I'm honestly really struggling mentally. I feel like my brain just can't... function. Elden has stopped sleeping through the night, for the past few days he now only manages 50-90mins at a time, even less for naps. He's also been doing his tired scream pretty much all day so I guess he's feeling as tired and over stimulated as me. To make matters worse, Ivy has started copying his screams for attention. Which makes me feel bad as it is. Adam's working 7 days a week to make up for his work messing up and not paying him holiday pay (so we're down £600) so it's just me with 2 kids for 12 hours of the day. My brain actually feels like mashed potatoes today. Adam's looking after the kids so I can go to sleep but I'm struggling to switch off.

I'm getting better physically. My suppressed appetite is going away. I had a bit of a crying fit, still don't know what brought that on. I slept through the night. I am feeling better, but I'm not out of the woods yet.

Took Ivy to the park, and then to this area that use to be called "Dinosaur world" or something and had life size plastic dinosaurs in it when I was a kid... Its a shame my memories of it are all very fuzzy and it wasn't a popular enough attraction (or rather it closed before the Internet became big) that I can't really find any pictures of it online.. and it looks so different now I couldn't even peace together where anything was when I found a video of it from before I was even born. It's now just a small wooded area with a water pipe pump thing and a small sand area. Ivy took her shoes off and adventured and got messy. Then we found a massive abandoned building - she told me it was a fairy castle. The windows were all boarded up on the bottom floor but the top floor windows weren't. I kept staring expecting something to happen, like a ghost or a movement or something but obviously nothing happened. We found another house too, which wasn't abandoned but was also big and Ivy told me its where the 3 bears lived. Then we ran from (imaginary) bears and I taught her about trees.

We went home and she found the kinetic sand someone bought her when she was a baby for whatever reason. We managed to hide it for 2 years now and she finally found it. She agreed to play with it just in her toy bath so she didn't get it on the carpet but it ended up on the carpet anyway. I don't mind though because it was surprisingly easy to clean (thanks Henry ), way better than when I let her play with water and every time she says "I won't spill it!" and she does.

The kids had a bath and Elden was surprisingly easy to get to nap today. He's been very difficult lately so that was nice. Sadly Ivy woke him up at bedtime though and now he's wide awake.

God forbid I wish my afflictions on any of you.

I'm still waiting for my medicine for depression to fully kick in.

Sure, I got past the suppression of appetite and the sleep issues, but I think I am regressing a bit back to the horny, nerdy, spoiled big woman on campus I was back in high school. I'm talking I would get my parents to intervene if I came home crying, I had my pick of boys, but I had my eye set on older men because most of the guys my age were jerks and an older gentleman treating me like the princess of a lost kingdom was something I fantasize about, even to this day, and I was a ringer in trivia competitions. I was the envy of the cheer squad because I was on track and field.

I really want my old life back. Dull, doldrum dullard me practicing voice acting and increasing my range beyond married couples, woodland critters and demons, so I can play spoiled women (something I am good at) with a sugar daddy spoiling her rotten (not that I have one) or even a high school big woman on campus who makes friends easily (story of my life prior to Mod the Sims).

Personally, I haven't seen Turning Red yet but my mom and I clashed when puberty hit. However, the spirit animal in my family was more like a hedgehog and it affected both the boys and the girls in my father's family. We were at times very hard to deal with.

We had Easter early because Adam only has Thursdays off work. We did an Easter egg hunt in the garden and then ended up going to the toy shop. Ivy picked out some magnetic alphabet letters and Elden had a monkey teether. I also popped to the shop for some XHC shampoo, conditioner and a hair mask in the banana scent. It was a tough decision between that and the garnier ultimate hair blends, but these were cheaper... but they seem to have changed the formula so they're no longer CGM approved? Oops. I needed shampoo though because turns out the shampoo and conditioner I've been using has been linked to hair loss ...Now just to work out what to do with them... Do I have any enemies with nice hair?

Went shopping to restock my first aid kit.

Had to get gauze, paper bandaging and bactine.

I was supposed to get shoes, but my mother and I got into an argument so heated about the shoes I chose, we were about to tear new assholes into each other in the shoe section of Walmart. We eventually apologized on the way home. I was the bigger person (I started the fight first), but yeah, my mom and I have a ways to go before we can have a better mother and daughter relationship

Talked with my case manager. She asked me about my crush, a man with an impressive vocal range and I ended up doing the voice of Fred Fredburger, a dimwitted Baku (dream-eating tapir from Japan) and I found myself busting out laughing after that audition.

Then I dyed my hair teal. So any blonde spots will look ocean colored.

My family may have a name worthy of the social elite in aptronyms, but our brand of elitism involves comedic insanity. Pun-offs, which were competitive games of wordplay in my household, require you have a sense of humor and the English language to participate. Did I mention last one standing wins?

My grandfather started it.

We also play "Train of Thought", an English language adaptation of "Shiritori" a Japanese wordplay game that has a person take the ending sound of a word and the next word starts with the last word's ending sound. However, as no words in Japanese beginning with the solitary "n" sound like in Ramen, the game ends.

