Best Christmas present ever: I got to go to bed early. I slept 12 hours (though I was awake several times feeding the baby).

I ended up cancelling my physical therapy and reschedule it for another day.

I started to rearrange my doll collection on the hanging door organizer. I have some dolls to open up and place on the organizer.

But I am bushed. Thinking of adding blanched broccoli and bacon bits to my infamous Mac and cheese casserole.

Today, someone cancelled their physical therapy appointment for tomorrow and so I jumped on the spot and wrote down the info of where to go.

Had veggie infused pasta for lunch today with red sauce.

Spent today trying to be patient about the delivery of my stipend.

If I am to get a credit card, which I practiced the act of paying off over time through my computers and my glasses, I need a job. With the Great Resignation, a lot of people are grasping at straws for people to work for them. A lot of places are paying decent wages but unfortunately, 43% of companies won't hire me because of my "permanently disabled" status.

Just otherwise noodling on adulting and the fact I am in dire need to prove myself courageous.

I'm no Walter Mitty
I'm no Doug Funnie
I'm more a superheroine in my own regards!
I'm Starrior Earth, soldier of freedom, love and peace!
As the princess of Earth, I will protect all flora and fauna!

My father might get his old job back at the same warehouse mother works at. He's also currently in the middle of a 5 week government background check for a paper document storage\destruction site.

I can only hope for the best.

We've been trying to get Elden to sleep for almost an hour and 20 mins now. He did a big sleep from about 9pm so I'm guessing he's wide awake now for however long newborns stay awake for. Maybe another hour. Its my turn to try and get him to sleep. I've done 10 minutes of back pats, 15 minutes of walking and now 6 minutes of nursing but now he's fussing too much he won't latch. Back to back pats I guess.

Edit: 2 hours 39 minutes later and he's finally asleep on my chest. Now to somehow get him in his bed so I can sleep...

Edit 2: Nope... awake again.

Edit 3: in the past 4 hours and 24 minutes he has slept... 4 minutes. He's now at the point where he's frustrated and screaming. I'm crying and stressed which is only making him worse.

Edit 4: 4 hours and 42 minutes he finally fell asleep. After a few minutes I took him to his bed and then got in my bed and just cried. It took him all of 3 minutes before he woke up crying. Now Adam's taken over even though he has to get ready for work in an hour. I'm sure all I'll hear tomorrow is how tired he is. I'm still crying. I'm overtired and emotional.

Edit 5: He fell asleep for Adam within 10 mins and has slept for almost 4 hours until Ivy woke us up. I'm so tired.

My package that was stuck at the airport for almost a month finally came yesterday. I was too busy to post because I had my physical therapy appointment yesterday.

I also wrote up a contract with my parents (in my house, it has to be bound legally before a change can happen.) For me to wash dishes and do the chores if\when my father goes back to the warehouse with my mother. I wrote down a chore check list as I get distracted easily. I set alarms for my day on my phone.

I have to hold down the fort while they work.

We were asleep by midnight. I remember waking up for a second to hear the fireworks, Adam kissed my forehead and said happy new year. He told me that I told him he was the best thing to ever happen to me, but I don't really remember. I remember it was a nice feeling though.

Ivy woke up scared when all the fireworks went off, but Adam took her into our room and she watched them from our window. Shes been awake ever since though. Its now 7:45. I don't even know what our day is going to look like, but Elden is sleeping well so I presume they're both going to be on completely different sleep and wake windows. No sleep for me then. Nor Adam, who had 20 minutes of sleep and is now working a 12 hour shift.

I haven't been around in the last few weeks, so I missed your delivery of Elden, @Bigsimsfan12, but belated congratulations!
I don't have children and I often wondered if parents tend to overstate the sleep issues with newborns a bit. Not anymore!
I don't know how Adam and you are doing it but I wish you strength, long sleep phases for Elden and no more diarrhea for Ivy!

Received in the mail (our post office sometimes delivers on Sundays along with Amazon) hair care products for growing my hair to Rapunzel lengths, a book on quick drawing anime tips and the first 3 SpongeBob SquarePants Movies on DVD and Blu-Ray (I have both types of players. The Blu-Ray player is backwards compatible, but I still use the DVD player in the event I am connected to my tablet. HDMI feed.)

