Excellent work! The only thing that made me concerned is that this might have fit in well with the climax instead of with the falling action. But maybe not. It was overall great dedication and work and the suspense that hid itself made me tingle inside!
Sabri5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 44 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 0 | 9 | 0 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 75 | 5 | 80 |
| 41 | 14 | 9 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 0 | 10 | 0 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 73 | 5 | 78 |
| 43 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 0 | 10 | 0 | 19 | 3 | 1 | 76 | 5 | 81 |
"That's too bad about the pictures.
Can you reconstruct your set for the next round? I hadn't imagined this would be such a disaster, but the presence or absence of pictures is out of 20 Anyway, I'm really sorry for you about that. Good continuation. The tension is palpable, and I'm glad to learn ""Ammy"" (hehehe!) isn't being herself. Can't wait to see what the problem is and how it gets resolved. Also, you forgot to italicize or bold your bonus entry, I had to hunt for it. "It's a shame there were no pictures this chapter, but I can definitely sympathize with your situation. We've all been there. Anyway, I was a little confused during certain bits; mainly because more clarification during conversations (who was talking to who) was in order. Despite that though, I still enjoyed reading your entry! Samara is turning out to be an interesting addition to the story and I'm intrigued to read about what is possibly possessing her and how it can be stopped!
I'm a little confused on how the plot point played in with the chapter. I also got lost during bits of the dialogue and trying to follow what exactly was going on. I'm not sure if it was because there were pictures missing or frustration at not being able to take pictures showing through. Either way, I do hope to see what happens and find out exactly what is wrong with Samara.
That seriously sucks about the picture issue! I am so sorry! - Your story was good and you did an excellent job setting the scene with your words. Unfortunately, you forgot to italicize your quote, which is a requirement. I hope you can get everything solved, and if not.. I hope you still proceed with your story! It's very good!
LadyAwesome
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 95 | 4 | 99 |
| 43 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
| 41 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
Your stories are good. It's a real pleasure to read them. Can I just suggest you use spell check, though? Occasionally misspelled words break up the flow or reading, making the reader go back and re-read to get your meaning. Otherwise, great job!
Ooh! More suspense this chapter. The parts where Ala was potentially discovering Marie's "relationship" with Verne and her son via the different rooms and actually reading/seeing her distress over it was a nice (I feel weird saying "nice" when it was actually quite sad) story development. I also did not see that romance between Ala and Lottie coming at.all. Great work this installment, Lady and I can't wait to read how this story finishes.
Marie is certainly an unpleasant, greedy person, isn't she? I'm glad that Lottie found a way to get to Ala, even in her subconscious and was surprised at the romance (?) that blossomed there. Now just to find out what the conclusion will bring to Ala and the rest.
I am a little confused about what is happening..but I like it!
I sense some type of symbolism.. and I love symbolism! I can't wait to see where this goes! Keep it up in your final chapter!
missroxor
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
| 44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
Ok, this almost made me cry. Beautiful story, beautiful pics, great flow, this chapter's a winner in my book. Well done!
Again, wow! I feel like I'm always writing the same comments for your chapters because they almost always leave me with some sort of awe at the end. Your writing is spectacular and this chapter had me internally sobbing. Jada finally gets to discover something about the other half of her family (and by extension, herself) only to have that violently ripped away. And Rurik admitting that he's loved his sister, even though she's been taught to hate him and his kind, this entire time... oh goodness. Just, what a great chapter. Kudos to you missroxor. Seriously. (On another note: I was the one who commented on predicting a romance between Jada and Rurik and I have to say the brother/sister relationship is much more interesting. I'm so glad you went this route!)
Oh my God. How could you end it there? WHY would you end it there? I need to know if Rurik lives. I'm very fond of him. Also, I loved the background shots of your truck sequence as it was very realistic. Please, please let everyone be okay! The formatting of your wording (along with the words themselves) made the dialogue especially poignant and practically brought a tear to my eye.
WOAH! The ending! Oh, my! I was not expecting that! Great work with building up that suspense! This makes me have a feeling of hunger for the final chapter! I must know what happens next! Excellent work!
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."