"Train of Thought"'s rules are simple, you must connect a concept title with similar words like "O Brother, Where Art Thou > Brother, Can you Spare a Dime > Big Brother is Watching You". If it goes silent or there is stuttering or an unrelated concept, the player is ejected from the game.

I don't have much coming up next month beyond bleaching my hair until it's bright white so I dye it My Little Pony colors. If I am to get grays in my hair, I might as well do it kicking and screaming.

Nam, Wisconsin? (Old as dirt reference forgotten by the sands of time. IDK how it came up...)

Tomorrow, I have to meet with an expert in psychiatric medicine.

My parents are at a loss on how to handle my agitated state. I haven't felt this bad since I was a teenager.

Edit 4/27/2022: The appointment wasn't pulling teeth, but it wasn't a cakewalk.

I had a 50% increase in one of my meds.

But at least I got my pimple patches. They look like panda faces.

When I was raising Norwegian Forest Cats, the two half sisters (different litters), who got lion cuts every summer would be angry with each other and hide under a bed until one needed to eat.

They took getting shaved very badly.

I was asleep most of today because I had a rough night last night.

I finally had a chance to say goodbye to Richard in the Crushosphere. Now I can return to my AI and my doll collection. (Richard was creeped out by my dolls with glass eyes.)

(P.S. Richard came back when I least expected it in my Dreamscape I call the Crushosphere)

5/2/2022: Four blood orders. Wish me luck.

5/2/2022 #2: After 7 big vials and a little baby vial, the seemingly painless process was over. When the needle went in, I felt nothing. The nurse wasn't alarmed by my tattoo marker scrawls of Bill Cipher, former crushes list and the yin-yang symbol and it's a miracle I was still standing. (Actually, I drank 2 liters of water this morning and used the toilet between each liter beforehand.)

Since my usual haunt of the Taco Bell wasn't open yet, we went to the Wawa (North New Jersey convenience store chain, Bloodhound Gang fans might remember a track titled "Heard Outside a Wawa" from their breakout album "Hooray for Boobies". We New Jerseyans are an eclectic bunch. Just look at Dennis Rodman.) and I got Doritos and a Mountain Dew. I was hungry and I had been using caffeine to rush medicine into my system, more or less for the thrill than a benefit.

Still, my father got his blood drawn and it was quick (1 vial...lucky stiff).

Overall, I must say I handled that well, but my period is late probably from the fact I took birth control pills that halted periods for over a year. TBH, I miss having one. Made me feel human. It's bad enough I have electronics implanted in my butt and can either say "Stop staring at my circuits!" or if I felt so inclined to be nasty "Bite my battery powered ass!" However, I build protein-fueled droids, not alcohol-fueled droids. my grandmother was the woman who inspired protein-fueled droids

Went to a new doctor in their new office. Although they offered Botox for my condition, I said "No." firmly.

In between, I went grocery shopping and they were out of the marinara sauce I usually buy and I forgot to buy milk.

I received my tinctures and the bleach powder and developer for my hair bleaching. Good thing I went with the 500g bucket of powder and 1 liter of developer (Made in Italy) as I had bought special bottles for application and my hair is now reaching to the top of my breasts.

It's gotten to the point I could have it braided back and draped over one shoulder and I would look like Elsa from "Frozen I" after her transformation in the now infamous "Let It Go" sequence.

Spent today drawing on myself with cosmetic ink for Bic's Bodymark markers.

I did a random half sleeve of doodles on my left forearm and on my right thigh I did this elaborate one of Daisuke Jigen from Lupin the Third framed with bloodstained white roses with a caption above it saying, "Dangerous Kiss, Dangerous Touch" which is from a song from one of my favorite German bands.

(For those who are wondering, Daisuke Jigen, otherwise addressed by his last name, is voiced by Richard Epcar. P.S. Richard has 600 character credits in voice acting and when he originally went to Hollywood, his intentions was to become the next Clint Eastwood...end up becoming the next Mel Blanc. I actually am impressed by men with a wide vocal range. I wonder if he ever met Scott McNeill?) :lovestruc

I also waited on packages.

Tried on blue UV reactive eyeliner, neon purple eyeshadow and gold lipstick...I wouldn't recommend unless you plan on taking over the galaxy.

I'm going to regret this...

Do instruments of torture count?

Stupid SpongeBob joke.

Now I really regret it more than that upside down tattoo on my right thigh.

Took a bath and got most of the cosmetic ink off.

I actually enjoy taking baths over showers...never fully understood why, but the tub I have only comes up to my waist. I want one of those fancy clawfoot tubs that come all the way up to my chest.

Final portfolio for this class........ the world is in wireframe rn bc i've been glued to my screen for the past 2 weeks. i need a break from maya... and i do need to learn more blender so i'm gonna get on that this summer. perhaps i could utilize both because maya's UV tools are fantastic, while things like sculpting and the program not crashing on basic functions are unnecessarily difficult. at this point when i see the words "fatal error" i feel like a weathered old man simply sighing after witnessing his 100th tragedy. luckily i know how to get to my crash save files now, and it usually works so far (knock on wood), so rather than freaking me out like it used to because i only knew where to find my autosaves, it's more of an annoyance. but UVs in maya, man... beautiful.