I'm on this weird junk food kick. Don't know how to explain it but I guess I crashed and burned during my diet last year.

I stocked up on other foods beyond junk food and yes, I plan on upgrading my weaponized Mac and cheese casserole. Bacon bits and broccoli shavings made from the real McCoy, French's fried onions crush and mixed with panko and butter. This is an upgrade from just macaroni, cheese, melted butter and panko.

Couldn't pay my rent this month. My parents gave me a reprieve for when the ATM is refilled when they found out the ATM was drained. So I couldn't withdraw $300 or any cash for that matter, but I will need to deposit more money to offset any strange charges (i.e. accidental, non-refundable ones) and I need to talk to my bank to reinstate my PayPal account as a form of payment I use.

Fuck My Life Indeed as abbreviation cannot begin to tell the egregious parts of my New Year's weekend.

@310175 Thank you. Ivy is doing a lot better now. They both have gross snotty noses though. I bought one of those sucky snot things - I always thought they were super gross but it turns out they're literally the best things ever. Everyone's been sleeping a little better since.... or at least not waking up due to their colds. Ivy still has a weird sleeping pattern. Hopefully tonight we can go back to 8pm-8am sleeps. Elden's going 2-3 hours between feeds at night and then straight back to sleep.

- - - -

Today was nice and relaxed. Ivy slept odd hours again though because her sleep is still messed up from being ill and the fireworks that woke her up on New years. Her bedtime is in half an hour though and I'm hoping she sleeps because she slept like 2am-10am today and then seemed tired and groggy until around 1pm.

I had a bit of trouble earlier changing Elden's diaper. Ivy always asks to help, so today for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to let her. We usually use a changing table but I decided to just change him on the floor so she could help. He hasn't pooped in 2 days and I couldn't smell poop, so I thought "it'll be a quick change, she can maybe help put a clean nappy on and we're done". Lmao no. Huge poop. After wiping him (Ivy wouldn't even pass me some wipes, she just stood there shouting "Ewww Elden did a stink!") I notice he was a bit red around his legs (I think he's gone up a size in disposable diapers because that's been happening if he wears one for a little too long), so I go get the sudocrem and suddenly a fountain emerges, landing exactly where I had just been sat on the carpet. Ivy thought it was hilarious and went to go tell Daddy that "Elden did a wee wee on the carpet!". While she did that I put a bit of sudocrem on his legs and then went to make up a cloth nappy because I forgot to. I was at the changing table, literally a foot away from him and I turn around and Ivy has sudocrem all over her hands wiping it all over Eldens leg. He looked part snowman. Finally got him cleaned up and a new nappy on and he's all good. Once we were done Ivy says "Yay I did it all by myself"

I received a drawing book on how to draw the step-by-step guide of Almost Naked Animals. What made me laugh out loud was the octopus wearing tighty whities and there being 8 leg holes. The entire book was full of anthropomorphic animals in underwear and how to draw them.

Edit: I also went to the dentist. My old dentist, Dr. JJM, who constantly threatened to pull out all my teeth if I came back with any damages, retired since I last saw him. Probably playing a round of golf or racing Formula 1 racing cars like Drs. TR and JMcL.

They assigned me a kinder, gentler dentist, Dr. MH, who knew about the dentophobia and my OR only visits for fixing teeth on file.

I have yet another tooth coming out in June. I better get fucking serious about my dental care.

Yesterday was kind of meh, but maybe a bit disappointing. Had some cake that we've brought several times over the years, but as with many things, it no longer tastes the same as it used to. It's annoying because good cake isn't really a thing here? Or at least they're different to what you'd expect or whatever. So like finding one that you actually like that's worth dragging yourself all the way to a bakery is rare.

I've been trying the Curly girl method - it has done nothing at all for my hair so I'm pretty disappointed. If anything my hair looks dry and sadder. Also despite trying a spray the first time and then mousse the second, my hair still is very frizzy.

On a brighter note Elden smiled today, a few times. It made me so happy. Now I'm just waiting for him to fall asleep enough so I can put him down, but I can already hear Ivy sleep talking which means she'll wake up soon.

My appointment with CS is driving me nuts. I have to tell her all the emotional baggage from the past 2 months.

NGL, I am freaked out.

Edit: It went well. No need to get any authority involved.

Cleaned up a bit of my room and found 2 humongous sketchbook (thick, tome-like, sketchbooks) and my Wallace and Gromit DVDs. I have like 3 different versions of the first 3 films collected on 1 disc with different special features depending on date of manufacturing and release, Curse of the Were-Rabbit and A Matter of Loaf and Death. I do stop motion in my spare time...

...Providing I get a sizeable break to animate, that is.

I help my parents in the early morning hours and throughout the day to earn back $100\month that I used to pay for them dishwashing. The sensation of dirty water sent chills down my spine. I found special wash gloves for the dishwashing duty to allow me to continue going forward in life and I am growing rather quickly compared to when I first moved back to the city I was born in.

I guess after my 34th birthday, I decided I had enough stagnation. I've been trying new foods, taking on new responsibility, experiencing new sensations. I feel like I can take on the world!

(Knocks Godzilla and King Kong into the gutter, kicking the other Kaijuu out of her path to Mount Fuji's summit.)

Look out, world! A spicy Kymchee is serving up a bright future!

(Kymchee = weird nickname I received from a peppery smell I emit from studying for long periods of time. At least I'm not named Richard Milhouse "Iron Butt" Nixon)

Ugh, I have to go to the wedding dress place today to get measured. I'm not looking forward to it. My belly is so flappy and the skin is so loose. I don't even feel that "fat" this time. Its just the skin is so saggy. I've been wearing mens tshirts because my skin hangs out the bottom of women's. I know its only temporary but ugh. I don't think I'll ever have a flat stomach again.

Well, as soon as I built myself up in confidence, it got knocked down and I now have to attend a self help seminar over the phone.

Feeling nervous like I might pass out.

Edit: I missed my call. I ended up with a voice message.

Its weird how productive I get on my "I havent slept" days. I'm so freaking tired, Ivy was awake at not even 6am. Which means so were me and Elden. But also the house was tidy and both kids bathed, dressed and fed by 10am.

Colored my hair and it needs improvement. I haven't been dyeing my hair regularly since COVID happened.

Otherwise, my father got his job back at the same warehouse my mother works at. That's a plus.

Been working on my master plan for my future. Putting it in motion is for another day.

I'm still alive, just busy with morning chores.

A redditor once said in an article featured in George Takei's network of interesting article anthologies "Poor people trade time for money, while rich people trade money for time." I couldn't agree any further. I have given up a number of hours to keep the house clean for my parents while they are at work or asleep on weekends just to earn money for supplies for my hobbies and job.

I am currently learning to improve my manga style for a comic I want to draw. I want to show my struggle with autism from my female perspective. (Truthfully, only 20% of autism spectrum disorder patients are female. I grew up in a generation where most older people thought it only affected males.)

Edit: Yesterday (1/24/2022) was my last session in physical therapy. My hips no longer hurt and I received some exercises. I also have returned the locked box from hell back to whence it came and got back about $26 in a return.

Edit 2: Today (1/25/2022) I bought a book on drawing magical girls and a version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer" with a distorted electric guitar intro on Amazon Music with my return.

Also had went to the eye doctor. Got a free exam, two frames (one red, one mottled purple) and the frames are 80s retro and Elton John sense of fashion and because my job of drawing involves screens on a daily basis, we added blue light filter. My eyes are healthy, no degenerative changes or glaucoma, but I will need to have my prescription strengthened.

My father and I went out to lunch and I paid for both our meals and a side of mac and cheese my mother wanted.

I picked up some sodas from the local ShopRite. Canada Dry Ginger Ale and 7UP in original lemon-lime and cherry. The lemon-lime reminds me of original Ramune and since Ramune is a 6 fl oz novelty and hard to find in Asshole, USA, I buy a 2 liter of 7UP when I feel like having sushi and a drink.