I have been working on a drama with my AI. Worthy of a soap opera.

Grocery shopping and the nice weather.

Today, I went grocery shopping at Walmart and ShopRite and the weather brought out all kinds of people. The weather where I was got to be was sunny and 76°F.

It was a good time for grocery shopping and I decided to stock up on Kikkoman sesame oil at ShopRite for the gyoza I bought at Walmart (Tai-Pei by Ajinomoto).

We also had brunch at Taco Bell.

I had one of my favorite dinners.

I stocked up on seaweed snacks. Been a while.

Went for a mile-long walk down the Main Street in Asshole, USA. Tons of Victorian houses and a pub serving fancy versions of bar food.

At the half mile mark is town hall, where my great grandparents lived until they passed away and the land was bought. I turned and walked home.

The neighborhood is kind of unkempt in terms of gardening and landscaping. Weeds and giant clusters of grass growing in the cracks and gaps. Saw a teal car.

Ignored a bee busy and gently working her fuzzy little bee bum off so I can eat vegetables and fruits. Ever since Ruud Kleinpaaste had been a regular on entomology on Animal Planet, I gained a healthy respect for bees, further appreciated by "Bee Movie" and a story told in verse during storytime on "Yo Gabba Gabba". Ever notice bee bottoms hanging out in flowers? Bees are busy and practically twerk to tell where the flowers are when they work.

Made an appointment for yet another pre-op clearance for that broken tooth for my dental extraction. Damn my father's "British" soft teeth...I was definitely a daddy's girl in so many ways, I'm like his Mini Me.

Boring Friday the 13th.

My mother had to service her car. Has further service required in the near future.

She did, however bring home some fast food. Bad for the heart, good for the soul...unless you sold yours.

Reminds me of "Free range eggs"... Which reminds me of Sheldon (a chick forever stuck in an egg with only his legs free) from US Acres (A side comic by Jim Davis, creator of Garfield)

Ugh. I'm bored. It just feels like I'm living the same day over and over. I get up, get the kids up, toddler to nursery, baby naps, pick toddler up from nursery, have a late lunch and then count down the hours until Adam comes home. And then when he's home we just juggle the kids between us while one of us cooks dinner and then its bedtime.

I've been dizzy and nauseous for weeks, with a constant headache. My teeth have been hurting lately because I've constantly got a clenched jaw. It just feels like there's no break when Adam's working 6 days a week from 6am-6pm. On Adam's one day off either I still look after the kids while he catches up with household chores or nothing gets done and we spend time together... which is nice in the moment but stresses me out later because then I'm left with whatever housework I didn't manage to get done during last week along with whatever housework I need to do this week. I want to sort through our "storage room" and hopefully turn it back into a bedroom but theres no time,and the landlord is due another freak out soon. She's just arrived at the house to do something in the back garden with a contractor and she's going to freak out that the grass hasn't been cut even though its been raining so there hasn't really been a chance

I am so tired, like I need a massage to jumpstart my system again. It's going beyond unplugging it and plugging it in again. I'm exhausted like my options. I tried caffeine, but it made me sleepy.

I have a dental extraction in about 3 weeks from now and I dread having to go back to the hospital for another round of observation. The less of the veritable hell that it was, the better. Couldn't stand my IV monitor (Its battery was easily drained and would whine if your arm was not kept straight), my drama queen roommate (her faking wasn't Oscar-worthy and she threatened to hurt me and the entire time I was being nice to her, which she lied about) and the fact I went through withdrawal during the 48 hours there, thinking they'd read my pill bottles for once (didn't happen, I would have to ask the nurse to get my pills). Only bright spot was the nurse who agreed with me that George Clooney didn't look a day over 40, even if he was 60. (Small bit of girl talk while I was having trouble sleeping and undergoing observation of my kidneys)

I always dread when a dental extraction is on the horizon. I had a few mishaps in the past. My mouth still bled after surgery and trying to take liquid Tylenol was like trying to give a small child medicine one year, another year the intubation tube scratched up my throat and I lost my voice and last time, last year, I was struggling with my body as I was recovering at home. I kinda worried I was going to yank the railing out of the wall as I went upstairs.

I was never really a willing patient when it came to dentists. Many times they were men who'd yell at me. For the first time in my life, I recently was assigned a female dentist, who was much gentler in approaching dental issues.

Edit: Today was a great day for discovery. My computer, Bessie III, had recently upgraded in the middle of the night and I was able to now use my Bluetooth headphones so I can watch my movies and play my games without disturbing my father.

"Don't wake daddy!" Is no longer a 1990s board game or an exclamation in eSports, in my house, it's an imperative. My father doesn't want to be woken up until 3:30AM on work days. Man, my sleep schedule is a shit show at best.

Well, in the past month or so, I broke down and bought that key chain of the panda with eyeglasses and a crown.

Realizing my life isn't as half bad as I thought it was lately. Aside from today's mishap, I am doing well for myself.

My hair is currently fading from teal to a light aqua color. I'm preparing my hair for bleaching out. Word of warning...I may be more photogenic than my parents, but my hair has a tendency to do its own thing.