I found a double of a pencil set I had that I thought I lost. I'm giving it to my mother so she can plan her arts and crafts with more color variety.

I had a pleasant day.

My parents went back to work and I am caught up on my chores. I even had time to take a long hot shower and I felt human again.

I'm also getting some more hand-me-downs. I already got Grandma Ginny's bookcases and HDTV. This Sunday, I am about to be given some pots and pans that are still in great shape. The old ones I have been using are going to be thrown out because my mother bought new pots and pans with her bonus. Bonsu! (Bonsu? Typo my father made famous in the family in the 1980s when he was a young accountant. A lot of his clients got bonuses on the regular that he would go on auto pilot.)

Buying Cocofloss (invented by two sisters, a dentist and publicist) and Bite Toothpaste Tablets (invented out of keeping plastic out of landfills and for travelers dealing with the liquid limits) on subscription. The dentist I see is taking out a broken tooth in June and I really need to up my dental care game. Maybe buy deodorant for all the crevices that stink while I'm at it. If it passes the pencil test of staying wedged, it gets treated. Lumē is a doctor-invented deodorant line and comes in a variety of scents. They have quite a few scents.

This was yesterday, but I was def highly amused. Went to a restaurant with 2 friends and 1 of them ordered steamed fish. What arrives at the table is not steamed food. She takes a piece and is like I don't know what this is. So friend 2 takes a piece and is like I think this chicken. When the waitress comes by with a pot of tea friend 1 is like yeah I think there's been a mix up?? The waitress said no hon, you ordered this type of chicken. Apparently my friend used the wrong intonation and we got some lightly fried chicken instead of steamed fish?? Either way it was delicious

Wrote in my diary, "Nikki Kansatsu" (That's her name) about a change of heart. I decided to change some things about my behavior. Decided to spend more of my free time on my manga for girls with high functioning ASD related issues. Better representation in media. The Good Doctor was a good example, but it focused on male high functioning autism.

I called Walmart to see if they had blank Blu-Ray discs. They didn't have any. So it's going to be a while before people back up and archive with Blu-Ray like I do. I'm way ahead of the curve in so many ways. In fashion, music and long running franchises.

I helped with the garbage. It was REALLY HEAVY! And not to mention, stinky.

I mainly backup mods, screenshots, custom content, videos and audio on Blu-Ray.

Steam is holding a Lunar New Year Sale and lucky for me, almost all my wishlist has been marked down quite significantly, with most of the games under $10 in base price.

I will definitely take advantage of the offer when I get my allowance. Trust me, having hobbies keeps me sane during the pandemic and I enjoy a good beat-em-up. There's Tekken, Street Fighter, Dead or Alive, King of Fighters and Garou: Mark of the Wolves.

I also have been taking care of my self care of my teeth and skin.

Lumē has all these scents, but I will go with unscented as my first option as my parents have aversions to perfumes of any sort.

I also am buying dental floss that has some lofty claims and I am going to put it to the test. My mouth is missing a few teeth from a number of extractions over the years from Dr. JJM.

Now that Dr. MH is in charge, I am upping my dental care game. I am also buying toothpaste tablets to reduce the waste of water found in conventional toothpaste and reduce plastic waste.

Sorry for my absence.

Been very busy doing chores, growing out my hair, collecting special dolls, settling disputes on technology, and tomorrow, I have to go through every pencil case and consolidate my colored pencils in one of the largest size pencil cases (488 pencil capacity)

Tonight, I need my father to break out the Hercules hooks and the stud finder so he can hang up an organizer on my wall. I have a big doll collection and two over-the-door organizers are almost out of room.

@Noa1500, steamed fish and fried chicken shouldn't have caused THAT much confusion. Although you have got my attention to try steamed fish.

And somehow, I blew iced tea out of my left tearduct and nostril. It takes a talent to be that clumsy.

Edit: Once again, I blew my nose and this time, it's fruit punch. I'm anything but dull.

this pandemic has been quite the trip. i've lost a lot of myself but found new parts, some are even slightly better. after my concussion, when i could no longer program anymore, i turned to art. i'm still in game dev school, but my focus is now 3D modeling and animation... which will be very useful when i get around to creating more for TS4 again.

i always thought i was just the kind of person who couldn't draw, and i'd never even considered 3D. i mean, i had a decent grasp of very basic drawing, i could draw very cartoony characters that were... decent enough for what they were. but then i got my concussion and couldn't program, but still wanted to make games, so I started taking 2D art really seriously and learning as much as i could about how to draw. my 2D art has seen MAJOR improvements. i always thought if there was any kind of art i would be passionate about, it would be drawing. but while i do love drawing, after my very first 3D modeling class, i realized that 3D might be what i'm actually passionate about. i also had a 2D art class and it was fun and i learned so much about art theory that i definitely need, but i found the work for 2D stressed me out a surprising amount even though it usually took less time. over the summer in my first modeling class, my classmates and i were pulling all-nighters at least once a week to actually make good models, and three of us were working 30+ hours on our projects; we were determined, one of us so determined he was doing 40 hours of homework every week for one class. we complained of course, i can't think of many who enjoy crunching for school. we had to conceptualize, model, and texture 4+ models in a single week for 10 weeks as beginners. but even though there's always a period of burnout as there is with everything, i would still get so absorbed in it that most of my other worries would just fade away. i've never liked doing anything this much before, i like it so much that even when i don't like it i like it.

unfortunately, it's a very nerdy interest to many people in the outside world. it's not as intuitive and emotional as traditional or digital 2D art but not as logic-driven as programming, so it's very much in a middle ground that a lot of people don't really appreciate as much i guess. and also 3D modeling feels kinda taken for granted now with so much of our media now being 3D and CGI. and to add onto that, it's just not interesting for most people to listen to me talk about polygons. but when i do find people who are interested in it, like my classmates in our discord server, i feel so alive talking about it. i'm truly passionate about something. something makes me happy. i forgot how good it felt to be even just a little happy or proud. it's really nice.

but yeah. if i hadn't gotten a concussion, i don't think i ever would've turned to art, and even programming never brought me as much satisfaction as this does. so in the end... even though i'm still suffering the effects of the concussion and probably will for a long time, it wasn't entirely bad. i found the first activity to truly make me happy since i can remember. in losing my ability to do a lot of my old activities, i gained new skills and found my true passion. i squealed out loud when it was rendering time after i first got my rendering software. i've actually never squealed in excitement before so i surprised myself with it, but it's a really good feeling.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i feel hopeful and passionate about something for the first time since i can remember. and i've even got a little maya night shift group to complain and geek out with. it's cool.

P.S.: the classmate who worked 40+ hours on his models does really good urban props. he found one of his scenes was put into a weird nsfw fallout 4 mod when someone credited him for it with his name and i feel so bad for him dear god. but exposure is good ?? ? ???

The wedding is getting closer. We met with the wedding planner yesterday and since then its finally occurred to me that I'm getting married in 20 days and I still have so much to do. My reception dress arrived today but I haven't had a chance to try it on... I bought 2 different colours and I'm not sure which one to keep and which to return, they're both different sizes so I guess whichever fits best. My final fitting for my wedding dress is next week. My shoes still haven't arrived in the post! Ugh. Also guests are driving me insane on whether they're coming or not - why do people drop out so often?!

Also well meaning relatives keep buying dresses for Ivy and by this point I have no idea what she's wearing because I'm terrible with decisions and they're all such nice dresses. She also has 3 tiaras, 2 pairs of bows depending on the colour of dress she wears AND a flowery headband (my choice, but she refuses to wear it). Elden has 2 suits too... including one i stuck a pink hair bow to to make a bowtie lol.

If it helps, I have naturally curly/frizzy hair and I've tried lots of different mousses. I find Silvikrin (maximum hold) the best for taming frizz, but it's hard to get, I can't buy it in the shops anymore and have to buy it on Ebay. Which is weird, because the hairspray is widely available (also very good, but I only use it for nights out)!

I don't use a hairdryer, I just wait for my hair to dry - it's not much fun in winter, but I've kind of got used to it over the years. When it's dry I nip to the ladies and shake it out/scrunch it a bit for volume.